i tried to prove my worth to you, show you i was a good choice, a good mate
i took care of you when you were sick, when you had a bad case of the flu
i pulled my weight, cleaning the house, doing laundry, grocery shopping
i provided, making sure you never wanted for essentials, little luxuries
i protected, getting into a fight, when a guy harassed you
i did all these things to show you i cared and loved you, but it wasn’t enough
it’s been a year, i still find myself, missing, hating, loving you
my heart was broken, it’s slowly mending, still painful to certain memories
i am angry, you let me live in hope, in bliss, you knew you were leaving, that you were going to break my heart, destroy my world, my life, my soul
of all the women that i have loved, met, you are the one i wish i hadn’t
your actions shouted louder than words ever could, but i was deaf
you made other plans, building a new life, in another land, rekindling an old flame
like the phoenix, you destroyed everything in our lives, so you could rise, to love another
i am still in shock, still grieving, slowly recovering
you are no longer mine to nurture, love, take care of
like a passing training, no longer visible, i can still hear it’s whistle
my love has faded, but you left a mark, on my heart, that will never disappear

I always thought
that the worst betrayal
was a thing called infidelity.

But oh how wrong was I.

And I cant help myself from thinking,
If only he had cheated.
Cause it would make the "I don't love you" sting hard
And then maybe I'd be able to feel anything at all.

With numbness, there is no healing.
For the wound that doesn't know it exists can never mend what is broken.

I don't know much about you,
Handsome stranger,
And I shouldn't want to know you at all.

I love my lover, dear stranger.
You harbor no thought of me. And if such lust blooms,
I'm forced to wilt in guilt.

Adieu.

Sweetie,

I'm sorry that I keep staring at the other boys.
And keep thinking of the other girls,

But if I'm being honest,

If you ever left me
Love would be a forgotten feeling
That I never want to reclaim.

I may crave the skin of others,
But my beating heart is in your hands.

Unfulfilled and filling
I am a bucket with the smallest hole.
A drain half clogged
We are bogged down
boats
wondering why we didn’t
remember
that the water’s shallow here.
And here lies the swallowed
words on the wayside.
The shivering, wavering
night skies.
He who lies
is also he who fixed the smallest hole.
On my inside.

Our anniversary rose

You secretly chose the most beautiful rose

You were so careful to not let me see

You never could guess
I secretly witnessed the love in your eyes as you chose the perfect one

You never could guess
I secretly witnessed the love in your eyes as you sent it to another

My lover and I, we’re super intimate.
I trust him and he trusts me.
I know the password to his phone,
Like I know his face in a crowded a room.

The intricate pattern of a square,
It’s lines firm and final.
The journey of my finger,
Across the coolness of the screen.

I dig my hand inside his coat pocket,
My fingers searching for the feeling that I know so well.
The feeling of cold metal, a chip in the corner,
And a crack in the glass.

I frown as instead my hand comes across a matte phone case,
And the crack in the glass that my finger searches for is instead a smooth screen.
My fingers wrap around the device, still warm from its use,
And my heart stammers as I see that it is not the run down htc that I am holding.

It’s a new phone.

A new and better phone is laying in my hand,
It’s screen blank but its venom lethal.
My fingers scurry to unlock my lover’s iPhone that he had never mentioned,
But there is no square pattern and I am instead faced with numbers that hold no sense.

Why did my lover need a new phone?
Was his old one broken?
Had he grown tired of the cracks or how it’s battery would drain in a matter of minutes?
Or was he simply attracted to a new, shiny phone with it’s bigger screen and fancy case?

Why hadn’t my lover told me about this new phone?
Did he not know the bounds to my love - I could love a different phone,
But I couldn’t love two.
Did he love two phones? Could he not decide which he preferred?
Was this phone a temporary fix or a replacement?

My shaky hands turn the screen of the phone which mocked me so cruelly black,
And I slipped the phone back into it’s hiding place.
My hands don’t then search for the old htc,
Maybe it’s because I might not find it, or maybe it’s because it didn’t matter if I did.