With her jagged edges she stands,
gazing upon the connection between the well versed,
as her language remains misunderstood,
dark and chaotic.

Her edges are sharp,
and grooves are too deep.
The rhythm of her heart
& blood pulsation
feel out of orbit.

An outsider,
an outcast
trying to jam to fit in puzzles;
blunting her edges,
painting herself with different hues to blend.
Yet within she is out of tune.

I'm in a room at a party
And the only thing I can think about
Is how different I am

I'm stubborn
But I'm too weak to keep fighting
I feel run down
Completely drained

When I speak
The words rush into each other
I panic and feel them string together
The taste of empty words
is like sewage in my mouth

I dress like my skin will peel off if it is admired by someone
The fabric must be loose or I fear that people will call me grotesque

When people are around me
They always hear my voice
But never listen
I'm a cacophony of forgotten lines

I'm in a room at a party
And I'm the outcast
I am different
But that shouldn't make me
An outcast

I sit down and feel like I’m in a box with a label.
A label of unwanted
Of just not quite right.
Of outcast.
A label of annoying,
Of weird.
I’m inside a box in my family.
One they wish they could throw out.
It’s been sitting there
and no one knows what to do with it.
No one wants to touch it.
They don’t want to deal with it.
They try to look away to forget it’s there.
They think if they ignore it long enough
It will disappear.
No one wants the box with me in it.
It hurts.
It hurts knowing they don’t want me.
It hurts knowing I’m not what they want.

Each step is taken                      
                                for granted.

Confident that the terrain will remain
unchanged, solid and dependable beneath
our feet, beaten down by the ones
who have walked before us,
we forget to think about
our destination, and when the
path inevitably betrays our trust,
our arrogant stride falters
as the world shifts beneath our soles.

It is no wonder that we stumble when
trying to blaze our own trail.
So, remember to be wary about
where you step on your quest
for answers.

To stumble by thousands
The legions of failure
following your footsteps
wherever you go

The shackles were given
before you could speak
and nothing is permanent
'til your will says it so

You follow a path
of nobody's design
No blueprint, not witnesses
'Til you're up in the limelight

But you chose this, you did
When the heavens were broken
and your wings were clipped

You said, "Father, I want to see
how I will live, imprint a legacy
how I can defy the odds on me
how my weak body can cause catastrophe

Anomaly in the midst of suburban
An island that floats by the edge of a plant
a little bee with that one solo wing

Confused you ask, "Why am I thee?"

And the answer reflects back,

"Because remember, you chose to be me."

there’s a glass window between you and me
the kind so clean that sometimes
you think you’re on the same side
it’s just an illusion, a pathetic fantasy
so instead you tap at the glass and mock me
with your laughs, banter, and little secrets
there are quite a few people on the inside
i’ve noticed it’s getting crowded in there
but i’ve never seen the window open
so how do they manage to sneak their way in
you let in flies and snakes and spiders but you won’t let me in
maybe i should break this glass between you and me
and even though the shards will cut my fingers and knees
it’ll be worth all the pain if it finally means i’m in  

- alone

Circus Who Cares
arrives by night, places
fliers in torchlight.

Circus Some ****
riding train. Look
where graffiti is facing.

It's true, tracks can divide.
John Hughes marketed lies.
It's true, it's difficult --

But in this cult, none of us
wants to be you.
F < |< 666

Pretending to know,
Pretending to be one of them...

One of the group,
Belonging to a people,
Yet no matter what,
Somehow,
I end up on the outside...

Expected to know so much,
Yet knowing so little,
So naive, so foolish,
Feeling little connection,
Yet so strong.

Being on the outside all my life,
Wanting to find a place I belong,
Yet when I think I find it,
I am cast out,
Thrown from all I then know,
And tossed to yet another empty road,
Eventually picked up out of pity,
Or drifting to people after the loneliness is unbearable.

The bonds once so strong,
Yet faded so easily,
On one end;
Never mine...

So desperately I hold on,
Trying to come back,
Yet, they never want me back...

Once an outcast,
Always an outcast,
Once a reject of society,
Always a reject of society.

Never again will they talk to me;
Not unless it is to turn me away,
Never again will they see me over;
Not unless they are so desperate,
So needing for company,
And all else turn away but I...

So long I have tried to find my place,
Yet never have I truly fit anywhere...
Will I ever be at rest?
No, I suppose not,
Considering that none stay for long,
No matter how long I've known them,
No matter if I give them gifts,
No matter if I try to talk to them,
No matter if I try to be the person they want me to be...
Because no matter how much I try,
I can never be that person they want me to be,
Or even me...

- Jay M
April 1st, 2019