lights flickering
inside of your eyes
your pupils dark
no color within your irises
so much deep emptiness -
and no sight of me
but that's how it always was, right?
you never actually saw me
you can't see any light
when i always tried
to give you mine

How are you?
I'm fine.

Liar.
How?

You just are.
Oh.

It's just when do I get to talk to you?
Why don't we talk everyday anymore?

......
Why won't you answer?
......


How are you?
I'm fine.

Liar. Your pants is on fire.
How?

It just is.
Oh.

It's just when do I get to talk to you?
Why don't we talk everyday anymore?


......
Why won't you answer? Say something, please?!
......


How are you?
I'm fine.

Are you sure?
You already know. I tell you all the time.

........
I'm sorry. I won't tell you what's wrong anymore.

When I was 5
My biggest fear was fire
And my biggest worry was if I had to go inside too early
The outside was an endless ground for games of all sorts
From war to hide and seek
We would play until the sun set
And the streetlights shined bright
My friends lived within seconds
We'd knock on one another's door multiple times
Until we could all come out and play

When I was 10
My biggest fear was a person
Tormenting me, screaming
and striking me until I'd break
I still feared fire but not because of dying
Simply because i knew it might not **** me
My biggest worry was having to wake up
Having to live another day in that house
Such a beautiful outside
The perfect hand-crafted family home
But that shell only hid horrific events within the fractured walls
I had no friends to save my sanity
Rotting from the inside out
A loving, child's heart demented and torn
Tattered and choked until every ounce of trust and happiness leaked out
I tried to go outside again but nature could only help me for so long
Before I returned to the nightmare that was my reality

When I was 15
I feared being alone
My hell had no ending
And my biggest worry was someone noticing the scars
traced along my body
It wouldn't matter if I cut too deep
If blood poured out and pooled beneath me
Both pain and death would solve the problem accordingly
I stayed inside
What was left of my imagination focused on either dying
Or on running far far away
My brain drowned in empty hopelessness
I gave up on the world and lost faith in everything
My savior appeared but not even she could **** the demons plaguing my mind

At 18 I left home
My biggest fear was returning again
My biggest worry was not ever being ok
Because I may had left the origin of evil
But it did not change what was in my head
The demons followed me everywhere
Stalking and striking at any hour
Draining me of hope and energy
Then I met my first love
A beautiful girl with gorgeous sapphire eyes
But she hid a dark soul beneath the beauty and I soon learned the dangers of loving your demons
At first she understood me,
Helped me through my addiction to the knife
But as quickly as she came, she changed into someone I feared
Because I knew I could never leave her
She possessed my heart so tightly within her poisonous grasp
Ripping it clear out of my chest
I feared I would ruin something again and end up alone
And one day she decided that I was no longer enough
That my entire being could not suffice to satisfy her sadistic needs
She drowned my heart for 6 months,
Shattering it completely 2 times
Before deciding to leave
But that love was built on *** and deceit
And though she claimed to love me
The searing pain coursing through my entire body
Was finally enough for me to see that
she did not know how to love

Now that I'm almost 20
My biggest fear is hurting my friends and family
Because I still never know when I could snap
My biggest worries are not making enough
Money for my life
Time for my friends
And love for my family
The universe has sent me a precious gift
Someone who knows love enough to share it with me
And though I'm still broken
Her beautiful heart helps mend my broken soul
With love and understanding
We have conquered over 7 months together
But I know she could still leave
This time the twisted beginning began from me
I broke her heart before I knew she gave it to me
And I know deep down she still resents me
But I deserve it
And she's worth it

Most days I know not who I am
Society labels me a 'girl'
But inside I know that's not me
I'm nothing,
A gender less, label less freak
And **** it hurts so bad
When they misgender me
Though I'm still too afraid to correct them
It's as though they twist a knife through my organs
Whenever they say 'she'
Who knew three letters
Could bring so much pain to me
Though I put the blade away, I turned to flames
Burning the nicotine into my lungs
Still begging not to wake up
Still thinking of death every day
Sometimes locking it out
And others inviting it in willingly
I guess Adulthood really hasn't changed a thing
I work until I can't stand it
But still cannot sleep
The depression burns more intense some days
But unlike everyone else in my life
*It never truly leaves

It's funny, the more I hear
These uncertainties need no more fear
All truths become that solely one
Miserable tears question what I've done
I've only ever seen such wounds at war
Not surprised if I catch your gaze on the door

Abusive* & Apathetic
Bashful & Brash
Careless & Corrosive
Depressive & Destructive
Exaggerative & Egotistical
Forgetful & Fake
Glum & Guilty
Horrible & Hurtful
Insensitive & Intimidating
**** & Judging
****-joy & Kidling
Lazy & Lousy
Menacing & Mean
Nasty & Negative
Opposing & Offensive
Paranoiac & Pathetic
Quarrelsome & Quiet
Reckless & Rude
Stupid & Selfish
Troublesome & torturous
Useless & Un-changeable
Vindictive & Veracious
Who the **** cares anymore...Sick of thinking for this...
X...
Y....
Z.....

One,
Two,
Three,
Four...
...Watch as sorrow filled tears fall upon the floor.

Five,
Six,
Seven,
Eight...
...Days like these you come to hate.

Nine,
Ten,
Eleven,
Twelve...
...It only gets worse the deeper I delve.

Twelve,
Eleven,
Ten,
Nine...
...It only ever feels like im the only one tryin'.

Eight,
Seven,
Six,
Five...
...Guess higher places, I need to strive.

Four.
Three.
Two,
One...
**...Forgive me if all I do is turn and run.

The wind blowing through her hair,
Those red rosey checks and her skin so fair.
He would walk for miles,
Just to see her smile.
But one day she dies,
And he can't help but to hide.
His tears, his fear.
The look in his eyes.
He wallowed and wallowed,
All he could do was cry....
He didn't even get to say

.."goodbye"

I know you think I'm the girl you've been looking for
I'm not you see,
I'm the storm
I'm the girl your mother warns you about
The girl that will ruin your life
Regret is laced in my blood
Heart break is tangled in the tips of my slitting hair
They name hurricanes after girls like me because they know all the disaster I leave
I'm the lion, never the lamb
My teeth are snarling and when they find nice boys to bite on they don't know how to let go until something has been ripped to pieces
I've tried to learn to be soft but you see I was born the storm
I'm the drug you don't want I'm the poison you really don't need
My snake bite heart ejects venom with my kiss then soon enough my boiled blood will be all over your best pair of Sunday shoes
I've never been a drizzle no matter how hard I try because I'm a ******* thunder rolling lighting cracking storm
I cannot calm the waves in my soul
Or the bombs in my words
I cannot shut of the earthquake that is me, it's been shaking my world since I was 5
I cannot love you right
Some girls are the beach but I'm a forest fire, come any closer and I will burn you alive
I know I'm beautiful in a tragic way
I know you think I'm the girl you've been looking for
I'm sorry
I cannot love you
I am the storm

Your eyes - they can't look at me right now, so I can't see their beautiful blue
But they belong to you
So I love them
Your smile - it doesn't light up your face today
But close my eyes and see it anyway
So I love it
Your lips - although they speak quiet and cannot kiss
Are my only escape and my bliss
And I pretend I can feel them
And I'm happy
Your fingers - although hesitant to hold me
Are warm and strong, completely wholly
Yours, and though they can't be mine right now
I love them, laying in your lap

To keep from collapse, I can always imagine you happy