What people see on the outside,
Is not a reflection of internal existence
Nor is it an understanding of personal grief,
It is instead a reflection of pestering insistence.
The lies that escaped and drenched you in sincerity,
The shroud of happiness, perfectionism and
Optimism. It was tied so tight, I could scarcely function.
It tricked you into a false sense of security.
It was only when activity increased and diets grew,
The feelings of inadequacy and insecurity got harder to dampen,
It was when the outline of bones would protrude through
My skin.
That’s when the nightmare really started to happen.
But by then it was too late, the damage was done.
My mind had already destroyed my ability to function
Like a normal human being.
The only way to describe it, is to say it feels freeing.
The weight dropped off; the sizes grew smaller.
Along shrunk my appetite, yet the mirror grew hungrier.
One wasn’t enough, two wasn’t either.
Three, four and five past, none satisfying enough to
Quench the hunger that burnt and just grew angrier.
To be thin is my dream, my biggest aspiration.
My goals of careers, family and success do not matter anymore.
To become overcome by it was not my intention, it seems to sneak
Up on you from the deepest corners of your mind. It takes over you,
Like a violent infection.
What I ask of you really isn’t much. I ask you to listen, to try
And understand.
I know it’s hard, but instead of pressuring me into therapy,
Maybe just sit down and listen to me
And what I have to say.
It is demons I battle daily, tearing around in my mind.
The pain is colossal, yet no one seems to notice
From the outside.
I feel desperately alone, and I’m terribly scared.
Yet no one seems to come to me, and show me I am cared
For.
