the steel blue of your eyes fixated on me
like my presence was a gift in itself
the calloused tips of your fingers
grazing over my skin and pulling me close
you held me like nothing else mattered
as if time itself had stopped and given us this moment

the good morning messages and the evening calls
we fell asleep together even when we weren't
your subtle snores down the phone
replacing the heartbeat i'd hear resting on your chest
but sometimes we'd stay up until the sun broke through our windows
not regretting a moment of lost sleep

the walks along the common no matter the weather
to that place by the playground where we'd lie and spot planes
and you'd laugh and say it wasn't a competition
but we both knew that was only because you were losing
the same grass upon which you took the picture of a flower in my hand
it's wearing away but you still keep it in your wallet

your dogs jumping up and greeting me at the door
and your mother's smile when she sees me enter
us playing football with your brother in the garden
and laughing over slow motion replays of goals scored
i felt so at home in your home
as if your family was mine, like there was a special place for me

now i'm left wondering what to do
how am i meant to fill this enormous void
of the life that we had molded together
you had become a part of me
and i don't know how to separate it and become whole on my own

i miss the bare minimum that you gave me
i waited on every text
relished every call
and every time our eyes met i fell in love all over again
i was completely and utterly devoted to you
to loving you
to making sure you felt loved

but now i don't even have the cradle of your voice
or how held i felt when we locked eyes
and the warmth of your embrace

you've left me cold and unsheltered

but i would still give you the shirt off my back
if i noticed your shiver
and i still answer every text
every call
because even though i'm not what you want
you're still everything

Can’t you see me crying?
Flames gnawing at my skin?
Can’t you hear my belting cries
Deep from the underbelly,
From the darkest depths within?

How much longer must you hide from
That which you’re not willing to address?
You put on a mask in your own home,
You cannot see what is amiss.
Must I spell it out for you?
Must I make it painfully clear that I am suffering?
Baffled by the change in behaviour,
You point the finger at me and say
I am to blame!
Is there no introspection on your part?
No patience when asking questions?
No curiosity when seeing my pain?
No time. No time at all.
No proof to hold,
My struggle must be in vain.

Nothing.
I get nothing from you.
No warmth.
Nothing. Nothing at all.
So cold, cruel, callous.
I cry I cry
I make puddles, pools,
Still you won’t believe me.

You,
let me
fly away into
an invisible stream
that carried me all the way
home,
back around the bend and into
my own arms.

Let go of my string, and
I disappeared behind a cloud.
I thought I’d watch you with the angels
but began to look away,
where there were trees swaying.
Leaves hushing,
though the world doesn’t spare
one moment of silence.

And roots dug deep beneath
my own plot of dirt,
where you stepped between
the seeds without
looking down, and
pressed the soles of your
shoes
into my chest

Do you still not know
Who I am after all these years?
Was it my fault for not telling you
Or for you never asking?
Did I deceive you because
I was reserved?
Did it ever occur to you that
I could be suffering in silence?
Yet let me ask again
Do you still not know me after all these years?
What am I to you
Who am I to you
What do I seem like to you?
Because you are baffled by my reaction
To your cold shoulder
Your blunt response
Telling me to deal with it
On my own
Like I’ve always done.
And I don’t know
If you can see
What it is you’re doing
But you’re making this
So much harder for me.
And I wonder
Do you still not know
Who I am after all these years?
And yet these tears
These familiar tears
Glide on my cheeks
Reminding me that I’ve always been
Deeply lonely.
Deeply.
And when I make a noise
It’s like no one listens
It’s like I’m in a dream
And you’re all in a daze,
And I’m not sure
If it was me who dug this
Deep dark grave.

I saw truth plain as day
Knew I did not mean much
Didn't possess the sense to leave
Desperate to experience your touch
Now you are running away from me
Too cowardly to say goodbye
I am left looking like a **** fool
Just another passerby
Your silence says it all
Want nothing more to do with me
After effort I put forth
Cast me aside like worthless debris
Now true colors are revealed
I caught a glimpse of them before
Gave another chance because
Believed you were capable of more
I worked hard to be somebody you wanted
To improve my imperfections
Did little things to make you smile
Hoping to avoid rejection
Only for actions to be in vain
I am still all alone
Changes made were a stupid waste
If only I would have known
You were just biding time
Til better opportunity came along
May not have been Mr. Right
The way you treated me wrong
I was fine keeping us the way we were
Simply wanted to clarify where we stood
I asked if this was a relationship
Maybe I misunderstood
And even when you lied to me
Disloyalty breaking trust
Still forgave all your mistakes
Until emotions were stomped into dust
I was ready to settle for bare minimum
As long as I could hold you close
Warm sensation was enough
Even if I wasn't what you desired the most
But despite being tolerant and understanding
Still decided to shut me out
After sharply slapped in the face
Finally realize I'm better without
Should never have waited around for you
Because I enjoyed your caress
Deserve so much better than that
I've learned I'd rather be lonely than settle for less