it was her birthday today
i wished her that too in midnight
I stayed up late just to wish her
she took her time but she replied “thank you”

tried to speak to her
her replies without soul
like forcing a new born to speak French

I had drawn a gift card and bouquet of flowers
intended to give her these but after the convo decided not to
wildflowers which I picked with my own hands
she is probably accepting some rare exotics

it’s cold and am deprived of sleep
the smell of flowers fill the room-reminding unrequited love
the gift card is up in flames bringing me warmth
I would’ve want her to have these
even if I froze to death afterwards, I only cared about her warmth

love and life both have lost meaning
all the things I thought about her
are evaporating faster than alcohol

I am poor to date her
rich enough to write about her

:) : this was her last message

I'm sorry, mum
That you went through all that pain
To bring me into life
For me to just waste away
And wish I wasn't alive

We don't even talk anymore                                                          ­                                                                             ­                                                  
No goodbye kisses at the door                                                             ­                                               
  I've got my life & you have yours                                                            ­                                                
                                                                ­                                                  
  We are still together, what for?         
                                                   ­                                                                   
You pretend that you still care                                                             ­       
                                                                ­                                                   
   Your mixed messages aren't fair                                                             ­                                                   
                                                                ­                                                      
I can see through the blank stares                                                           ­                                                                   ­                                          
 You're still here, but you're not there                                                            ­                                         
                       ­                                                                 ­                        
    What the hell have we done to us?                                                                       ­                                             
Broken hearts, broken trust

Depression is a weight you can't  see                                                                        ­                                        
 Invading every fiber of your being                                                                     ­                                        
A black cloud that you carry with you                                                  
                                                                ­                                                        
It affects all that you say & do                                                                       ­                                          
A heavy sigh can never clear                                                                    ­                                                 
The pain & hopelessness of the years                                                                              ­                                                    
It can feel so suffocatingly tight            
                                               ­                                                                   
Just to breathe is a fight for your life                                                                      ­                                                    
 I 've heard people say you can't give in                                                                              ­                                 
But dying is less painful than living                                                         
  An uphill battle that never ends                                                                     ­                                              
Climbing that, you can lose wind                                                                          ­                                                      
  I have never made it to the top myself,                                                                        ­                                                   
So for now, I live in this limbo of hell

I’m closed off and reserved.
But you see past that wall.
I hide behind Indifference;
Begging that it wouldn’t let you through.
I didn’t understand what I was feeling.
I didn’t know what to do.
I bottled it up.
But,
Eventually, you were let through.
What did you want me to do?
I tried to hide yet you found me.
You held my hand, you told me it would be okay.
You told me that I was normal.
Why did you lie?
You told me I was feeling something called love.
But I haven’t felt that for someone in years.
So why would I feel it now?
You weren’t special.
Never will be.
You faded into dust. And I couldn’t be more happy.
Because my feelings were wrong. I never loved you, I never will.
But I still have one question.
“What’s love?”