Does it have to be heavy today?
Can I not carry
every memory,
every almost,
every ache—
just for today?

Another night, another drink.
Not too much—just enough.
Enough to ease the tightness
when I think of your hands on my arm.

Sober, it’s too much.
My chest burns,
tears press forward,
my breath turns on me.

I try to ground myself—
TV flicker,
phone glow,
messy bed,
tight socks,
empty bottle.

Five things I can smell—
but I stop.
The bottle stares back.
Still empty.

I head downstairs,
open the fridge,
grab a few more.
Not to get drunk—
just to keep the sting away.

I say I’m healing.
Say therapy’s helped.
But I don’t believe I have a problem.
My bottles are quiet enough to believe me.

They pile beside me,
the only ones
who know the truth.

I can’t tell you how much I miss her
or I might begin to cry
it may just be the idea of her
and my memory is a lie
either way, there is a deep-rooted longing
the need for companionship and belonging
someone to share my love and passion
feel free to call me old fashioned
but I miss her whoever she was or could be
her that fulfilled all my needs
where have you gone the love of my life
I know the answer I know that you died
tell me how I fill that void
that hole where a heart once sat
now those feelings I try to avoid
now I only deal in facts
the fact is I talk to strangers
about everything but love
how can I tell them how much I crave her
about what really is and was
now I use my body to numb the pain
so many strangers
so many forgotten names
I can’t name her
or remember her voice
I can’t even say she loved me back
or that she really had a choice
so please please cut me some slack
if I step out of line
and if I look a little down
please ask again if I say I’m fine.

As a child we wished to grow up faster,

Now we look back and beg to be little again.

You grow numb, growing up was the dumbest wish we had.

We sit and look at old pictures wishing we could go back in time and re-visit that day- that year, that age.

You wish you could back in time to tell your parents you loved them that one day they fought,

Wish you could go back and not be so rude to your siblings,

Go back and say one last goodbye to the family dog, not knowing you wouldn’t see her that afternoon after her vet visit.

Go back and watch the puppy so he dosen’t run into the road.

You didn’t want to tell your siblings it happened. You kept it to yourself.

Now you keep everything to yourself, you barely speak about how you feel and you’re bullied by kids in school now; Oh to turn back times, become friends with that one kid maybe it would be different.

But you lay in bed looking at old family photos seeing yourself and whistling you could back and be the once vibrant kid you were.

Not the numb teen you’ve be once over the years, you’re numb. And you wish you could cry but it dosent flow

Everything is numb

I bought my peace in silver flakes,
from shadow hands in quiet breaks.
They said it shimmered, said it flew —
but gravity still pulled me through.

I lined the stars on bathroom tile,
called it freedom for a while.
It sparkled like a borrowed sky —
but burned like comets passing by.

I chased the night, I chased the glow,
until the stars fell down below.
And when the morning asked for me —
I left in dreams I’d paid to see.

Come first wake,
I bleed.
Pain and suffering
Defile within.
Loving will all,
But receiving less.
Your cries,
Breaking me.
"memento mori",
It's my time.

Two graves:
One for me,
The other for you.
For I , have been living dead
It wasn't fate,it was your deeds.
Had a nightmare,
But failed to psych up .
You lost me, and I lost my time .
Your demise.
We are strangers again.
   [November 23, 2024]