my only dream now
to return to the old preppy garments
and the boisterous hallway
with friendly arms around my neck
breathing the whiff of boisterous energy
to feel the brotherly armor
the friendly kiss of peace
the high jinks

the giggling and throaty beats of husky youths
the naive maturity of free thinkers
filled with optimistic hopes...

Save! what a misery it is to know
to know that my juvenile years
can never return to me.
I pity thyself.
Oh how  quickly time fades!
but memos forever remain.

I was only an invisible spectator.

(3 senryus)

I am enjoying
this dull time - this decayed life
of extinguished hopes

Each sublime sunrise
finds my morning mind childishly
wishing for freedom

If wishes had power
If young tears were a vaccine
If our thoughts mattered

how many times
have you looked for me,
in the middle of the night
when you crave familiarity?
when you need a friend that feels like home.
when you need someone to love you until it hurts.
when you need to feel something,
anything
what is it that you think of?
the sunrise after the party?
hot summer nights?
rolling around in the weeds?
does a supercut play on loop
reminding you
of all the magic we shared?

in the middle of the night
when you crave familiarity,
do you think of me?

is a broken rib—
the same sharp pain,
wooden-lung breathing.
I stand alone in an
ocean of bodies,
mouthless half-faces,
gaping holes beneath
strips of cloth.
Your assumptions
dissolve me only
gradually—
an un-bronchial
consumption,
though still,
I am left gasping.

(each stanza is a Haiku)

We, the resistance,
are here, stationed on our couches
armed with our remotes.

Camouflaged in our
faded PowerPuff pajamas
and fuzzy slippers

We are determined.
Yes, we have evaded contact
and forsaken love.

We few, lay down such
as freedom for honest care
for our fellow man.

(each paragraph of this poem is a Haiku 5–7–5 syllables)

I need to avoid
unimportant distractions
so my parents say

Exhausting yourself
in intimate situations
is dumb at your age

This is a yearly
lecture that I know by heart
- they must think me loose.

Surely you jest...
could you be suggesting a
conjugal visit?

Where do I find the
form needed to apply for that?
Do you have a pen?

Trying to relax
on my high-rise roof
I notice you across the street on
your balcony seemingly aloof
listening to vintage Carly Simon
          "... you say we can keep our love alive"

You stare my way and enthusiastically waive
          "Babe all I know is what I see"

I hesitate, smile and then return the gesture
          "The couples cling and claw"

As if on cue you stand and press against the railing
         "and drown in love's debris"

Still smiling as my heart beats faster
          "... we'll soar like two birds through the clouds"

"What's your name?" you playfully cry out
          "But soon you'll cage me on your shelf"

"Who wants to know?" is my surprising reply
          "I'll never learn to be just me first by myself"

Suddenly flashbacks hijack my thinking
          "... it's time we moved in together
          and raised a family of our own, you and me" 
 
Why is this happening?  Why am I sinking?
          "... that's the way I've always heard it should be
          you want to marry me, we’ll marry"

I hear your beseeching, unintelligible shouts as I retreat
Painful memories open like an oubliette under my feet—
       p
           l
              u
                  n
                      g
                          i
            ­                 n
                                 g

Lost and languishing in isolation's labyrinth





© 2020 by Mark Toney. All rights reserved.

There are whispers

Suffocating rumors

Tomorrow's deep pockets are full of sand

We hold power in our hands like water

No containment

Fear must fall in drops and settle into streams

Drink it up

Feel it in your thirst

Feel it tighten 'round your throat