I have lied
I have been so jealous of you
Your glittering family, words overdue
And all the green paper you can draw

I have wanted to be you
my girl, a searing fire, whenever I saw you
light sheen of sweat over my hands
clutched together, lips clammed

I have seen nothing
but yet want everything
because it's you;
your words, your touch, your life

And most of all
I want to watch you fall
Away or closer, for me or for else
I cannot -bear- you being perfect

Tonight,
I must go.
I was almost sure I belonged,
But how many more years
Should I tell myself that?
Memories of those
Long happy nights,
Make me think
What use is it to reminisce
What I, alone, can remember?

Tomorrow,
I will go out
As if nothing is amiss.
I have done so before,
But half-heartedly.
I listened closely
To see if my absence was noticed,
I had found no murmurs
No stirrings,
Not even an insult
Or a condescending remark:
It was as if I had not left at all,
And with a bruised ego,
I found out that I never had a place here.
So I rushed back
I worked hard
I did my best
And yet
I am ready to leave again
And the taste of the midnight air
Is the still the same;
I will not be missed,
Nor shall my effort be remembered.

I will be back, someday
Maybe 10,
20 years from now.
Will you wait for me?
If I silently let my years pass
And let time
Harden my fingertips
And wrinkle my face
Will you all of a sudden
Remember the passion
With which I was embroiled?
When I return
Will you welcome me again?

It’s not as if I want to go.
I must.
Like most of everyone before me,
I had found what I loved
However,
We are much too fickle to love.
Where I lack in conviction
I am sure to make up with time lost
Wondering how it could have been.

If you had ever been left behind,
Or are trying your best to move forward,
I am sure you understand
How much I want to chase you.
If only I could be happy
In your pursuit.

I will always look for you,
You are the poems I’ve committed to heart,
You are the plays that I had practiced in my bedroom,
The speeches I memorized and picked apart,
You are the sonnets I’ve tried to write,
You are the long letters I’ve never finished,
You were my sole frustration for most of my life,
I was obsessed with you,
Yet I have nothing to show for it.

I will always look for you,
However, you cannot look for me.
I will not be anywhere
But here,
Far back
Looking onwards, from the past,
At the back of your neck as it smudges in the distance
With falling leaves
Rain
Petals that lost their way
In an August gust
And the horizon
That blurs
As the sun sets.

Goodbye, goodbye,
I love you, I love you,
Perhaps I shall see you sometime again
But not now
And not ever with me.

I knew
that the last day will come
that the first day will come
that all this is already
it's long overdue
that I was long in the last day
and in the first

I knew
I knew everything from the beginning
from the very end
my soul has always known this
she always knew
that I'm at the same time dead
and alive

11.07.18

I'm done I'm through
There's nothing more that I can do
My life is *******
My heart came unglued
My rents overdue
My car died, my problems grew
So I'm telling you
I want to turn that wonderful hue
A nice pale blue

This bar has seen the past as it has been washed clean by today.
Known the scars of fights past lingered in the moment only to  see it replay.

Old friends and past faces we've known together so many years now  I stand alone.
This bar is part of my soul as a ghost I remain long after my life and these doors come to a close.

To the raised glass and closing time dance .
Are waters have seen many a storm tomorrow will be no different my friends.  

Amber the whiskey gold held to light the pint glasses perfect hew .
Time has left us all fragmented time breaks the soul ,time is all that is the history of me and you.

A toast to the nights they paint magic without canvas my thoughts a evergreen signs of neon cast the best ******* shadows my dear.

This bar stands eternal a ghost as myself .
The fog holds mystery but none for you .

Closing time has come .

Cherish your thoughts for it's all we truly ever own my friends .