I know it hurts now
but hear me out
this year will heal your wounds
your scars will be flower beds
your pain I will be sunshowers
and you will be writing love pieces
by the time winter comes again

I know it hurts now
but hear me out
I promise it won't when you're with her
as she holds your scars like your favorite jar
picking up the pieces you left after dropping it
because you were too tired to pick them up yourself

I know it hurts now
but hear me out,
I promise it won't when you let her in

promise me you will let her sow her seeds
in your garden you let weeds take control of
last summer when you died inside your bed

promise me you will water her roses
and hold her hand when she plants
lilacs over pieces of land you didn't know could host life

promise me you will let her love you
because you need it more than you show
promise me you will love her back
and that together you will grow

I put myself in debt
taking classes to learn how to
fix the world's problems
and when I got tired
I tried fixing smaller ones
like broken tables and
broken homes
I paid off loans
to take more lessons
on how to make the world
hurt less
but I did not learn
how to clean up my mess
I tried to learn my pain away
and put all my energy into
saving populations in far places
but never mended my own heart
there isn't a class for that

my friend told me once
the hardest thing to fix
was a broken heart
and he was right
i have 6 degrees
in subjects i loathe
but the thing i loved
i know not where to start

I want to see the west coast
feel ***** SanFran sidewalks on my feet
and redwood forest air inside me
I want to glide the coastline
and drink expensive smoothies
fall a few times surfing
and laugh until I'm hurting
I want to see the west coast
and forget about my worries
I know it sounds redundant
but California calls me
I want to see the redwoods
and look up and feel small
I want to know the desert
and meet a blonde haired boy
I crave the west coast breeze
the sand between my toes
there is something out there I am missing
what it is yet, I do not know

I remember how it felt shutting down
not like when you turn off the lights
and leave a vanilla candle burning
as you read yourself to sleep
not like it feels to turn off your phone
and just listen to the waves hug the beach

I remember hitting the floor so hard I still have a bruise
and I remember 567 outgoing phone calls,
to you
I remember you telling me you hated me
that you never loved me back in three years
I remember crashing my car into a tree
going 103 miles per hour, the doctor telling me the impact should have killed me
sometimes I wish it had
I remember you telling me you wished it would have
in that same ten minutes but still not feeling
that same pain in my chest as the steering wheel
broke three of my ribs and the prerecorded message telling me
to leave a message at the beep was the last time I heard your voice

I remember shutting down
and how I could **** a thousand gardens
before I'd have taken enough lives
to have mimicked the feeling when I thought mine was ending
but those flowers would have died
I only shut down
I still live with it
every day and I don't know
how much longer I can take the pain
I remember shutting down a year ago today
but it still hurts enough,
I'm still tired enough to feel like it was yesterday

I ran out of cliches to use in my writing last year when you ran out of patience for my problems,
It was around the same time that we ran out of gas in the car because I got sidetracked again and instead of stopping I just kept driving because the song on the radio made me feel like I could breathe for once, and I planned our whole future when I went out to get milk but you were angry that I forgot the reason I left home, I came back empty handed and I still wonder now why you left me. It doesn’t feel right knowing that a year has passed and nothing that I have planted has grown or even budded, I starved some because I got distracted and others I smothered and they got overwhelmed and crumbled. I watched my lilacs collapse last Spring the same week you abandoned me and I’m sure I should have healed by now but it hit me only last week that I don’t know how. I don’t know if I’ve ever healed, or what it looks like outside of bandages and scars that I could watch turn white so I started reading about these homeopathic remedies for diseases I don’t have and I remember feeling like my body was going to give out every time I saw you in the summer and I blamed it on the heat but I spent most days inside in the AC. I wonder what the remedy is for that feeling because instead I tried to **** it and just felt weak. I would throw up and blame the alcohol and when my doctor asked me if I drank recreationally I told her no because there was nothing fun about blacking out to forget you and me. Last Valentine's day we had a bottle of wine and it only took me a cup to start crying and I remember you telling me you were disappointed when I didn't want to have *** which should have made me upset but I think what actually did was the fact that three months later I could drink an entire handle of ***** before throwing up and another half before I gave up on trying to kick this feeling that you might come back some day or the thought that I would take you back instantly when you never deserved me.  I know that and still wonder why I feel so empty when I see old pictures of us in our teens.

you used me for ***
and I should be upset
but it's you I laugh at
because you ****** in bed
I faked every time
and I don't feel bad, not a bit
you used me for ***
just wished you'd be better at it