if my head weren't attached
i'd lose it in seconds.

no. milliseconds.

my head is more like
a beautiful bouquet of balloons
i hold tightly with both hands

when i'm doing too good
i get so excited that

WHOOPS!

i let them all go.

and then i'm jumping
like a ******* idiot
trying to gather them all.

but they float away fast
and i'm still jumping
while others tell me,
"it's okay, they always come back...
well, after you f i n a l l y calm down."

but i can't calm down
i lost my balloons.

of course, eventually, they do come down.
deflated and strings tangled
(or missing)

i gather them
try to untangle and repair them
and hold on tightly
with both hands
once again.

Death is a hard subject to talk about
It can be a wonderful thing or a terrible thing
But there is no reason to pout
Life can used up like string

I had lost my Great-great granddad awhile back
It took me a long time to get over it
I can’t remember if I dressed in black
I did throw quite the fit

We all have the one person we are close to
It would **** you if they died
You could commemorate them by getting a tattoo
All of us have cried

The subject of death is hard
Some joke about
People can get scarred
We just try to stay in doubt

I know what it's like to fail
In a continuous loop
In this game I trail
I keep missing the hoop
As my spirit goes stale
I forget how to shoot
I let out a banshee's wail
And then I go mute

I know what it's like to lose
To be beaten and bruised
By those who pick and choose
Who hangs from their noose
My mission wasn't a success
Once you told me I was a mess
And you weren't impressed
After I undressed
So I elect to rest
After deciding you're the best

In my lonely bed I lie
Even here I slowly die
I don't even have to try
To be losing my life
So I'm using a knife
To cut out my eyes
And get rid of my sight
Because my main plight
Is watching day lose to night
The only winner my grey blight

I try to put a padlock
On the mad clock
Like an ad block
On my last box
God laughs a lot
Saying "I think not
Time can't be bought
You must wither and rot"

I've lost the battle
And the war
I hear death rattle
In my core
As I implore
God for more
To reach the shore
But he slams the door

There's no such thing as heaven
Just a seventy year game seven
Where my eyes gradually redden
So I can't play the game
While my optics are strained
Until my vision is completely lost
And I die alone in the frost

I never knew how it felt lacking words; Being unable to express; unable of movement; of communicating.
I never felt how it was being unable to understand, how it was to be misunderstood. The unwillingness to understand.
You looked at me as if I was invisible, if I was a blank page in a fantasy book.
If I was the rain after a happy summer day. If I was about to leave my body. Couldn’t you tell that I was losing? Losing from the battle with my thoughts? Couldn’t you see that my tears were screaming for help? That the hands in my hair were asking you to hold me. Asking you to understand me. To be with me.
I never knew how it felt to be this small. Sitting on the ground. Wanting to disappear. My voice thrills, my legs are shaking, my mouth is dry, and my feelings are the only thing I am able to swallow. I never felt so naked, naked with my clothes on. My walls and masks; my personalities and defense mechanism. Gone. There was me. Naked. Me. Sitting on the cold floor, facing myself. Crying. Calling. Asking to be understood. Asking For help. For answers. For somebody to save me. To save me from myself.
I never knew how it felt to lose.                                    

But I did lose

I did.

-AIL

I was craving how love could feel,
how intimacy could heal
I tried dating
but ended up wishing
I'd stick with the reoccurring dreams
and their appeal
with their kisses trailing down my thighs,
kissing me goodnight
People started worrying, told me they were praying
People told me to 'let God lead me to him',
to that special person I'd share my life with
'Let God choose him'
Because I seem to lack of good judgment
And soon enough, I fell in love
Jumped, never knowing when I'd hit the ground
God lead me to you and I was found
But now, he might feel inclined to take you back
Like depriving sleep from an insomniac
Because, I fell in love with the God I see in you
and I don't know which one I am supposed to listen to

I’m searching
for words.

Words
explaining me.

Me
and those feelings.

Feelings
of love and fear.

Fear
of losing you.

You,
whom I adore.

Adore
with all I have.

If someone tells you they are blind... do you test them?
Do you doubt them? Do you disbelieve them or judge them?
Do you deny the Labrador in harness or perhaps the cane in hand?
What dogs and canes must I present for your eyes if I say I am broken? Will you believe me if I have nothing to show in evidence other than my word?
Will you see and believe or would you test me to cross a freeway unaided?
I am broken. I have no dog. I have no cane and the traffic is heavy.
I am blind shouting to the deaf.