My father is haunted
he sits around an empty table
to visions of what never was
his children are dead and ghosts
but in his mind they are there

this is a letter to all of those
who stumbled upon my dull eyes
and poetic words

i apologize to those who participated in
whispered i love you's and dreams shared
for watching from afar as your cared for me
a half of a whole

you held my body, empty
my soul scooped out of myself
like an acorn squash during winter months
nothing left but the skin
and my soul out among the wildflowers
searching for the missing parts of me
searching for my home

i placed my body in your hands
letting you sip the wine that made up me
drizzling you in honey, in sweetness, and in light
for i knew you would protect me
scrawling poetry into the broken bits
the unfiltered bits
you would cause me to feel something on cold winter nights

i am sorry that when my soul stumbled home
bringing home the bits that were missing
that you were left alone
standing in the dark under streetlights
unsure of where you went wrong
broken promises and dreams in your hands
drowning in your own love
suffocating on your sunshine
cursing yourself for loving too hard

i am sorry for hurting you
but thank you for loving me
even when i left you lonely

you cut the ties with silver scissors and burnt the bridge with fictitious fires but you still insist you're the one who fell and scraped your knees with ****** fists on broken glass and sharp white teeth.

things have changed and the past is dead. these bridges you burnt are not meant to mend.

give up. go away. that's it―
the end.


― you're not the victim, you never were

My mind is a mess.

And I am to blame for letting you in.

Words form but they make no sound.
Their shapes bump into one another, just when I'm about to understand.
They change.
They become a part of the rest.
Cluttering up my mind.


You came into my life.

And like a tornado you were brutal and forceful.

Your words sweeter than any other poison.
I let you in despite the feeling in my gut, telling me to run away.
You changed me.
I became someone else.
A person I don't understand.


I saw myself fall apart.

And just like that I was nothing but broken pieces of a person.

Foolishly I let you back whenever you decided to return.
You were the only remedy holding the pieces together, and yet apart.
You continued to disappear.
The lies became longer.
Revealing a truth.
A truth I didn't want to believe.


Now your poison is a part of me.

And with the poison came the addiction with no quick fix.

You were the one who called the shots.
You decided when I would get my sweet poison, the satisfaction that slowly killed.
I no longer am.
I am a ghost of a person whom used to be.
A hollow shadow.
A shadow that follows your twisted love to survive.
A love that was never real.

A love that has left my heart twisted.

If there's a human contact or touch
That's how it will go...

"I am hollow inside
I meet you on the network
I feed you some lies
I force you to swallow
I let you know - we're taking it slow
& when I get bored - I ask you to go
As if nothing happened”

Only if you try to see
It is as simple as it is
You are my temporary distraction
You can't fill in the vacancy
& your greatest flaw, oh Elliot?
It's just that you are beautiful
& I don't know - who I am anymore

"Everyone is an idiot
Everyone is so cool
My dear Elliot, what did you do?
Don't you see, they're all struggling
But they hide it better than you
My beautiful Elliot, what did you do?"

There are so many people
but who wants to talk?
When I'm confused I go on long walks to nowhere, I get lost in alleys
& when the night wraps it's starry
Blanket around me - I cease to feel
What is so beautiful that I cannot see
As if somebody stole all the stars from my eyes and
Replaced them with buttons
you & me - I cannot see

So.

Here I stand,
alone,
a tall, awkward pole in the vast,
echoing desolation that used to be
us.

And I wonder,
Bewildered,
what the **** just happened.

And the answer rings like a bell -
clear in the silence:

I was not enough.