I'm running across this uneasy ground
trying so hard to keep sticking around
facing a battle that just won't pan out..
so many people are falling down
it makes me wonder why I of all people
would continue to walk along this road
full of gravel and never-to-be-pieced-to-
gether-stone.
If only life weren't such a hard puzzle
to figure out, why is it such a struggle?
stress is all you've been inhaling lately,
and you've been trying so hard to avoid
it but that's just too bad.. **stress is reality.

When this world is no more,
And everything we know is dead and gone,
Will you miss this life?

Life wants to slow me down
But I'm sprinting all the way to the crown
Boy I used to be lost at every turn
Demeanor of a James Bond
What every boy yearns
I wish to paint pictures
Cant draw so I'll do it through scriptures
Nightmares dominating good dreams
Evil gobbling up my good sleep
Result of a disturbed subconscious
Be yourself, this ain't no contest
Do yourself, you don't need context

Do you think we could go
                               back      
                         to
                    a
         time
when life was simpler?

But why would you want to?
Simple is boring
If you do, what's the point in living?
Instead, please
                            keep
                                        moving
                                                        forward

A sign reads "At the end of this road lies true bliss"
Its a long road, a very long and twisted road.
Pitfalls and caltrops are scattered as far as the eye can see.
The weather is changing all the time,  blistering heat then freezing cold.
Rain falls heavy and the wind almost knocks you off your feet.
Back and forth over and over, heat, cold, rain and wind, always changing.

Alone no one can reach the end, it takes two for this trip.
Along the way little rest stops call out with the  promise of sanctuary.
Sanctuary from the road, the weather, the journey.

The only cost is our separation, to enter you'll go this way and I'll go that way. This way or that way, either way will offer relief from dangers we've face traveling this road. We both will get to rest a while until we feel ready to venture again. However to start again you must go back a ways, all alone and wait for another companion.

The journey we started is a long and treacherous one.
Its clear that many before us have paid the toll for a small respite. In fact as we draw closer we see two more paying their way in. For a moment it looks nice, but, no its not worth the price. I lean over to my companion and whisper softly, together we keep walking.

The road gets worse and worse, as does the weather. As if every outside force wanted us to pull over and go into our own separate havens. Each time we pass a stop, one of us leans over and whispers to the other. Then we continue the journey.

As we walk our path we reach the top of a terrible hill. we can see far off in the distance a faint flicker of light. Between us and the small glow are many more miles of peril. On top of this same hill  is the most tempting rest stop of them all, it's only a few feet away from us. We are left with the choice.

Do we keep walking, or do we go our separate ways? To keep walking is dangerous, hard and exhausting work with only the vague promise of a sign. To stop would mean a long rest from the journey. . . . . . As always one of us whispers to the other softly.

Together we step off with confidence down the road we have traveled for so long, knowing that when we arrive at the next rest stop, before we keep walking, one of us will whisper to the other, as we always have.  


"I promise you someday we'll tell ourselves oh my god this is paradise"

you are leaving this town,
its great, like a shiny crown.
But all I want to do is frown.
You are my best friend, my first love
and now I must loose you.
I don't know what to do,
I don't know how to cope.
But for now all I must do is mope.

Dear me (age 13),
     Congrats, you're a teenager! Get ready for some of the best times of your life and also some of the worst. When you hear that old saying "You never know what you had until its gone," don't just shrug it off. Never take anyone or anything for granted. Soon you will loose someone important. Don't be afraid to mourn. It's okay to cry. Let it out.
With Love,
An older you

Dear me (age 14),
     Middle School is rough, but you're almost done. Keep going. Gymnastics is rough this year competing two seasons in a row, but I promise you its worth it. You'll be so much better because of it. Don't give up!
With Love,
An older you

Dear me (age 15),
      Hello again. Welcome to High School. You're first midterms are coming up. Study a little harder than you think you need to. It's worth it. This year gymnastics will make you the happiest person in the world. Just a warning though, at the top of the highest mountain, there is no where left to go but down. Also thank mom for making you work in the guidance office during study hall. These people will become some of your biggest advocates.
With Love,
An older you

Dear me (age 16),
      When the beam coach says you need to stop gymnastics for a bit to rest your back, listen. Do not keep going when her back is turned. When the bars coach says to stop arching your back, listen. Please listen. But when the head coach tells you to loose 10 lbs, don't. Don't listen. Instead curse her out, tell her how that makes you feel, tell her that she is a horrible human being, and how much you can't stand her, but whatever you do, do not ever let her words control you. You are perfectly beautiful. At regionals, don't go for the double back dismount off bars. End with the full twist instead. But don't be ashamed if you don't make it to nationals. Instead, rest, heal, get better. Skip all the other doctors you think you should see. Instead schedule an appointment with  Dr. Greenberg like the head coach keeps insisting you do. I know its scary and painful right now. But the physical pain will go away.
With Love,
An older you

Dear me (age 17),
     Life is harder than ever right now. The physical pain is awful, but the emotional pain is worse. I'm so sorry this had to happen to you. But please whatever you do, do not pick up that razor. The urges to hurt yourself will only get stronger the more you give in. Its a trap so hard to get out of, you will wonder if you ever can. Instead pick up your camera, swim farther, call a friend. Anything!
With Love,
An older you

Dear me (age 18),
     When you spend the afternoons of your senior year at a mental health facility, embrace the help your getting. Remember the lessons you learn, they will only help you in the long run. Have fun on senior trip, and don't let anyone bring you down! When you start college, don't be so quick to trust your roommate. The girl you met in the bathroom while moving in though, trust her with your life. She will be your best friend. And I honestly don't know where you would be without her.
With Love,
An older you

Dear me (age 19),
     Stop blaming yourself for falling asleep everywhere, and ask the doctor to change your medication. Accept the fact that you have a mental illness and its okay to not be okay. Keep eating lunch and dinners with your friends. Don't forget to thank dad every day when you both live out of a hotel room, so you can finish freshman year. Embrace DBT, and learn to live by it. Sophomore year will start out okay, but will head downhill pretty quickly. When your roommate talks about her sorority, listen. These girls will become you're best friends and biggest supporters (besides blood related family of course). Don't worry too much though, you'll make it through, with the love and support of your family and amazing sisters at school.
With Love,
An older you

Dear me (age 20),
     I've only known you for a couple of days, barely even two weeks really. but please keep going. Keep fighting. It has to get better at some point. right?
With love and hope,
Yourself

Maybe nothing will ever work out.
Maybe you will end up being rich.
Maybe you will have 8 kids.
Maybe you will be the president.
Maybe you will grow a garden.
Maybe you will fall in love..
You will never find out if you end it.
Please keep going.
I need to convince myself to keep going too. We can make it.
Its really our decision.