Beyond the chipper cheerful rays of sun.
Lies a dark and hungry oblivion.
Where horrors shed obsidian garments.
Nightmares claw at your hidden compartments.
To unleash terror's shadow,
upon your thoughts distorted glow.
Behind every sun is a dark lark.
Laced with fear's song to sink your heart.

i've watched you die one thousand times
in one hundred different ways

still, i can't decide which is worse
what my mind creates at night,
or, what we found that day

this reoccurring theme of mine,
all that i've catastrophized,
comes out at night to play

sometimes, my mind
makes me watch you die -

a masochistic gift for me

sometimes, it's that i know you'll die
and i can't warn of what i see

once i dreamt you faked your death
to prove our lack of care
you didn't even tell your best friend, Steve
he was just as confused and unaware
"i knew it! you guys don't love me"
you screamed, as i stood there

my mind still fights the guilt i have
but it rears its ugly head

i woke up on my 25th birthday
crying, from the torments of my bed

the dreams that make me pause the most
are where you live
but you're not you

you're angry, and hurt, and you're like a child
and you won't calm down to speak to me
and i don't know what to do

but i know why i have that dream
it's my soul's decline of guilt

because if that's what we saved you for
our lives couldn't have been rebuilt

my mind wanders to that night
staring down the stairs

it's my mind and it pleads with me:
it's better we weren't there

the nightmares start when I open my eyes
every morning my fears grow limitless
picturing my years to come in ruins
overcoming sprouts of hope I’ve been sowing

all I think is Mary
the pure was tested with slander
shaken a solid tree while in pain
kept silent when she wants to explain
said all she needs is trust
all she had was faith

As a child
I hid under my covers,
Fearing the monsters of the night
Lurking beneath my bed.

But now they live in my mind,
Crawling through the cracks,
Festering— even in the sun’s warmth.

No blanket can shield me.
No lamp, no lullaby.

I close my eyes
But still, they linger.

No screams today,
Missed calls from the void.

My organs sleep,
Still in place.

I walked dark streets
Last night,
But happy.

So today I hug
These knees,
Dislocated shoulders.

Today I love you.

anxiety attack
sweat down my back

sleepless nights
and walking nightmares

I am being followed everywhere,
my own shadows are ahead of me

they lead the way,
and have me doubt
each step, each word, each thought
they crawl from underneath my skin
they mock, they push, they scream

“not good enough “
-again, they bluff

my grandmother unscrewed
the door to my room
and removed the carpet from my floor

in the winter months
my toes went white and my fingertips hued blue
my lips marred red as i looked to the ceiling
and pondered my importance in this reality

i went to sleep that night and had a dream
i thought was so clever
in this dream i said: 'Roses are sometimes red, and violets
are rarely blue'.
Somebody hand me a Pulitzer this instant

in hindsight, my dreams were foretelling
as i awoke in the hospital with a headache
and diagnosis of hypothermia
the nurses and social workers sat in chairs
with my grandmother beside them  

i closed my eyes and visualized all the
yellow roses and white violets often overlooked
and with a few smiles
and words of affirmations to the guests judging my performance
I received a standing ovation
of vibrant violets and beautiful deep reds thrown on stage
and returned to the Tiled Floors.

I sweat through nightmares,
Clenching the sheets.
In between reality,
And bitter dreams.
How much longer can I fall?
When will I wake up?
I'm giving it all my strength,
But that's all I've got.
No one is scared of heights,
They're scared of falling from them.
Ex. You aren't scared when you look at a tower,
But you're scared when you're at the top.
Legs shaking,
Threating to give out.
Good thing the ground,
Always comes eventually.

I hear whispers,
In the night.
Somebody lurking,
Far away
Or are they,
Very close?
Paranoid,
Hanging crosses on doorknobs.
But does even Christ,
Have the power to protect me from things unreal?
Staring into the dark,
Fatigue eating at me.
Trying to be quiet,
So whatever is out there won't hear me breathe.

Dreams take me back,
To dark winter woods.
Howling winds,
I swear I saw it.
I swear it's real.