Like a dispirited spectator watch his  
favorite team, in a long losing streak;
He sits quietly, on
the cold wooden floor,  
  staring at the ceiling,  
with a belly full of shame,
guilt, and pain.   His mind is
running fast and furious, with
******* life questions. He is
on hells wheels, with no
destination, in sight.

  How do I go from here?
  The void of hopelessness.    
What went wrong?
Why, why, why me?
  A whirlwind of;
  Incurable disease,
  lack, dark secrets,
  death of a love one,
  rejection, unpaid bills,
  divorce, loneliness, ...  
  O' the night season, is long
  How I yearn for the crisp mornings;
  Peace, life, and wholeness    
Earthmaker, please bath my heart with
life and free my soul, from the snare
of the fowler.

The best dreams take us to the most far away places,
where the ocean swells, or the desert winds howl,
the sun gleams across the rippling oasis,
or the air thrums with the hoot of an owl.
The best dreams take us to the most far away places.

We search, in circles, for the place in our dreams,
the place where we dance on the stars--
And we search until we scream,
Ending up in small town bars,
Because we can't find the far away place in our dreams.

No place of golden clouds and glory,
Of distant shores, and ringing songs,
No place of an endless happy story,
Where all of us belongs.
There is no place of or dreams--

But here.
We are not in that distant land,
We are hear, on this Earth, with all of the fear,
And we must learn to smile, and stretch out our hand,
Until our dreams stop searching for that far away land.

We must make our own far away land.

One taste and bang pounds the hammer
Sitting patiently seething with bedside manner...

Staring at the fix in my hands
I've been lost in a wonderful fantasy
It was never the plan but I developed schemes
I'm fighting the disease that wants me to drown
Plotting my escape when not a soul is around
Hoping never to be found again

With one decision I could let go
Mixing a cocktail of saliva and bliss
For one last show
Dancing in a wonderland wrought by disgrace
Leaving no trace after the chase
I'll finally close my eyes
As death's scythe sings me lullabies
The nightmare defaced

All the lies wrapping around my throat
The waste choking me, wishing to leave my lungs
Then I die
But life's mysteries just so happened by

The moment of decision
Fades to remission

Whispers it's leave on the breeze again
To return in a moment's time

Alone again in this sad place
I settle at a derelict corner table
Where the loathsome light descends
And caresses this disembodied soul
This is my perching place
Where the invented me seeks absolution
Alms filled with gratuitous niceties
That are later exhumed after discovery
Night after night
I enter this place
Slightly different from the prior
But still the same, and then:
I hear that hideous laughter as I turn my back
And make my way towards the door
A million miles away

Typing on a keyboard blindly imagining a new font
The scant canvas before me is intimidating
I relish the world I'm renovating
A new dawn gleaming it's way to my thoughts steady stream
Enchanting my mind like Aurora Borealis beams
It seems as though a victim was made by tracing lines through sand
Can it all be saved? Or is it a depraved, hopeless, sinking land?
Despondent while reciting lines my mind has bought
Simultaneously causing my blood cells to rot
Wishing for one blaze or spark of true inspiration

Pick up your tools and fix all you have wrought craven
Save it, reclaim it because no matter the end of this mess
You promised to light your candles entrenched in your best

The ****** of what my heart beats to in trance
Save one last Gypsy's moon dance for me
The once intoxicating chills now feel so *******
This wine drenched life is my last chance


Dear Sunshine:
There was a time when I wished that you would go away
Leave me to the hallow I burrowed myself in to keep me warm

Dear Starlight:
You left me with an eternal plight asking for your radiance to stay
When I feel the burn of your kiss catch the last flight

Dear Home:
Fallacy's throne upon which I sit left me conducive with fright
Until I learned how to fabricate sails out of wind and stones

Dear Family:
Can all of you see that even though I wayward roam
Snow leopards must protect ALL of those who are in need

Dear Friends:
I wish it didn't have to end, Sighing away the sown seeds
You live on by the ink on my skin as well as your mark that mends

Dear You:
Though I can't walk in your shoes, I'll trace the bends
...
and wind back around to lend you my heart in lieu

Dear Me:
All ahead that you perceive is binding together and tearing in two
...So tangible then are all the mad ramblings infinite
Said all the ephemeral wise men clearly.

i am nothing more
than the atoms that make up my body
the sadness that has washed over me
is like a flood that never goes away
and most days
i feel like a toy
broken and malfunctioning
from being used at the wrong times
by the wrong people
i would rip
every aspect of my being apart
if it meant getting rid of this feeling
my body has been sentenced to
what do you do
when you look in the mirror
and hear your insides weep
at what is looking back at them?
what do you do
when you've drawn a black cloud
above your head
with permanent marker?
i pour my heart into a glass vase
and give it to you
while you stare at me
with shaking hands
how endlessly ******* stupid am i for that?
i never expected you to fix me
but i never expected you to
break me even worse either
my worth is close to nothing
and i feel about as useful
as a broken record
im just a crack in the concrete
and youre a perfectly paved
road

-m.v.

Your memories have become the smoke,
that causes irritation in my eyes.

So little left of what was the real me
The lies and pain chip away my heart
I long for something real and forever
To be loved and wanted not torn apart
True permanence in love seems a myth
But I've always believed in fantasy
Disenchantment is never a thought
Here I remain cocooned in my misery.

To most I seem so strong ~ but I cry myself to sleep every night

Last night, after everyone was safely tucked into bed, alone in the quiet darkness, I cried from the overwhelming feelings of what I can only describe as hopelessness.

Not the "oh, that's so sad I could cry" kind of hopelessness...it was open the floodgates the dam has broken SOBBING...tears pouring out of me, nose running, eyes swollen and bloodshot. And once it started it did not stop for hours.  

Today in addition to the swollen and bloodshot eyes I have had a nauseating headache from all the crying last night and I feel drained and empty.  

Today I feel angry for the 6 month old left in an apartment to die.

Today I feel terribly sad for that little girl who did nothing wrong but was beaten and ***** and broken.

Today I feel so much rage for that angry teenager who will not allow her to reach out or feel any sort of comfort.

Today I feel despondent for the girl who has continued to hurt herself and repeat what was done to her because she cannot find another way.

Today I feel rage for the girl who cannot live in her body because it doesn't feel right or safe.

Today I feel sad for the woman who is overwhelmed with feelings of shame and unable to express her feelings because she cannot trust.

Today I feel sorry for the woman who tried to outrun the pain, the memories, the shame because she couldn't.

Today I feel sorrow for the woman who continues to feel tormented by her past to the point of hopelessness....and I feel angry because she can't escape her own prison of fear and she cannot allow anyone else in to help.

I don't feel well tonight...I am freezing cold, my head is throbbing and it continues to make me nauseous.  I am not doing well...and I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the unresolved health issues.  I cannot have another night like last night...it was bad.  

I know..wwwaaaahhhh!  Break out the violins!  Get a Grip Girl! Ain't no one going to do it for you, or even co-pilot!