Maybe I'm just gonna chase the wind;

The wind that heisted the happiness from us,
The wind that created the storms,
and prompted waves immense in form.

The wind that desolated every laugh,
The wind that once gave life to something not enough.
And the wind that blew our feelings away.
Maybe it could bring us back on that very first day.

"Everyone is leaving the past, and you want me to stay?" I asked.

I hope you wouldn't feel the same way like I do.

I hope no one will leave you in the mid air while you are falling endlessly on the little things she did for you. I hope you will not doubt all the signals she sent to you. I hope you will not sleep at night overthinking the what ifs that could possibly happen. I hope your dreams will be pure dreams and that fear of losing her in reality won't come hunting you there. I hope you will not take risk if she doesn't have any plans to be in danger, because most likely, you will end up being alone in that danger. I hope her past won't make you feel any envious because you can give her love and all the past just gave her a different bunches of anger and madness and bitterness. Remember, you can give her love more than any other man could.

And while the butterflies in your stomach make creepy sounds while she stares at you, I hope you will not remember my eyes the first time you fell in love with me.

And while you heart flutters  because you make her laugh at the jokes you used to tell me, I hope you will not remember the smile I plastered on my face and how my dimpled cheeks becomes more rounded when you did all the little things to make me fall in love with you.

I hope she will choose you over and over again--the thing that you never did to me.

But if she won't, I hope you wouldn't feel the same way like I do.

One day, you will find yourself standing alone on the same street you were standing with him few months ago and it will hurt less this time. And you will realize that he wasn't even there with you in the first place.

When he left, it was never new to you. There was no such thing such as shredding of tears. There was no kaleidoscope of memories. There was no hopes urging you to pull him back. There was no poem written in your notebooks. There was no entry in your diary. There was no wishful thinking while waiting for the wishing stars. There was no such thing like trying to talk to him and discuss what and where did you go wrong, because you knew from the very beginning, everything was wrong.

And then you dated him. You talked about your recent scores in your quizzes while eating ice cream with him. You celebrated your 19th birthday with him, and it was magical, the nicest feeling you never felt for so long. You had long conversations at night with him that you even dared to each other who sleeps first must treat the other. You have shared about the little things that made your day happy. You both have prayed for true love you thought you both once have. You found yourself motivating him through rousing words and so he does the same way to you.You say every single good night every dozing off moments at 2 or 3 am. And while the rest of your family was in dreams, you were there beneath your blankets giggling at his corny jokes while yawning. Your smiles to each other was in utmost real when you bumped each other on the busy hallways at school. When everyone stares at you both because of your weird chemistry, you could not give a **** care at all. You realize you don't want the whole world, just him in it.

And when he left, right after your 19th birthday, it was never new to you. There was no such thing such as shredding of tears. There was no kaleidoscope of memories. There was no hopes urging you to pull him back. There was no poem written in your notebooks. There was no entry in your diary. There was no wishful thinking while waiting for the wishing stars. There was no such thing like trying to talk to him and discuss what and where did you go wrong, because you knew from the very beginning, everything was wrong.

With no throe in your heart, you accepted everything--the way you used to.

Standing alone,
strangers stared at me.
Confused of what to buy,
my heart is starting to get heavy.

Keep on walking,
as if something is going on.
But my mind wanders,
it is not in its right rhythm or tone.

Until I felt getting exhausted,
for no apparent reason.
I am not certain,
if I should really buy some crayons.

Twenty minutes later,
I have not chosen  anything.
Thirty minutes later,
I did not see any shadows of you coming.

I ran outside  the mall,
Someone called my nickname.
I stopped for a moment,
but only to feel tame.

Standing alone,
strangers stared at me.
Confused of what to feel,
my eyes burst into tears my baby.

Between what you want and what you need, you always choose to leave me behind.

Nothing's more creepier than a dream becoming real each passing day.

Three am and I woke up gasping for air to breathe while tears streaming down in my chubby cheeks. For the first time, I don't know what is real and what is fake, and what is wrongly perceived by my senses.

As I struggled to convince myself the idea of it that it did not happened, the more I was compelled to believe that it really did. The way I cried in the dream is the way I wailed tonight. Every plot of the dream turns to be more authentic than it ever did. The vivid details of my dream are coming like a kaleidoscope of horror movies I've watched as I continue to growl in agony.

And there is nothing I can do, but to continue watching myself.

Three am and I woke up gasping for air to breathe while tears streaming down in my chubby cheeks. For the first time, I don't know what is real and what is fake, and what is wrongly perceived by my senses.

Reality felt like a little less real.

From then on, I'm becoming less much in reality and I'm becoming more in my dreams. Everything I see around in this world looks faker and faker each breathe that I take.

I was never interested, I realized.

I ran, chased every tick of the clock afraid of not getting there on time, smiled at the person I just met, and answered the grammar exam like it was my quiz in Mathematics. I was even shaking during the typing exam. I was nervous during interview.

But I was never interested.

It feels weird though. The moment I heard about the company, all I thought was to get a resume and send it there. I never did a background check about the company, nor checking the possible salary I will be getting, and even the nationality of the students never came into my mind not until today.

After the HR congratulated me, I realized I don't want to have job nor the idea of getting this job or not.

And it hit me.

All the days I kept coming back in that building, running, smiling, hoping to give a shot, were all meant to be that way. I made those efforts because I should. But not because I wanted to work there.

It was because of the eagerness of emptying one's mind-- my mind. I was athirst of vacating all the thoughts inside my head, but the only way to null it is to fill it with thoughts I am not interested with.

Hopeless, as you see, unconsciously doing the things I never wanted to do just to forget the whole existence of this misery.

What do I expect? Sadness comes when you think you have almost escaped it. But fleeing is ephemeral. When sadness knocks your brain, you will always let it in, let it **** the hopes inside your head until there is only an ounce left for tomorrow. That is how it always goes.

Sitting on the passenger's seat
While the radio is playing my fave song.
Street light reflects on his glass skin,
Our drive will not be that long.

I tried staring at him for a long time,
But he stares at me back.
I could not help but to giggle,
Making my heart flutter is his knack.

We stop somewhere near the shore,
I could hear the sound of the waves.
I walk in a distance to feel the cold breeze
Then he finally give me what I crave.

Fave song still playing back in my head
He grab my waist, preparing me to dance.
Under this moonlight and playful night sky,
Every stars knew this is my only chance.