I always knew that you were trouble
But I let my selfishness get in it
And now I'm stuck with you
Creeping your way

I ask myself
Why do I do what I do?
I'm too loving
Too kind
Too generous,
I almost feel like it's never worth it
Because you just kept me
In a jar with pencils and sticky notes,

You use me, draw on me carefully
Enough to crack me
But never break me.

(n.) things better left unsaid; matters to be passed over in silence

Often, the thought of him will cloud her head,
the what if’s
and often enough, the thought of maybe she wasn’t good enough
will take it’s turn,
tugging on her brain.

She could recall the exact moment she caught herself
falling for him,
a thought that never seemed scary to her before,
but in the moment,
she was the most terrified that she’d ever been.

You see,
love was never a thing that she saw for herself
especially when it came to him.
Romance was the last thing on her mind when he
was around.

She could remember all the rose golds and
hearts around Valentine’s Day,
her favorite heart shaped candies
that boys would give out,
a simple “be mine” that changed a girl’s life.

A flavor that wasn’t ever nice to eat,
but somehow,
the fact that is was given by a boy
made all the difference
of how chalky it really tasted.

So when he walked in with his deep
brown hair,
she imagined herself swimming in the pools of
chocolate that occupied
his manipulative eye sockets.

Eyes that had stared into her soul a
million times before,
but for some reason,
this time felt different
and she couldn’t quite tell why,

but it had to do with the fact she had seen
what those eyes really look like,
when you’re alone in the dark
and there’s no one around,
left to impress.

She felt shivers,
and she knew that with every bat of an eyelash,
he was slowly
throwing aside her shirt once more,
and leaving her vulnerable once again.

A manipulation that she’s sure other girls have witnessed,
because she knows she wasn’t the first,
and she certainly wouldn’t be the last
to rest her head upon his pillow,
and moan out in pleasure.

The walls seemed to cave in around them
and she could feel her body go lifeless,
trying to get deeper
and feel every possible warmth
from the boy who swore he loved her.

And she said she loved him too,
even with knowing the true risks of getting involved with him,
but one thing she never thought
she’d witness from him,
heartbreak.

Because after all,
most things are better when you keep them
to yourself,
especially telling a boy you love him too,
when he never said “I love you.”

Why must the
S I M P L E S T
Things remind me of
Y O U

Why must the tiniest
S E X U A L
Reference send me
B A C K

Why can’t I be
S T R O N G
Not like how I am
N O W

W E A K

You were just a text
B U B B L E
And now you are ever present in my
R E A L I T Y

O N L I N E
R E L A T I O N S H I P
=
T R A U M A
I S  N O T
P O S S I B L E

Breaking me down with
M A N I P U L A T I O N
With your crafty
R O L E P L A Y S

They make me want to
E N D
Everything about
M Y S E L F

I am disgusted with what you
T U R N E D
Me into, but I’m getting
B E T T E R

S I L E N T
B U T
I M P R O V I N G

And one day,
Y O U
Will see the better version of
M E

The
M E
You could never
R E A C H

The
M E
You could never truly
T O U C H

I  A M
W O R K I N G
T O  G E T
P A S T
Y O U

I  A M
W O R K I N G
T O  F I N D
C O N T E N T M E N T

I  A M
W O R K I N G
T O  B E C O M E
H I G H E R
T H A N

Y O U
E V E R
C O U L D
C L I M B

Fears created by years and years of trauma and abuse and manipulation. Triggered by the smallest thing.
I’m sorry.

You crowd me
You suffocate me
You dress me in chains of gold
You hold me
You kiss me
You surround me in proclamations bold
“I love you”
“I need you”
“You are all I have”
I can’t stand you
I hate you
But I’m your only salve

She has built your memories out of lies,
Screamed at you countless times,
And for every hurt she causes you,
tells you it is your own fault
You were raised to be co-dependant,
and then punished for not being independant
You burn books out of frustration
and shut out the world
because you've been "taught" how much more dangerous it is
than your own cage of a house
This fire she continues to twist around you,
Igniting unprovoked anger,
Because you dared to bend a rule she breaks every day,
Lighting up the trail of gas
and burning your memory away,
She birthed you to be her puppet,
and when you wiped the half-done paint job away
she tortured you into submission,
For all the lies she forces you to listen
Maybe we've solved the puzzle of her constant lies,
but it doesn't matter.
she doesn't matter,
but you do.
And I tell you now,
You won't have to listen to her lies
forever.

You’ve had too much control
You’ve abused your privileges
Your role in my life
Your place in my heart

And now I don’t feel as much
It’s easier to ignore you
Your manipulation

I ought to feel for you
I really probably should
But you’re not kind
You don’t even attempt
To care for yourself
Why would you dream
You could care for me

You’re supposed to be an authority
But everything out of your mouth...
It’s poison
Toxic to my system
Making me weak
Delirious
Unhinged

I took your pain as my own
And you still would hurt me
I guess that says something about you...

So I stopped feeling for you
And you hate me for it
Because I don’t treat you as my queen
You don’t deserve it
You’re not that special
You’re just hurting
You’re insecure
But that’s not my problem
I can’t help you
You just hurt me
So I don’t feel for you

[Reupload]

When you looked into my eyes
and said you'd never let me go.
Did you intend to throw it away?
You stripped me of my trust.

The lines of code in front of my eyes
keeps me from telling you of my hurt.
Its like a barrier freezing my body.
You took away my innocence.

I want to break free of this mess
but you keep holding me back.
You keep me from leaving your clutches.
I need to escape this before its too late.

You control my life
as if I'm just a puppet on strings.
"I'm not a toy to play with", I say
But youre too busy to hear.