All my little wishes feel more like curses
Shooting stars, 11:11, I haven't done birthday candles since 16 because I know for sure they're cursed
But I never stopped making those silly little wishes
I keep them close and private like an old superstition
Maybe 29 is the year I grow out of it
Since everything I want and wish is a curse
It never works out and I'm disappointed
So when you ask me what I want in life
I don't want a **** thing anymore
The things I crave are so basic and human and wishing for them and wanting them for this long feels like deprivation
It's not that I'm negative all the time
It's just that getting my hopes up is getting old, and so am I

Once I tried to convince myself that it was seasonal,
And that it would pass like the chilly weather.

Then flowers started to blossom,
But I was still stuck in the bud of my mind
And birds came back from migration,
But my happiness didn't.
Though there were no more flurries of snow in the air,
There were still blizzards in me.

Now, I wasn't only freezing,
But I was alone.
While my teeth were chattering,
I watched everyone else have fun in the sun.
With no one here, no one to snuggle up with, it's impossible to keep warm.
I tried to reach out at least a hand to their summer world,
But it could never reach me.
It's almost like I have a repellent on me,
And no matter how hard i scrub,
It always remains.
But of course, I'm not going to drag others into this winter with me.
Because I know the nature of it.
And I wouldn’t want to inflict it on anyone;
Once it begins, it'll never end.

This eternal winter
has no escape.
This eternal winter
Will be the death of me.

I'm lonely when the sky is bright and blue.

When the breeze tries to whisper through my hair,
I wish it wouldn't.

When the sun tries to brighten my face,
I wish an eclipse would darken the skies.

Then the birds try to drown out my thoughts with their endless songs and the flowers ask why I don't admire their pretty petals.

It's too bright. Too noisy. Too colorful. Too....alive.

My mind is only at peace in a world of darkness, stillness, and quiet solitude.

Let me recede into the dark, hazy corners of my soul I call home.
Let me rest.

Trying to figure out my purpose
I can not name one thing
Nohing on my mind
Just these voices screaming
Making me an empty shell
What is life for me?
Do I have any in me left?
Child inside of me died
Long time ago
When men put their hands
Where they don't belong
Child died inside of me
When pills became only source
Child died inside of me
When voices became loud
Child died inside of me
When door started to scream
And bugs crawled all over my skin

I began my day like everyday,
And the night came then;
It reminded me of my loneliness,
Fear enveloped me with closeness.
My heart was pounding,
The pain was never-ending.
I forgot that love existed,
Wanted my suffering ended.
Nothing felt at home,
I wanted everything long gone.
Things scared me to death,
Though i wanted it with no regret.
Ended the night,
And I Began my day like yesterday.

As I stand on the bow of this,...ship,
the wind cuts my body and the rain stings my face,
but my mind does wander from the drudgery of this dull, grey place,
and I find my sweet bonnie, dressed in ribbons and lace.

I stand in awe of this memory,
this perfect example of natural born grace
as she winks at me slyly with a smile on her face,
and i reach for my bonnie dressed in ribbons and lace.

I become involved in this vision,
as I embrace her body and she kisses my face,
imagination runs wild and my heart starts to race,
and the wind cuts my body and the rain stings my face.

                                                                                   -Still Here

Alone

It Feels More Than It Really Is,

Desolate abandoment
The void left by, taught through
The faces I would turn towards
And truest love I knew;

Yet away from me, unhappily
Or indifferent, themselves have turned
Fixed, never to meet within my gaze
My life or their cautionary tale, decerned

Falling in love with many a friend
From very early on
Where nothing matters like they do,
No matter that they've gone.

No matter that the majority
And best parts of our live's real years,
Are spent relapsing in their memory,
As their aura disappears.

It Really Is More Than It Feels

Alone

lately i have been feeling dread
it's like a hammer crushing my head
perhaps, i''m better off dead
my, my, when was the last time i felt glad?

perhaps i am ill, physically or mentally
or maybe i simply want to be freed
from the pressures of being 24
from the weariness of the future, unsure

maybe it's the drinking that's killing me
maybe it's the loneliness
the abject failure to comprehend
her beauty in that sundress

all those years ago,
or the advice my dad gave me
before i graduated college

life seems so absurd now
my friends feel so distant
and love makes me feel sorrow

time, hell of a thing.