I'm fermenting in
isolation.
Covid 19 for the third
time this year.
After a skyrocket of a
writing streak,
I've had a two month
dry spell.
I'm sure the dope and
***** didn't help.

Hell smells like
loneliness and
white paper.
It tastes like
sulfur and burnt toast.
I see ghosts around
every corner, and they
sound like bats,
screeching at the
black night.

I'm in treatment,
and I will spend five
days in my room.
They will bring my
meds and meals.
They also gave me
a tablet and said,
I can watch all the
Net Flix that I want.

****!
To write or to watch
the idiot box.
That is the dilemma.
I sure hope that
this
febrile state that I am
in produces some
good writing material.
Pun intended

I am half a world away,
With a broken heart
Time travelling through the days,
Crying for the normality
That set us on this path in the first place.

In the past,
You tell me of your plans,
For the day I’ve already lived through
And I ache
To live it over again by your side..

How do I pull myself out
Of this mess I’m in?
Counting down the days
To the future when we share
The same timeline,
And even though
That horizon is the closest it’s been
It feels like a million lifetimes away.

How did we do this before?
Distance tearing me apart
Alone in the future,
Staring at white wall
That cannot be home
Until you share them with me.

I have loved you for so many years,
It’s all I really know,
The only way I can breathe,
Is focusing in the journey to bring you
Here with me.

I need to be brave now.
More so than I have ever been,
And my dear I am trying.
But it’s so hard to move forward
When I want to keep looking back
And wait for you.

But forward I’ll walk
Making the preparations I can
So when you fly through time
You reach the future worth travelling for.

In the past, right now and the future too
One constant remains true,
I have, I will, i do,
I love you.
***

One day
I might find the words for how I feel
And as they pour out of me
There will be no way to stop the flood.
I’ve tried so hard, for so long
To hold myself together
And now I fear the damage that may have done

A little bit of rain is mostly harmless
But crashing waves can destroy everything in their wake
And I know the pain and fear I feel is violent
I don’t want to lash out and hurt anyone by mistake

I know that things are rarely ever easy
When a war rages in your brain everyday
But the guilt of struggling
When your dreams are manifesting
Is such a heavy burden when your soul is torn this way

I have always struggled with the big stuff
I feel so much, so often, it can be hard to breathe
But I’m drowning in my own ******* emotions
And I fear I’m now way too far out at sea.

I know this drifting is but temporary,
And I know I have to keep on trying to swim
Because the shore is far closer than it seems
And the tide will turn in a way that cam bring me in
But I feel my strength is fading
And the night is drawing in so fast.
I was never meant to be in this world alone
I carry too many scars upon my heart

I won’t give up today, if ever.
I owe you all at least that much.
I beg forgiveness for my self indulgent ramblings.
I beg forgiveness from myself for what I’ve done.

For now I’ll keep treading water
I’ll trust that I can bring myself back from the deep
And I’m grateful everyday that you are out there.
So that I can write this heartache and not just weep.

With love to you
From the deep.

Can’t you see me crying?
Flames gnawing at my skin?
Can’t you hear my belting cries
Deep from the underbelly,
From the darkest depths within?

How much longer must you hide from
That which you’re not willing to address?
You put on a mask in your own home,
You cannot see what is amiss.
Must I spell it out for you?
Must I make it painfully clear that I am suffering?
Baffled by the change in behaviour,
You point the finger at me and say
I am to blame!
Is there no introspection on your part?
No patience when asking questions?
No curiosity when seeing my pain?
No time. No time at all.
No proof to hold,
My struggle must be in vain.

Nothing.
I get nothing from you.
No warmth.
Nothing. Nothing at all.
So cold, cruel, callous.
I cry I cry
I make puddles, pools,
Still you won’t believe me.