Strings,
So finely woven
Entwined with threads of truth,
Of harsh realities
And with every cut,
The weight grows unbearable
And the unbearable becomes restless
Until you're holding onto
Latching onto
Fingers burning onto
The last string
The last standing string
- that is Faith.

That fading Us just hurts,
That vivid truth breaks my heart,
That reality creeping its way in my thoughts breaking every fantasy crushes my soul.
This sanity isn’t doing any good,
This moment where my heart refuse to acknowledge my mind
I just can’t let go.
Would offer anything to live in this fantasy!
Ohhh God please hear this heart’s desire

where to begin

there is so much ******* pain
lined up inside me
like layers of skin
i have layers of pain

so much unsorted trauma
lying in my chest, mind, heart
my soul
it aches for growth, but
i am still figuring out the trauma part

i am not who i am born into
i am not the things that have happened to me
i am not the people who have hurt me

i am Me
i am my Self
I am Grace
i am strong

i have been hurt
but the weight of the pain has become
too heavy to drag around
i must dump the body

the body of trauma that lay inside me
fare ******* well

i am not required to forgive you
and for now i cannot
for you have sinned much more,
far, far, far more than forgiveness could erase

ten fold
i hope the horrible
terrible
evil
things you’ve committed

i hope they come down raining
ten fold
on your stupid ******* head
since you don’t get the picture

and here i will sit
while you writhe in suffering
disowning your evilness
rather than facing it head on
swords up
cutting through the thick disgust

but you ******* cower
like the ******* you are
you feel no remorse
you find pleasure in the pain of others
and for that
let bygones be bygones

i trust.
for your troubles are out of my hands
the things you’ve done to me
they are out of my hands
i will try to forgive,
oh but i will never ******* forget

i fill my hands with what i deserve
i fill my hands with love
i fill my hands with abundance
i fill my hands with peace

i let you go now
you no longer have a place in my life
holding on much longer will not suffice

I wore red the day you left me
My lips, my hips, and my shame were all
Painted the same shade
I’d be lying if I said I was (OK)
You left a note the day you left my life
You gave me a call, laid out your lies, had made up your mind
I told myself it was what it was, (OK)
My innocence died the day you left me
She threw a fit, laid out a will, and took a dive
I didn’t know if I’d ever be (OK)
I ran a mile, walked in circles,
And spread my sanity out like thin wire
And in it I encapsulated myself with thoughts of you, thoughts of me
I drowned myself in thoughts of we
And I engorged myself in thoughts of what could never be
Until my skin turned a purplish tint and I
Burst

I wore nothing on the day two months after you left me
I dyed my hair
I ran a bath
And I ******-ed at the beauty of self preservation.
Someday our paths will meet
And you’ve ceased to be mine
But I’ll be
OK

Look at me! Look at me!
You’re not looking.
You attention grabbing, narcissistic,
Gas lighting and dismissive,
Tantalizing yet hypnotic,
Cunning man
I’ll look past all the bad if,
You could give me some good
If you could stop the ‘Me, me!’
And make it we
Tell I’m beautiful
Ask about my day
Not argue if I disapprove,
Assure that it’ll be okay
If you cou- “Hey! Look at me!, I’m trying to talk to you”
His eyes wore boredom, his face slack
He never made eye contact
“I’m listening”, he drawled
And so my rose tinted glasses brimmed with tears,
My chest swelling with emotion.
I stopped speaking, stood up, and exhaled,
“I’m leaving”,
I dressed, breathed, and pierced this man with my vision
Hoping he'd meet my gaze
Prayed that my cries heard him, my heart skipping a beat
He stood up, never looked my way, and spoke
“OK”.