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Joshua Phelps Sep 2023
I was looking for
emotion,

But all I got
was something
broken.

I tried to let
my heart open,

But I had to close it,

Before it got ripped
From my soul.

I mistakened
Vulnerability for love,

Thinking I would find
devotion.

Instead, I found myself
lost again,

Drowning
in the deep blue ocean.

Like a one-night stand,
I knew it wasn’t going
to last forever,

I thought there was
something there,

But I was looking
in the wrong place,
at the wrong time.

And that
was when
I realized,

I was never
going to be

together with you.

A curse, deeply embedded into the DNA..
this is the inevitable fallout  of the love of man--
"Sins, passed down from fathers to the sons.."
even with the best of fathers, and the most tenderest of sons.
As in all things inherent within the confines of a fallen world,
this universal brokenness too must be worked out,
from a deep place within the heart and will of the carrier.
Little mini-carriers do not yet understand,  yet as they grow,
it is in an even more deeply- embedded trait within us
that tells us that we need to rise above
          that which now  quenches..   

               Our own rightful glory--
               the one that is ours to step into
               within the process of Becoming.

  There is always hope.   In the end,
                           death's current rein, loses;
                       Hell-bent on doing all it can
                       to keep us hidden from love,
it stoops so low as to even that of harming a child--
          through the dark-blanket-covering of  
          one's own little spirit..  in to concealment.
Always is there a threat, that if gone unchecked over time,
        that there would become a searing,
            but  also  a threat to one's little spirit,
is the risk of annihilation to their own little autonomy--
were they to crawl back into the womb  in deep  need
for love and protection from what now attempts
       to sear the little-one into complete removal
  from  love's  healing light.

It is the great oppression of the world,  that its inhabitants
have had to so very unfairly learn how to hide from Love--
and yes.. even at such an early age.  The injustice of it all
is overcome  when the struggler learns how to rise above--

             even that which causes most,
                    them to want to (or have to)  hide.

       This very struggle, if left unchecked
       (or becomes greatly multiplied through the horrors
       of childhood trauma)    that sadly,
            some little-ones are unjustly  forced  to endure..
these things can become the roots of what would/could  eventually
evolve into varying grades of schizophrenia
and/or   a whole slew of other mental/emotional disabilities.

Thus is the world, in how it becomes pinned down,
   and separated from Love..

the sad fallout, towards outcome..
for some.

           You (and those you love)
will not become one of these unfortunate ones,
my sweet friend.

            No...  no,  not at all.



Pass me that lovely little gun
My dear, my darling one
The cleaners are coming, one by one
You don’t even want to let them start

They are knocking now upon your door
They measure the room, they know the score
They’re mopping up the butcher’s floor
Of your broken little hearts

O children

Forgive us now for what we’ve done
It started out as a bit of fun
Here, take these before we run away
The keys to the gulag

O children
Lift up your voice, lift up your voice
Children
Rejoice, rejoice

Here comes Frank and poor old Jim
They’re gathering round with all my friends
We’re older now, the light is dim
And you are only just beginning

O children

We have the answer to all your fears
It’s short, it’s simple, it’s crystal clear
It’s round about, it’s somewhere here
Lost amongst our winnings

O children
Lift up your voice, lift up your voice
Children
Rejoice, rejoice

The cleaners have done their job on you
They’re hip to it, man, they’re in the groove
They’ve hosed you down, you’re good as new
They’re lining up to inspect you

O children

Poor old Jim’s white as a ghost
He’s found the answer that was lost
We’re all weeping now, weeping because
There ain’t nothing we can do to protect you

O children
Lift up your voice, lift up your voice
Children
Rejoice, rejoice

Hey little train
We are all jumping on
The train that goes to the Kingdom
We’re happy, Ma, we’re having fun
And the train ain’t even left the station

Hey, little train
Wait for me
I once was blind but now I see
Have you left a seat for me?
Is that such a stretch of the imagination?
Hey little train.. wait for me

I was held in chains but now I’m free
I’m hanging in there, don’t you see
In this process of elimination

Hey little train
We are all jumping on
The train that goes to the Kingdom
We’re happy, Ma, we’re having fun
It’s beyond my wildest expectation

Hey little train
We are all jumping on
The train that goes to the Kingdom
We’re happy, Ma, we’re having fun
And the train ain’t even left the station

https://youtu.be/igMg5fO7Gqc?si=pim380UShrcz5M_d

and when all the noises die down,
silence will come serenading,
resonating you to rest,

let it
console
your soul.

heal through the night.
and live fearlessly
again, through the day.
Joshua Phelps Sep 2023
making my way past
the hurt and the skeleton
remains,

desperately wanting to
let go of this pain.

watching the sun
rise as the ghost
hide in the shadows,

reappear at dusk,
haunting me again.

I know that heartbreak
is just another memory,

and I’m trying not to
give up now.

I want someone to give
me a chance, and finally

break free from this chain,
that I can’t free myself from.
The universe, she needs me.
For transference she is seeking.

Pouring feelings down my throat,
so they can find releasing.

And Im permanently wired
to the frequency shes speaking

Collecting dust from comets,
to carve out my own meaning.

I make light codes out of lessons.
I upload them when I'm dreaming.

Slowly taking all the pain,
and I turn it into healing.

And for every cleanse completed,
she leaves me with a teaching.

And the world's a little wiser,
a little more appealing.

• • •

Then I get another download,
and the cycle keeps repeating.

.
.
.

▪︎ mica light ▪︎
A queen will always turn pain into power.
Joshua Phelps Sep 2023
I hate to admit
That dissociation
Is a friend of mine.

Putting myself on autopilot,
Just so I can survive.

Separating from reality,
Because simply living
Is all I’ve got this time.

I wish you could
See me in the state
That I’m in now

Broken, bruised,
So critical.

It’s absolutely pitiful.

I’m tired of feeling low,
But I keep dragging myself
Down,

Sinking and
Caught in the undertow.

Someone wake
Me from this
Mental charade

Because I’m tired
Of all the games,
And the iron bars that
Keep holding me down.

It’s hard to thrive,
When I can’t figure
Out how to figure
Myself out.

Happy anniversary,
Trauma, guilt and
Doubt.

The past is very
Critical and I
Just want out.

I keep waiting
For an answer, but

I know I’m the only
One who lets myself
Down one more time.

I hate to admit
That dissociation
Is a friend of mine.

And I’m sorry,
If I disconnect
Sometimes.

Please don’t give
Up on me now

I just need someone
To make me feel alive
One last time.
Joshua Phelps Sep 2023
Didn’t use to
hesitate for
a single second,

Jumping to
conclusions,

And headfirst
into all the
evidence.

I never doubted
a word you said,

Even if the words
I said weren’t so
clear.

I never
learned to put

trust
within
myself,

Lived my
life, hiding
in fear of
self.

It’s not an
easy thing to
admit,

And
I know all
the things
I’ve done.

Saying sorry won’t
make it all come undone.
Sometimes apologizing isn't enough. I'm still learning to let go, and realize that not everything can be mended. Sometimes you have to leave it broken, so you can pick up your own pieces.
Joshua Phelps Sep 2023
Like shattered pieces
On the floor,

I lay broken
and pulled apart,

Mirrored reflections,
Beckon patterns of
Being alone.

Like the
Patterns in the static,

Turning into
A bad lullaby,

Let the flames
In this hell
Take me out
So I

Burn out,
Brighter than
The sun.

If this was an
Ending,

I hope I find
My peace tonight.

Because
Fractured pieces
Can't heal

If the deal is
Signed by fate,
sealed, and sent
Away

Just like the
Letters to a
Love lost.
Louise Sep 2023
If little me comes to me
running and asking for help,
I know that I will hold her near
carry her, run faster away from hell
and tell her, "for you I would do anything"
If you're at a place or point in your life wherein you think you hate everythingㅡyou hate yourself, your life, your face, your body... I hope you'll think of the little you. Think about how bright their smiles are, how loud they belt out a laugh. How you are their big sibling, their idol, their hero now. Think about how you'll do anything for them, even loving yourself again.
Esther Sep 2023
i met you when i was 14
and like an addict with their first dose of ******
i had a taste of you, liked it
i grabbed and hooked on to something
way too soon

i met you when i was 14
had my first kiss on a train in the sunset
something so strangely intriguing
it was beyond perfect, felt like home
and i thank you for that

had my first kiss on a train in the sunset
i gave my body to you
i thought that one day i was going to marry you
your fingers and lips traced every inch of my skin
our love was naked and raw

i gave my body to you
you were there in my room
we shared a playlist of stolen lullabies
i could see you up against the closet door with me
i closed my eyes as the moonlight washed me through

you were there in my room
i reached for you and you pushed my hand away
in the darkest crowd of the busy station
i saw you cry for the very first time
as the unforgivable words slipped out of my mouth

i reached for you and you pushed my hand away
we danced under the christmas lights
we never made it 'til the season
the decorations were put up too early
just like us

we danced under the christmas lights
you left me like my soul had left my body
phone call, 19:35
i guess you were relieved
but nobody else would care for me the way you did

you left me like my soul had left my body
i was a **** mess
no food, no shower, no friends, no life
i couldn't leave the couch due to my fear
that even seeing the littlest something would've reminded me of you

i was a **** mess
you had blades running down my skin
we were toxic
our love had both of us walking on a tightrope from the very beginning
i guess you fell off first

you had blades running down my skin
i found myself
you stold my highest passion - taylor swift
we were going to see her show later this year
but i was left with a spare ticket

i found myself
i was getting over you
sleeping, crying, dancing
until the music came back into my life
until i saw the sunrise for the first time in 6 months

i was getting over you
in the end, you were just another poem. i don't want a man who became 11 stanzas. i want a man who's my end game.

@3:39pm
06/10/18
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