Empty bags and candy wrappers
Left strewn about
From my last attempt
To fill this feeling
To suppress this anxiety
Only for it to fail
And give birth to a different sickness

The rage I feel when I look in the mirror
The body I was given
And all that I have done to it
I want it to be beautiful
But just can’t keep up with the work
So the burning grows inside
I’ve gotta let it out
And I want it to hurt

There’s no one else to blame
No other half
I’ve just one brain
There is no wicked tempter
Only chemically driven impulse
I only lose my temper on myself
I want to squeeze til there’s no pulse
I want to shatter my mirror
And use the broken pieces
To carve the body I wished to see
When the mirror was whole

On a rare starry night
dead silence prevailed,
with them all unsheathing
their very own plight.
The moon turns envious,
as she appears in sight,
for it is but a torn kite
before she in her own right.
She turns her records on,
echoing in the silence,
let the humming commence,
all are safe and all are sound thence.
As they all sink in the tune
She confides in the moon,
in the planned secrecy,
she confesses how she
loathes his absency,
even more than
she loathes to admit this.

you gave me love just to take it away
you gave me life so that i may die
and you gave me a heart just so i could be heartless
the life i have lived is not worth living
and it is so that i have died
but in death is rebirth
and in rebirth is death
every opposite has an attraction that governs its repulsion
and it is so i contradicted myself

when i had loved you were only my dark
because i thought inside you i could find a light
and even when i found it
i became lost in my conviction
devil and god
demon and angel
what is the difference but power
one to reign oblivion over life
one to comfort those in death
but in this world
can you tell who is who?

you gave me love just so i could feel it
you gave me life just to be numb
i loved all those that scorn me
as all those who scorn me are me
and i them

what is life beyond life
and what is death beyond death
as god so loved the devil
that he saw his own evil as good
and cast him unto himself
what is the devil but god
and what is the god but devil
these demons my guardian angels i feel found

why must i exist to exist i wish not to be
but that is why i am
we are made to go against and rebel against
but that is why we are made to subserve

Your grace is wasted on a ******* like me
I can’t accept your forgiveness
Because I haven’t forgiven myself
Don’t make it look so easy
No need to walk the higher ground
I can see you ready to take a fall
The hate that’s hidden is weighing you down
Don’t spare me the rod
And let your bitterness sit and fester
Give me what I deserve
Some say I’m gonna burn for all I've done
And I don’t believe there’s anyone to follow through
But sometimes I wish they were right
An eternity of suffering might be enough
To fill this *******’s bottomless well of self-loathing

Do not look in the mirror:
What will stare back will be sure to cause
Futility; what you thought would look back is just a face
Your mind has created: alas it is what you would like to see.
But in reality all you are left with is undesirable.
Quick, where is the moisturizer? I see some lines.
Dark circles? I thought we weren’t wearing makeup anymore.
You said we weren’t, we’re only 27 there can’t be lines
Impossible.

i craved the fleeting warmth of her impossible kiss
     i still do
           i thought she hated me with my entire being;

yet i longed for nothing more for her to be draped over me
with tender touches and sweet sighs
instead of being held against my will,
as my unwilling, lovestruck body was dragged & pushed --
not lovingly embraced, desired, or cherished; just scorned.

i felt the weight of my arched ankles manipulated by her dainty, ballerina figure i worshiped
coupled with my gasping breaths wrapped around her fickle, faithless fingers,
and i ravenously called this love.

Pull yourself up
never surrender
no pain no gain
get some

collapse
give up
stop the pain
leave it

crush it
win at all costs
may the best man win
no quit

loosen your grip
enjoy the journey
lose with grace
stop

destroy the day
seize the day
capture the victory
nothing is too much to give

relax
today
might be the last
day

I hate myself
I hate myself for everything I am
And I hate myself for everything I’m not

A fool’s worst fear is the one of people understanding him
How many people in the world despise themselves?
How many pretend not to?
A fool’s brain doesn’t work the same as others do
Very obviously a fool’s brain is too close to a fool’s heart
And if you think love is a battlefield, now you must wonder how a fool must feel
Banging, screaming on doors and beds
Self loathing is apparently free in his head
Small oddities in this world, like you and me
Our fears have no name, like you and me
Voice cracks, tears fall, nose sniffles yet our mouths stay closed
Why’s that broken one?