Ive come to realize that I cant cry. I....am simply numb. My face expressionless to the untrained eye....

I question what Im doing here. When will this cloud go away. I feel so....empty. My thoughts silent to the untrained ear...

I find myself saying almost absolutely nothing....No sound. Words come out, but have no meaning. My cry, silent.

I have no meaning......

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed
The nighttime fear stayed with me,
When I should have only dreamt,
I played the victim again though the feelings are hard to mend,
I’m seeing red in my face again

You were right when I said that you were wrong,
You always carried me, to a place like a different song
You were right to be upset, you were right to feel wronged,
You were right when hope was gone.

You said you could take on the world,
You said my needs were yours to be heard,
You cried in your mourning, you cried out it’s pure,
You cried out he loves me I’m sure.

These are the visions in my head,
Someone holding you late at night when it should be me instead,
I pushed you away, trying to pull you close,
How my demons soon became my ghosts

He held you so sweetly I was sure,
He kissed you like you wanted and always gave you more,
We should have just been friends, we wouldn’t have to worry then,
But now my vision shakes to the core,

We built our house so bittersweet.
A new fresh start right before we leap,
It was scary for you, it was familiar to me,
I’m no stranger to nights with little sleep.

As you walk away I’ll sing this song,
Not to you but for me, to see how I play along,
I wanted to help you through this,
We couldn’t trust what we would say,
Always afraid of the next day.

There again he’s there unlike me,
Supportive with no baggage, that I placed at your feet,
If you need a day. If you need a month.
If you need a lifetime you know I’ll always hum
About a girl I knew. About a girl I miss, about a girl who saw me as viscous.

I don’t want to hurt you anymore,
I don’t want to keep banging my head, straight across the floor,
You need something maybe I don’t have
You need someone who’ll give you a chance.

I’ve been so selfish in my mind.
Always worried people were committed like a crime,
I can’t see the truth, I don’t know if there is a lie,
Except when I once said goodbye,

I can’t fix this problem I have.
The doctors and the medicine didn’t always last,
I’m a hate crime to myself, I may never walk in line
But at least I see myself this time.

My imagination is my worst friend,
The panic of grief, over and over again
I didn’t want to lose you, no I didn’t want to waste your time,
But the burden of guilt is mine

I shouldn’t make you feel this way,
Breaking things and making things are harder if we stay,
I don’t want to try to sway you, I don’t want to confuse your thoughts
Because I know how it is when they get lost

And the vision of death comes again.
Replaying the scenario, my familiar trend,
I can never be safe I’ll never sing a song.
Without sorrow from times that are now  long gone.

very irritable
people ******* ****
i only have 2 friends that i can really put my faith in
i hate where i live because i feel like an outsider
if it werent for my band id be long gone from here
ive been stuck in my room for as long as i can remember
doing anything but moving forward with my life
and it feels good to get away from all the ******* around me
but because ive been hiding so long from all my friends and family
they don't know the mental adventures ive put myself through
and the person ive become because of it
and ive let others tell me who i am for so long that ive forgotten who i really am
and i know im a good person but i cant just sit here and let others take advantage of me
and everytime i lash out in a fit of rage i feel like I lose a little bit of who i am
or once was
or maybe that's just who i am
an angry and sad person
dealing with my own struggles i place upon myself
and im constantly ******* myself because i know i can be better and do things right
but i take the easy way out and ignore everything that stands in my way
because im tired of trying and getting nothing out of it
and im especially tired of trying to expect the best out of people when that never happens
so im settling on expecting the worst out of everybody
since thats what tends to happen most of the time
it makes sense
it makes sense to me at least
but when people ask me why i act the way i do i just tell them that's just how i am
because it's easier to attach myself to my problems than explain why they're there in the first place
because nobody really actually cares about the problems, they're all just curious
but when im told "hey man how are you doing" im obliged to say "fine" but really things arent ok
not im my mind
but i tell them things are ok just to make people have a sense that there aren't any problems
and if I were to actually bring up anything thats really on my mind
im just met with pseudotherapists and people with solutions who have words of encouragement and goodness
but all i hear is that im wrong
and im used to being wrong
and i try to explain myself to these curious people just to realize that i've already forgotten everything
i dont know why i'm like this
i dont know why these problems are here
im convinced that i dont even have any real problems
and that i've just tricked myself into being angry and upset constantly for no reason
and that just ****** me off even more
I dont know what's wrong with me and i feel helpless and worthless
but thank god for my 2 friends who accept me and endure the hell i think i put them through
i know im an insufferable person on the inside
but ive just gotten real good at filtering the negativity that comes out of my mouth
thinking that none of it matters
because it doesnt matter
none of my problems matter because confronting them goes nowhere but straight down to rock bottom
and i couldnt bear to invite my friends on for the ride
they mean too much to me
sometimes i think that i care about things too much and maybe thats my problem
but then i think that if i really did care about things too much
then id actually make a positive change for the things i care about
and instead i sit here and mope and complain about things out of my control
just to realize that i shouldnt care in the first place
and it all comes full circle
i shouldn't care at all in the first place
i shouldn't care about anything since nothing except for my 2 friends cares about me
im glad i have apathy and rage standing beside me at all times because when i come crashing down
at least i know what will be there to back me up
and once my body makes contact with the cold hard ground
i will have nothing left
and that in itself is a liberating feeling
to know that i have no more responsibility and nothing left to care about
there will be nothing that can turn around and completely subvert my expectations
nobody to make me feel hopeless
but im never gonna reach that point
ill never get that far because ive never gotten far in the first place
i should just stop caring entirely
and ill still be here in my room not caring
not doing a single ******* thing that benefits me
i dont know where i am anymore
lost in my mind
completely lost

Looking at a future that seems so grey
It's like all the colors have gone away
With emotion locked in an airtight chest,
So what remains is void, in quiet unrest
With tears to be occasional company,
Rampant thoughts form a soundless symphony.
Staring into space, people come and go-
The world is fast, yet in some ways, so slow.
There is no end to this chaos in sight,
The line further blurred between wrong and right.
Does it matter that these words are read?
Perhaps they should be hopeful instead
Pretending that everything will be fine
A noose of lies tightening with each headline.
Thus one plays the elusive waiting game,
Knowing that nothing will ever be the same.

Welcome to the worse
ending of our human universe,
cause this is the lamest
apocalypse.

While the world is dealing with
a covid pandemic
and corruption that is so systemic
that our president can’t even begin
to hide it,

I am keeping busy by
trying to write
brilliant rays
of inspiration into
this endless night life;
Tired of the long line
of the long blind
stumbling stupidly
far behind,
unable to find a sound mind
among their cult of greed.

My deep dark cynicism
has been building
brand new chasms
that collapse into
whispering despair voids
which need to be exercised regularly,
but all of the gyms are closed.

I know there are truths and perspectives
that sparkle under the surface,
of this world that makes me feel worthless,
things seldom seen unless the poet deems
to share their deep dark beautiful dreams.

But those were the poems I wrote
to warn of the wolves at our throat,
and now I see my lines of predictive poetry
have becomes our pathetic armageddon reality.

I'm out of time;
My clock has worn down
And my head has crumbled,
Beneath my thorn crown
And to all my fears;
Which I have succumb
And my strength has withered
My darkness has won;
As I am no hero
No death do I fear;
For no one will mourn,
That I am not here.

I'm glowing with insecurities and inpurities.
My depression slows the time of my processings and duties as a clean window.
I have smudges and dirt spots in the miles!
I clean and I clean, but the ***** returns.
I can't erase them,
I'm covered in worms!
King of dirt and infamous germs.
I want to slide out,
I squirm and I squirm.
My terms in return are to accept and watch myself burn.