I stood over the sink
Scrubbing our negroni glasses
Wishing the ginger-scented soap
Would wash away the cancer
Because the chemo didn’t work

I was wearing eyeliner
When I first met you
We’d laugh about that later
Over a bottle of wine
And patatas bravas

We always had our weekends
Movie dates and inside jokes
We would guffaw at the
Fuckery of it all
My god your laugh
How it filled a room

I remember when you said
“I love you, Christopher…
because you just GET ME”
You expressed appreciation
For how I carved out time
For our friendship

I reminded you,
“I don’t carve out time for you,
I shove everything away while
screaming ‘I NEED MY HEIDI TIME!’”

*******.
I need my Heidi time

For years you were
The most consistent thing in my life
Always there for one another
We were each other’s touchstones
I realize this now more than ever
During my weekends spent alone

Wine tastes different now
Something’s missing
Going to the movies feels strange
It’s like the hero has
Left the frame

Remember when I smoked cigarettes?
You’d *** a drag as we crept
Through early evening traffic
On our way to get gelato
Or if we were feeling sassy
Maybe an affogato

I switched to vaping
When you went into hospice
Then back to menthols
When your spirit left this world

I’m addicted to our memories
More than the nicotine
They bang around my head
Like a song or a scent
Nostalgic  
And
Lingering

You tattooed
“CEDENDO VINCES”
On your wrists
“By yielding, you will win”
My finger traced those words
While I held your hand

Last breaths

But what are deaths?

Transitions
Energy
Shifting
A spark
Returning

/ / /

Those letters live
On my wrists now
A reminder of her
The sister I never had
And sometimes
I still hear her laugh

I remember both,

1: my memory device --


2: it doesn't apply.

the thought of you whispers to me
in my lonesome moments
your stride glides swiftly to me
eyes of earthly-tinged emeralds
fire-soaked whiskers brush upon me
and the slightest rosy sweetness
leaves me yearning for you
all
over
again

Remember, one Summer,
street was closed for construction
We'd careen through the roads
near each other's homes.
Wheeling through dreams on our bikes
in the swelter
we'd reach for the sky 'neath the cottonwoods'
dome.

Some nights, I still walk through those
baseball glove hours--
those sweat-smelling days
                                       and
those Kool-Aid stain weeks.
And I can still feel that
pubescent laughter
which lived in my chest
                                       and
still pounds for release.

I've leased some apartments
and filed my taxes.
I've broken some promises
                                        and
           I've been destroyed
And I've been rebuilt, but never rebranded
                            Those
                Summer time sunsets
               tattooed on my sinews,
              they just wouldn't have it.

comfort my mind
touch my skin

make me believe
i am here

here

i breathe nothing
i see nothing

how can i tell
anything apart?

you tell me to
sing my name

what's my name?

am i not yours
to keep

what am i
living for

is there more
to me

will i ever be
enough just for one?



how far can
i run

before i leave
me behind

is there a mountain
i can spend

between green
grass blue skies

it must mean
something

surely

things should mean
something

anything but this
sinking feeling

that keeps me awake
when i'm dying

do you know how
it feels to die

to die

how can i tell
anything apart?

when i'm never
here

when i'm already
gone

how sharp is a
memory

to cut through
the bones

the heart keeps
knocking

nobody's home
nobody's home
nobody's home

anymore





@writeweird

comfort my soul
touch my hand

make me believe
i am here

here

i breathe nothing
i see nothing

how can I tell
anything apart?

you tell me to
sing my name

what's my name?

am i not yours
to keep

what am i
living for

is there more
to me

will i ever be
enough for one

how far can
i run

before i leave
me behind

is there a mountain
i can spend

between green
grass blue skies

it must mean
something

surely

things should mean
something

anything but this
sinking feeling

that keeps me awake
when i'm dying

do you know how
it feels to die

to die

how can i tell
anything apart?

when i'm never
here

when i'm already
gone

how sharp is a
memory

the heart keeps
knocking

nobody's home
nobody's home
nobody's home

anymore





@writeweird

After years pass
there are
                    fragments
of memory
that scab up

The coagulation
Transmorphs
Into a siren
Luring me

To pick them open
like a lock
Just to call them
                    home
once more

far from this place
there is a september

that waits for us
with a golden sunrise

where siblings sing
in circles

holding hands like
they used to

back in '99

when this world was
a better place

grass was soft
and green

sky was big
and blue

whence dreams
never left

how quickly the
sun sets to the west

now that it's the
end of the world


@writeweird