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Mandy Arc Oct 2017
You tap the lights three times
Because the world around you is dull
And dangerous
And cruel
And the number three is safe
And spontaneous
And comforting
But you look like an idiot tapping the lights three times
And washing your hand five times
And reciting numbers people can not hear clearly under your breath
And they look at you
Like the rare deformity
In the city zoo
Because things that are different
Don't fascinate people like they should
But they scare
And repel
And deflect others
And I can't help but feel alone in a world
Where the tide pushes against me
Trying it’s best to get me out of their vicinity
I don't mean to think over things that are dangerous and scary
And I don't mean to fall into a deep hole of endless sinking
But the words around me are groggy
And thick
Like fog
On a hot humid day
It’s so thick its feels like swimming in quicksand
But I don't know how to swim in quicksand
And the number one rule when caught in quicksand
Is to not panic
Because then you will drown
But no one tells me this when I need to hear it most
And I am the queen of panic
So I struggle
And fight
And flail
Only to fall to an endless doom of deep dark nothing
Where blood is thick like maple syrup
And people are as concealed as concrete
My insides turn into this consistency
Of dog **** and bleach
And it burns my throat
And makes me cry
As I choke on my thoughts
Because by the time I reached the pit of the quicksand
I begin to absorb it
And I then become
The things people call me
When they are most upset with me
be afraid, be very afraid
Jane Bell Oct 2017
There's something that doesn't feel right
When I moved out and told you this was best for me
Or when I didn't say goodbye to my little brother because he was outside playing
are both things I did for logical reasons
But if it was so logical
Why am I laying here alone questioning my reasoning for what I did?
Because now things just don't feel right.
Caitlyn Emilie Sep 2017
Snoozing the alarm clocks hit the highest record today, congratulations.

We got out of bed after the sixth one went off, then continued to lay in bed until the seventh one blared through.

We opened the blinds at two in the afternoon.

We went downstairs and didn't eat until 4pm, congratulations it's practically dinner time.

Our anxious hands spilt the coffee we carried into the living room because we only got five hours of sleep.

We spent the whole evening completing six chores because we had no energy to get up from the floor.

Our night consisted of us hiding away in our bedroom until insomnia washed over us and rocked us harshly to sleep yet another night.

Congratulations.
something new(: enjoy
Caitlyn Emilie Sep 2017
Get a job says every family member or friend I've ever had.

Get a job says depression, mocking me and taunting me while holding the words my family said to me over my head.

Get a job says mom at 7pm when she walks in the door from work, not even asking me how my day was.

Stop being lazy and sitting around all day, it's time to grow up.

Mom, I'm trying to explain to you what it's like to wake up at 10 and lay there in bed until 12:30.

I'm trying to make you comprehend what it's like to eat your first meal of the day at 4 in the afternoon when it should've been at morning.

Half the time I eat just to make you not see how broken I am, to pretend to be someone I really never was or am.

Mom, I eat my feelings because I'm too afraid to say them and all that food is just me trying to fill in the holes anxiety left when she tore through me.

Mom, I'm not lazy!

I'm exhausted and embarrassed and I've carried this shame and guilt and blame for as long as I can remember.

My brain is wound up in chains and soon nothing will remain

Mom do you understand?

I'm a stranger living in the skin of my own body, just a lifeless ghost smiling and making appearances to please everybody.

Mom, I'm tired.
something a little new(: hope you're all having a fantastic day. Just keep trying<3
Caitlyn Emilie Sep 2017
His emotions were like the ocean, so vast and deep, and full of words unspoken.

He confessed to me all his sins and converted to an emotional, selfish machine: so violent, yet completely fulfilled of utter purpose.

I listened to him and his story, then instantly hated myself because I couldn't cure the brokenness or unleash the glory his soul once possessed.

His voice was so full of anger and sadness, distinct with the fear that he would not be able to survive this raging storm on his own.

I told him that I loved him and took him away from the place he once called a home.

He was always impatiently searching for a place he had never known, hoping that someday he wouldn't have to constantly live in the unknown.

His lips soon spoke the four words I never quite wished his voice would ever intone, while also pleading and begging me to not leave him on his own.

He sat down and told me his problems and I listened to the voice of someone I thought I knew.

After the pleading and gasping of breath, he told me he had no ounce of energy left.

Soon fate circumvented much to his relief and a sharp blade gently kissed the skin under his sleeve, but death wasn't ready to take him under his wing.

He was sent back to a place where the pain would subside to a sting.

He was practically forced to jump back on his feet and stop bargaining for less time with his grief.

I'm sorry and I promise that I will try to help you find some peace, but if you go down, I go with you.

How's that for release?
another find in the ole poetry notebook. wrote this baby a while ago and ever since the day I wrote it, it's always been my favorite piece I've ever written. lately this has become a real part of my life, at the time it was a work of fiction. Since this poem was written in 2015, I've now made a friend who this poem relates to entirely. kinda strange how life works like that..
Caitlyn Emilie Sep 2017
This constant checking, constant inspecting of every inch of my workspace, every inch of my home.

These demons in my head can't seem to leave me alone and I convinced myself that everything will never be okay.

I guess when you're living in hell, it's the price you have to pay.

It's just never ending and I'm so sick of overthinking.

I'm almost positive by now my brain is shrinking.

I barely eat anymore and I can't seem to ever sleep.

This blurry part of me is something I guess I'll always have to keep.

You said you could handle it and that you could help me, but darling you can't even help yourself let alone set my demons free.

I put my heart in your hands and trusted you with it, but that was like placing scissors in the hand of a curious child and expecting them to remit.

You tried so hard to always soothe me of my own pain.

You tried so hard to make my burdens yours and withdraw them all away.

I'm realizing now that if I were normal, maybe you would have stayed and it took me so long to collect my ghost back into my body, to restart this lifeless heart you handed back to 'just somebody.'

My dear, you never quite stopped all the screaming.

Things have gotten much worse since you ended my dreaming.
an old write I had hidden away in my poem book</3
V Sep 2017
I love cleaning,
I need to clean.
From my hands to the walls,
Lysol, Windex, Disinfectants, Bleach.

Don't ask me why...
Don't say "But everything is already so spotless!"
Because friend, reality is one thing,
My mind is the mess.
OCD

It hurts, I am tired, but I can't stop.
What is tired I don't know but I can feel it in my eyes, my brain.
A dream is suppose to make us float in the clouds, but how when they are all nightmares that lead into my daily seems?
What does it feel like to be rejuvenated and bright like the sun, except I have had to much sun or was it the rainy impact that I'm used to?
I say it's OCD, but is it really?
I say it's my anxiety and deny that it's probably depression, but is it really?
This house is filled with spirits, but I promise it's not schizophrenia.
My mind is a rollercoaster travelling at the speed of light, but which is faster?
I say it's OCD, but is it really? Yes since everytime and day I get an intrusive thought to say.
I sound fowl, grey and shady. Please understand I'm tired.
Going to run down in the ground, until my life pleads withe joy. Give me the sip of tea, since then I will feel awake.
Morning is here, the day is bright, the afternoon comes and I'm starting to get a fright, once it is evening and the sun melts beside the moon, I'm tired and afraid at night time for another tea to make me feel free!
Thank you for reading.
Gray Sep 2017
Have you ever had a doctor say “I believe you are exaggerating” or, “are you sure it is that bad?”. You reply in a half gone voice taken by days without sleep, astounded by the wall you will to have to climb “I-i-i-i-i don’t k-k-know”. As the words leave my mouth your faith of help crashed. The doctor smiles as if you am fine. As if you will not go home and cry, maybe go to that small metal box you hid in your closet you pretend doesn’t exist. You rattle it and a familiar sound greets you, it begs you to come back, you want to let it back. You know it will sting, sting worse than you remember. All of a sudden you snap back, you are still in the small room that smells like bleach and incense. The doctor closes his file on you, filled with you in black and white. He still has the sickening smile on his face, and says “we will need a follow up six weeks. “You are still off in the distance “numb”
This might not really be poetry
Madison Sep 2017
As deadly as sepsis
It makes your world so small
Creeping in
Inch My inch
Until you suffocate within yourself
OCD has made my world so small
I'm not sure there's any world at all anymore


But I will fight back
Push back
Against the walls
That suffocate me
I will push back and
Kick and
Scream and
Swear and
Fight.
Until I can see the world again
"OCD no longer engulfs me.
I engulf it."
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