I want you to bring me to all of the beautiful places in the world,
And I know its selfish but I want you to be looking at me, not the view,
I just want to feel loved and warm inside,
And I want to be sure that you wont move on and find someone new

I’ve been trying to convince myself that this isn’t the end
but as I pour my heart into this text I can’t bring myself to hit send,
the suffering of unsaid words shivers in my spine
and I’m left to lay in my bed and think of simpler times
when I could safely say you were mine and we were happy.
I wanted us to be happy but we were both struggling and still are,
in the same ways but differently.
It’s difficult to comprehend but
we both fight just to get out of bed and I can’t help but wonder
if we shared one instead of FaceTimed when we fell asleep,
it’d somehow be easier.
Or maybe we’d still be in this place,
only afraid to leave the house in fear we’d see each other’s face.
Instead I hear your name called when you’re nowhere to be seen
and am left with the reminders of what could have been.
You say I’m still yours and only need time to get your life in line
so I can safely call you mine
but there is no safety in silence when there are words left unsaid.
I wish I could reach through my speaker when you call
and say you’re feeling low, rip the weights from your chest
so we can let our worries go but I can’t and I’d still suffer.
Silently.
Secretly.
I keep saying this is fine but the words come out a lie
as I lay in my unwashed sheets and cry until I can’t breathe.
They burn my throat as I smoke another cigarette thinking
maybe if I smoke another something else can take my breath away
but when I fell for you
I found myself struggling to get the air into my tired lungs.
I already struggled to breathe from the bad habits and lack of sleep
but you changed the feeling in such a way
I convinced myself I was happy.
And you made me happy.
Blissful, content, I wanted to hold you
and realized life doesn’t have to end on a bad note,
but it came crashing back when the sun went down
and you started saying less when we’d call.
I know you never meant to hurt me,
it’s just the stresses from your head pounding relentlessly
until it bruised your heart too,
making it weary and unready for the love I tried to give.
I know I gave too much and there were limitations I tried to ignore
because I am the fool I am and still believe love is enough
but reality has finally set in that there are things we can’t control
that can make it so impossible to love from this far.
I want to better myself and my spending habits
so I can finally sleep in your bed,
but wants are different from possibilities and
until I know what’s going on
when I suddenly lose my sense of direction
and all hope of tomorrow
I don’t want you to have to try pulling me back into reality
when you aren’t so sure of what it is yourself.
So when you fall asleep tonight know you’re on my mind, too,
and I could never bring myself to hate you.
Know I hate the places we’re in and
the emptiness we feel even when others try
so desperately to fill those voids,
and the fact that love truly can’t stop it from devouring our minds.
I love you endlessly and I will never give up on that thought,
as you have shown me what I deserve,
and it’s not that it isn’t enough,
it’s just too far out of reach for me to accept.
You are the reason I get out of bed when I finally do
because despite the circumstances
I still want to believe that this isn’t the end.
That things could turn around tomorrow
and we will be happy
and not so scared
of giving each other
everything
without worry of our hearts
and our heads.

the wet sheets and stale air,
lingering cigarettes, softness of your
rhythmic breath.
your legs in mine, your heels
on my toes, your head nestled in
the contours of my neck.

here is my place of calm:
your body. the clockwork of it,
how, every couple of minutes, you jostle,
and i squeeze you which sends you back still.
how dead the world is
outside of here. the stars are muted next to you.

it’s your unapologetic zealousness,
flaming confidence. you could be naked on a stage
(which you have) and not blink twice.
blatant disregard of opinion,
drop-kicking them away. the world is yours
and you are eating it whole.

you are brighter than this town.
destined for bigger and better things.
flashing your white smile,
you could charm the gods to your will.
i only hope i can keep up, or, rather,
that you let me.

When I say
I wish I was beautiful,
I mean I wish I could
sculpt myself into the same loveliness
borne in the eyes of Marble Goddesses
In Ancient Greece,
I know I would have been pretty
you know;
curls a liberated wreath atop my head,
a nose as grand as Mount Olympus,
body as curvaceous as the summits
of Mediterranean waves.

I mean I wish I could
steal Orion's Belt  from the sky
and wear it around my waist
to cinch away all the extra room
I know I take up,
cuz there's no gravity
in outer space--
it's impossible to feel fat
in outer space.

I mean I wish I could
be as cliche as a rose,
because,
despite being starkly unoriginal,
everyone loves roses the same way
everyone loves photoshop sleekness
and Tumblr physique.

I mean I wish I was
lucid dreams / leather journals / dewdrops on leaves / fairy lights / eyelashes on pillowcases / moon-gazing /  listenin' to Bohemian Rhapsody for the first time / standing ovations / the butterflies in your fingertips / frost congealed on tree branches / lightning storms / Disneyland fireworks / soft bed sheets / champagne kisses / polaroid photographs /  whales howling at sea / midnight inspirations / double rainbows / bed time stories / the skyline at golden hour / foggy 7 AM’s / snow under streetlights / the colour purple / when I say I wish I was beautiful I mean I wish I was
a poem.

Last night we talked
About legends of old,
About space and our future,
And whatever it holds.

You knew exactly
What you wanted to do,
And I was scared to death
It wouldn't come true.

I'll admit I got nervous
about you and me,
our future is uncertain
and I wanted to flee

But you held me tight
My soul you secured
After a hug and some words
I was suddenly sure

Yes, the future is scary
I don't know what will unfold
But we'll face it together
Whatever it holds.