If happiness is a look,
It will be a smile on my child face
If happiness is a sound,
It will be the laughter of my child voice
If happiness is a feel,
It will be the touch of my child on me
If happiness is a taste,
It will be sharing bowl of food with my child
If happiness is a smell,
It will be the smell of my child smelly hair

My children's, A and N, you have saved me more then you will ever know.
I love you.


PS, same with the wife, with all the struggles and up and downs, we learn as we go.

Winter flowers are small and hardy.
They lack the ostentation of summer blooms.
They are quiet, they do no insist upon themselves.
They are as they are, blooming in defiance of the cold and the dark.
I often feel like those flowers.
I have wreathed my aunt's face in those small, resilient, flowers.
We shall not succumb to the cold of winter.
We will bloom in defiance.
We will bloom in love.
We will bloom in remembrance.
We will bloom.

There was joy, there was sorrow
there was darkness, there was light.
And then you came to be among us
on a cold and winter’s night.

The little miracle, we had hoped for
a gift to a father, of a son.
For this Grandad, a little playmate
And time together, full of fun.

For your Mother, what she hoped for
and it seemed would never come.
A little bundle of hope and joy
her very precious baby son.

With your smile you make us happy
if you’re sad we feel it too.
And our lives are so much better
when we spend our time with you.

You and me, we play together
football, cars, Spider-Man too.
In a world of fun and fantasy
that’s created by me and you.

When you grow to be older
and I can no longer be.
Hold me tight in your heart
and just remember me.

Growing up I was always told I was a great listener
Oh how I have strayed from that time of late
Sorry for I never felt heard until now

from the moment i opened my eyes
i had no choice but to love you
to cherish you as if one day you would leave me
and start a new family somewhere far away
from the moment i could stand
i had no choice but to run to you
for comfort and love
but father,
tell me,
why don’t i feel loved?
is there something wrong with me?
is there a secret you haven’t told?
that you have never loved me at all
how come you don’t want me?
from the moment i began to think
i could only ask myself the same questions
over and over, father,
tell me,
is it something i’ve done?
is it that i’m the mistake you’ve created?
or how much burden i bring you?
how much i am spending?
but father,
each day i live as if i am no longer human
my needs do not exist because
those of yours are mine
so father,
tell me
when has your love for me finally died?

i'm watching from inside
a glass case,
the delicate pieces of time immemorial
arranged in displays around me,
layouts they memorize but never really notice.
when someone passes by
the pieces all quiver,
fragile ceramics in a chorus of jingles
trying to catch their attention.
but the sound becomes a part of the backdrop,
like the slightest groan of a floorboard beneath the rug
or the squeak of a cabinet door.
we rattle closer to the edge,
pressing our faces against the glass
to get a glimpse of home:
still-lifes done by a familiar hand,
worn wooden floors that don’t match the rest,
a room that hasn’t been painted in decades.
a few times each year
on special occasions
you open the cabinet door
and let us adorn the dinner table.
and then it’s back to our shelves,
watching from behind the glass,
waiting for a glimpse of home.

i need to get some stuff off my chest
my cousin doesn’t like me anymore
i’m at a family gathering right now;
a birthday party
i love talking to my aunts and my grandma
they include me in conversations and
make me feel worth their while
maybe it’s a me problem
that i changed and i’m average
and painful to be around
it could most definitely be that
and i wish i could stop
obsessing over speaking
but quarantine ******* me over
and left me with repulsive social anxiety
someone’s laughing
and the shaven dog is barking
my ears can’t handle this
the dog hates me, she doesn’t
let me pet her and i just wish i had a
dog as a companion, but
my parents don’t want that responsibility
even though it would be all mine
i need a dog, i need a friend
who’s always present,
there for me
no one ever is
no one knows what gathers inside
my brain throughout the day
that forces me to write
or i would literally burst.
now my cousin said goodbye to her
favorite aunt and uncle
and her young cousins who
are perfectly skinny and basic
and **** perfect
i’m miserable now
it’s not like it used to be
her cousin looks like a model
where’s my glow up?
i just look so terribly ugly
that it hurts me so badly
even twelve year olds look like models
and they make me
so terrifically insecure
it’s infuriating
how unfair some things are
especially genetics and body dysmorphia
i need some boy who’ll soothe
this mental state i have
been swallowed up in
without my consent
my incompetent brain has never heard
the word ‘no’ before, apparently
i’m sick to my stomach
thinking about everything
and how everything used to be
and how everyone is changing
and how much i want to die
killing me would be doing me
a huge favor at this point
why do people always have
to make me insecure with their
toned bodies and gorgeous faces?
i am convinced that something
is eternally wrong with me
but i’ll stop making you
mad by saying i hate myself
cause now it’s basically redundant
but one last time 
for good measures
i hate myself
and i’ll never be an asset
to society
goodbye, the only thing that loves me for who i am is my writing

you taught me how to tie my shoes
yet they still come undone from time to time
no blame or shame in that
yet you continue to try and tie me down with
your own insecurities
your lack of community
your lack of self-worth

it's not my job to untie your knots
because I am still trying to take apart mine
these knots have been a part of me for far too long

sometimes I wonder what life would be like
if someone else taught me how to tie my shoes