I think the moments I feel most alone are within the first few hours of his departure.
The house filthy scattered with the whirlwind of our being
The smell of him lingering in my bed
The feeling of his lips still on mine
The memory of his laugh bouncing around my mind
Those moments directly after feeling whole
After feeling the intensity of his presence
The silence is almost deafening
The vast emptiness left in his wake rocks me to my core

Silence
I'm so desperate to fill the room with noise
To destroy the silence
Music
TV
Running water
Anything to not feel the crushing weight of it all
Nothing touches it
Nothing cracks
I'm alone

I remember thinking it made you weak to regard someone the way I do him
To be surrounded by people and yet feel alone without him
To desperately count the day until I see him again
The way I pathetically wait on his response to inane questions
Wondering if his soul aches for mine, if he feels the way I do
In the end it doesn't matter if he feels exactly the way I do
I am whole with him

Love always presents with uncertainty, fragility, and a touch of modesty
The knowledge of fleeting love keeps you uncertain
The ending of other relationships reminds you of its fragility
The urge to protect your pride keeps you modest, afraid to boast
This is not love, its more
It is being complete
It is friendship
It is trust
It is us.

Gudron graced many a viking's visions,
like a Helen or a Guenevere.
But no ray of light could be shone
on her four disturbing dreams.

Until one day a wise kinsman called,
a dream interpreter, who told her
that she would outlast four husbands.
His foretelling came to pass.

But she never wed the man she loved.
He set sail. Gudron remained.
Iceland's first christian nun.

If you remember
the good days
and the worst nights
when I told you that
I really love you,
those four words
are true
and I meant it
only for you

I wish yours did too
I wish yours did too

Part 1
Pressed from all sides
'neath a mountain of gifts,
each blessing designed
to create yet more rifts.

Weighed from above
and compressed from all sides;
useless and helpless
and angry besides.

Defending forever;
with no give to take.
Now tired and broken,
just one decision to make.

Keep defending or not;
be compressed or fight.
claw my nose above water
or slip out of sight.

Still searching for reasons
to seek each new day
and continuing on is just
the most familiar way.

It's ever more appealing
to cease and be gone.
So tired of fighting,
of playing the pawn.

I ache for the stillness
I hope could be mine.
Yes, this lone hope is morbid
but it's serving just fine.

If hope springs eternal
there should be more around.
Perhaps they are waiting
within frozen ground.

Part 2
I've realized, I don't really want to die
I just want my world to die around me
the hypocrites circling to seek a cause
to be rid of unsuitable me
the family burdened by growing cost
clutching insurance in case I never succeed
the home I may lose- any time, many ways-
due to spite, envy and greed
the smile that I share, every day everywhere
despite what remains unseen
the pain ever there, never slack, always bare
finding new cause, in everything new, everywhere...
I don't really want to die
I just want my world to die around me
but in the absence of that, there is me
which could leave me similarly free
and that is well worth considering.

Part 3
Though I've realized this
no decision is yet made
I remain adrift

Part 4
Wrung out and still dripping,
these tears still slipping away,
under my skin;
Sallow thin skin.
A weekend lost to agonizing over
what is beyond my control
and always was
because I am still swayed by
those I care for and those I don't.
Shaken by each puff of breath
and screaming gale.
The thought of a mere ten minutes
has me terrified
and just for tonight
I would trade for almost any fight
that would allow me to run away.

the good die first.