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lila Jun 2019
the screams still echo throughout my head
and they terrify me, the same way they did when i was a child
every once in a while i hear them again
and suddenly

i’m back in the house
haunted by ghosts of memories
my small back
pressed up against the cold door
my little hands were covering my ears
trying to drown out your venomous words

i try and forget these broken memories
and only remember the good
but how am i supposed to do that
when the worst are most vivid?

i saw the back of your head
more than the front
but now i see your face
everywhere i look
guilt shoots pain through my chest
and i’ve never hated myself more
i forgave you, i said i forgave you
i told you i forgave you
so why can’t i shake
these flashbacks of a time
when we weren’t so picture perfect

your death has left my thoughts
a tangled mess in my head
and i can’t seem to unravel the knots
no matter how hard i try

i’ve been turned to ash
to frigid water
that instead of relief
only seems to burn
because now nothing
is how it’s supposed to be
anymore

i should’ve buried these memories
the day we buried you
because there was no point in being angry
i don’t think you knew
how much you hurt me
don’t remember the pain you caused
because it wasn’t you

you were a shell of your former self
a monster fueled by toxins
running through your veins

forgiving you
has been the hardest thing i’ve had to do
but easier
than carrying the weight of a grudge
on my shoulders
i wish i had realized when you were alive

you never apologized for
everything you put me through
i thought it was because you didn’t notice
no one pays attention to the things they don’t care about
and i was positive
you didn’t care about me

forgiving you
was the hardest thing i had to do
but forgiving myself
will be much harder
6/22/2019
Hanafuda Jun 2019
He drowns in the ashes of his own existence,
He breathes the bitter charcoal imbued in gas
And only the flame of love could've ignited the wings of knowledge.
The colors of our merging were painting his new destiny
When he looked at the sky and didn't speak anymore;
He had his mouth sewn and his body tied with a thread of sound
And darkness feathers and the soul of us:
He sewed it himself with his necrotic hand
Because only in death we could've existed as a being.

I've tasted the abyss which trickled on his fingers,
But he couldn't resist it so he conquered the exil.
He fell in the univers, leaving behind a flaming arrow
To burn my sky and life, burying me in the ashes of a past love.

None but the thought left by you helps me find my hope,
Only the illusion of love still burns inside me with purple flames,
And my blood started to ignite our memory,
Covered by the fog of pain and happiness moans.
When black whispers fill my heart and soul,
His violet touch crushing my mellow bones,
Shaped and painted also by him,
Then just the yearning assails me and I remeber
....you'll be next to me, still in the hot sheets from last night.
Because you can actually die from a broken heart.
Esther L Krenzin May 2019
Such an fierce yet kind-hearted soul
you grew your own little world
one made of flowers and ferns
that responded like the unfurling wings
of a butterfly
straining for sunlight and warmth

You've touched so many hearts
held so many hands
mother
daughter
sister
friend
you've claimed your spot in our lives

Even as I stare ar your face--
so worn from burdens
so lined with laughter--
a glimmer of the woman you were
peeks through the cracks of your eyes

Squeezing
clenching
gently grasping your hand that so lovingly
tended to your own
an mere murmur of your former glory
remains

Loved ones flock
shaking under the weight of your death
distant beeping of machinery
mocking our attempts to hold on to you
if only for a little longer

"Don't leave," I inwardly beg
your lashes flutter
as if in response to my plea
I clench my fists but it's no use
you choke but never falter
my mother singing while you gasp

Red lights
whirring machines
as you
breathe
your last
I taste salt
it lingers in the air
and I think
it always will.

Esther Krenzin
Roguesong
For my Great Grandmother.
Selcæiös May 2019
You looking at her
But you're winking at me
  Checking on me,
Turn by turn where to go

  But I still don't ******* know
Which way we're supposed to roll
Or how much 'til you overdose

    It's too foggy in thought
So we're lost in my head
  Here we are,
Plotting on each other again

    Maybe it's time we outgrow this overflow
Even if it looks like it's just all for show
  'N I dare you,
  Ask me again;

    Cause I'll clock you right in your throat
Cause I still don't ******* know
  But I do know in Reality,
We out here lost on the Road.
DancingEnt May 2019
I crave affection
and love
and tenderness
and understanding
and friendship
and compassion

A cup that once ran over
now is empty
and no matter how hard
I fight to replenish it
the fighting depletes the cup
and it chips and breaks
bringing it closer
to not being able to hold anything at all.
heavy heart, empty cup, futile attempts
Haylin Apr 2019
The worst part of losing someone is feeling them slip away.

Knowing that they would rather be doing anything else, than be with you.

Knowing that you're nothing but a weight, holding them back.
Knowing that you aren't enough.

But maybe you shouldn't have fooled yourself like that.

When have you ever been?
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