Pain
Hurt
Regret
Recovery
It's a cycle that doesn't seem to stop

You ache
You cry
You curse
You try

But trying gets tiring
So you rest and overthink
The love, the hate, the laughs, the pain.
There it is again.

Pain
That one word that pops up in your life again and again.

You forget it and be happy, smiling bright as the sun, then in comes the rain.
Ending the fun
Here comes a thought.
The rain turns to hail.
You're still as a statue embracing the pain.

Right then you're lonely.
Right then your numb,
You're body cold and dying
And starts to miss the warmth of the sun.

It's then you accept, to stop shutting out pain, since the more you do so, is the more u seem to gain.

So that leads you here, cold and dead inside, pain is all around you so there's no place to hide.

Don’t you get it?
I can’t stop
I can’t stop running it through my mind
Replaying moments every time
I’ve tried once, I’ve tried a thousand times
I can’t just stop

Don’t you think I’ve tried?
Every piece of advice is just adding salt to my wound
Cheer up, snap out of it, relax
Like I’ve never tried giving myself the chance

So understand,
My mind isn’t like yours
No matter how hard I try
The thoughts just seem to multiply

I can’t stop
I can’t snap out of it
All I ask is for you to understand it

Don't you ever feel stuck?
Stuck in a state of mind, frozen in time
It's tiring, staying in one place for such a long time
Yet, you don't bother to move

It's confusing, honestly
Trying to think about it makes you dizzy
Yet, it's the only place you feel comfortable
Blissfully ignoring the problem
So you stay solemn

The feeling of uneasiness overwhelms you
But it's the only thing that makes you feel okay
Not okay,
But numb

Instead of making up your mind, you choose to stand aside
Too scared to make up your mind
You would rather stay blind to your own emotions
To avoid life's commotion

So you stay frozen
You watch as people pass you by
Because you would rather be numb
You would rather be stuck
Then trust your luck

These days
I'm a monster
at war with myself,
the light, the dark, or
the grey numbness
of images haunting me.
If only I could sleep
instead of filling in
the terrifying
blank spaces.
Oh how I will welcome
the black void.

What is it for?
All this turmoil, the inner battles
I have with myself each day to try to keep floating

What is it for?
And what is the point of floating anyway
If it causes these controls?

What is it for?
Do I even have to be what I am?
What  they  say I am?

What is it for?
All my life's work to be seen as a life wasted


Unsure and confused
About what it's all for.

18 Drafts
One receiver's address
I sigh and delete all of them
It's too late for anyone to be receiving it