It was feeling everything and absolutely nothing simultaneously. It was the dam wall of my heart cracking slowly and then collapsing all at once. Hope came gushing out of everywhere and left my soul speechless and empty.  It felt like I couldn't quite place my feet firmly on the ground and I was floating away up and up out of my own body. I don't know how but I can see my crumpled face the moment he let me down once again. A mixture of hurt, confusion and an irreplaceable look of wonder that I can never quite get to leave my eyes when I look at him. It felt like a blindfold made out of duct tape was ripped off my face and for the first time I was looking at him and I didn't like what I was seeing. It hurt to look at him. I was meeting eyes with a stranger. A stranger that I knew and loved so well not too long ago. It was the feeling you get as soon as the roller coaster ride comes to an end. You're breathless and nauseous, heart beating outside your chest. Relieved it is finally over. It felt like the time I realized I didn't believe in God and cried myself to sleep for a week. All the water in my body was replaced by fire that night and now smoke permanently lingers in my veins. Realizing he was never coming back felt like someone was burning the home I grew up in to the ground and all I could do was watch. That someone was me.

I don’t know why you left me, and I guess I never will, but all of these feelings are dawning on my mind.
These feelings of “I’m not good enough” and that “I’ll never be good enough” because you left.
You left me at one of the most fragile points in my life an I had never felt so alone.
You swore to me that you would always be thre no matter what, but instead of upholding that promise, you ended our friendship with a text message.
Not only did you leave me with these feelings, you also left me with trust issues.
I never thought I’d be able to trust anyone the same way I trusted you again. I went into college skeptical of everyone, trying to trust people, but I just couldn’t trust anyone the same way I trusted you.
You made a part of my life ******* **** because you had to be selfish and claim that you didn’t have time for friends, but oh how Facebook shows your lies.
And a few times I’ve caved. I messaged you.
But now you’re really out of my life, but you’ll never be out of my mind because you’re in my memories.
Saying you were never there would be a lie because you did indeed help me through my toughest times.
But of all this bad, you showed me something good. You showed me that in order to be able to trust I had to find myself and when I finally found myself, I found someone better than you.
Someone I know won’t leave me, someone who literally has no time for anything, but still makes time for me.
And I found this because I found myself.
All those countless hours crying, hoping you’d come back into my life or that you’d give me closure, those hours led me to some amazing people in my life.
So thank you for breaking my heart, thank you for pulling me in and leaving me hung out to dry. Thank you for teaching me that the people in my life that truly care are the ones that will never leave.
*Most importantly, *thank you for letting go.

I used to think about you a lot
Because you were once my apple pie
The thing that kept me going for days.
I cared and loved you
Even if you didn't feel the same way.

Lately, I'm thinking
Which part of it was lost
Because when you came back
Everything left in awe.

I thought all I ever wanted
Was to get you by my side
And now, that you're here
I just want you to get lost.

What happened before left a wound
I guess time really heals everything.
After three long years of silence
All the words was said, and the feelings had left.

It was but a great story
And 'you and I' was just a theory
Somethig haunted me for so long
I could not even remember when.

I wish I could utter good bye
But was there even a 'hello' to start with?
All that's between us are trashed
It needs no futher elaboration.

Even now, I want to end this
Because you don't even deserve a space.
Maybe in our next life
There'll be a better tale told for us.

i shut my eyes and:
if you came
back, sorry
between your lips;
leftover fingerprints
of pride's embrace
all around you.
but you left pride
a while ago,
nonetheless.
and maybe
that would be enough
for me, for us.
because i have been
waiting for you
to come home.
and it's the whispers
of my heart
to the shooting stars;
and for the residue
of what we gripped
inside our palms
to never turn into
'what should have been's,
and instead into
'what will be,'
'what waits,'
smiles of the near and distant
future.

and i closed my eyes:
maybe this one time
i wouldn't make it right
because we would make it past.
i thought.

i thought.

that would be enough;
but reality was
late to the meeting.
and when i handed
my heart to you
eons ago,
you didn't place
your faith into
my arms.
reality was
late to the meeting.
because when i waited
for you to come home,
you did not.
for you liked the past
more than the present;
and that's where home
locates to you.
for the shooting stars
was deaf to my cries.
and the residue of what we had
had already turned into
'should have been's and
'will never be's.

there will still be smiles
in the near and distant
future;
but it will not be my smile
next to yours,
nor my smile carved by you.

I am an
emotional
      archeologist
digging d
                 e
                        e
                                p
into the contours
of the heart
trying to discern
what spots
need tender healing,
how to treat and
soothe its
fissured parts
I am a soul-mind
                   excavator
discerning
temperature and hue
measuring the depths
of textures
as we get down
to the root
We work hard,
my team and I
mapping earthen layers
we use the implements
                     of wisdom
to try and heal
this pain acute
and as we gently
cut through the strata
of history, of scars
I know that this
         explorer's work
is worth it
for we will reach up
to the stars
So we continue on
in patience,
into the
blazing core
      like truth-warriors
like healers
      unlocking secret
ancient treasures
that will rise up
to the
fore

Show me love on hundred waters
that drowned me closer to you,
show me the moon and stars
hidden on the night's shadows.
Show me cruelty on every mistake
that made you realized my worth,
show me tears when you leave,
and I will stay, waiting for you.

Our hearts are burning with fire
we meant to ignite in the dark,
our eyes are bewitched with lies,
we never mind, we lost the spark.

Show me care on purl stitches,
trying to cover every pain,
show me my wings and wishes
so I could move on and fly again.
Show me love on hundred waters
that drowned me closer to you,
and tell me it is over now,
tell me, so I can let you go.

I thought you should know.
I kept trying to let you go.
It's hard for me to do so,
But then again.........
I really don't want to.

A part of me feels like she has forgotten,
what its like to want a boy
maybe she remembers but feels its unimportant.
Or maybe she really did forget the flush of crimson warmth that
stained her cheeks when my father asked her out for the second time.
Or the way her stomach became knots and her sense putty when he kissed her cheek.
she said I can't date him
but she doesn't understand,
because a part of her has forgotten.

When I said I love you,
Know that it is true.
When I said I trusted you,
Remember that I still do.
When I said I hated you,
I hope you know that it isn't true.
Remember when I got mad at you?
Because you said that you love me,
you said you trusted me,
But at the end,
You said you hated me also.
You hated me for something I didn't do.
Though you hurt me,
Know that I still love you.
But now.........
I AM LETTING YOU GO.