Our love is like titanic,
Upon stormy waters, we hit an iceberg,
and our ship is sinking...
S l o w l y . . .
P a i n f u l l y . . .
and it will all end in тяαgιту,
In Ice-Cold waters,
When our frozen hearts no longer feel,
the warmth of the love before it.

A f a s h i o n i s t a –
it’s not who I am
or I was, at least.
Am not the girly-girl
fond of hearts and flowers,
nor of a stiletto and
of a dress.

On groceries, (I wore)
an old pair of tees and shorts.
On malls,
a plain shirt and maong jeans.
On every day,
a pair of flat footwear.
Just those. Period.
Just until –

A pair of Chinito eyes,
on my direction, came across.
I was enchanted. Captivated.
And I was driven insane.
I. Want. Those. To. Keep.
Looking. At. Me.

So I began –
A dress, I wore.
Hearts and flowers, I was
covered with.
Stilettos, ah! They hurts!
but I slipped them on,
anyway.

A dress–
That white heavy laced
ballgown, in my dreams
I began to behold.
As I walk down the aisle
gracefully and proudly, towards
that pair of Chinito eyes.

That dress (The Dress)
that I never got to wear,
in my reality.
Because those two Chinito eyes,
to another direction,
**T h e y. S h i f t e d.

It's funny how a tower you used so much time and energy on to build
can by a single blow fall to the ground and break again
And you're often left at the top of the ladder, looking down
-helplessly observing the fall you're about to take
Not knowing how to deal with it when you hit the bottom
and desperately looking for reasons to not believe that it is happening to you
You might come to believe you are a bad builder
and you will therefore swear to never build again
In fact you might even get reasonable and safe-looking chances
but then again you might mess up as you always do
because you are after all the worst builder
You might look at other peoples' beautiful creations where many almost reach the stars
then you look back on your building spot which still stands bare and naked
The ladder might even still be lying on the ground from the fall long time ago
But maybe one day you'll get the strength to build again
and maybe the tower won't be that tall
but your bravery will be and that is what counts
Someone will one day walk by your small tower and find it magnificent
And you will be glad you in the end never gave up

I've always been scared of the new beginning that never comes.
The endless thoughts of "Is it time?"
Little Worthless hope.

Time passes dime by dime.
Age grows one by one.
Till time runs out and you think your last thought.
"Is it time?"

Date, February 10th, 2025.
Failed the promise I made myself freshman year.
"Promise me you'll make it till you're 30"

No one to blame but myself.
My journey had ended.
It was my time.

ever been haunted by things not too **** long ago you would have truly , truly
had a hard time believing existed much less, existed in your life and explained some rather terrifying aspects of your young life?

Yeah.. yeah , I am seriously having a **** dance with a haunting that has a rare ability to cause me tobe apprehensive.

Apprehensive, sword not used to subscribe many aspects of my varied and sorted self and rather annoying and perplexing personality.

So, yes. That Fun&ed; up, seriously that fun&ed; up.

And in the end of it, some how became a villain in the eyes of some that believed in me in my youth, in what at one time I thought were just very realistic dreams.

I fun*&img; wish , cause they turn out to be far from dreams far even from the safety of nightmares, for even in nightmares imagined relief in the end of the sleep and a sense of okay in the waking.

Well, that is for children and the weak of heart for where I have found my self to reside is in a broken and ever continuing desolated place where I endlessly punish myself for failings beyond my control and ability to make right in time to be of any good.

Glory, redemption, salvation and forgives .are not evergreens found in a gift shop, not broken and rusty parts left over in a salvage yard and virtually are not the soul saving and wonderful things one hopes to find at the end of ones struggled.  

No , here in this place I am becoming more aware of and a past I am slowly realizing these things seen to be non existent and in fact removed specifically for my utter enjoyment to never find. sadly, removed seemingly by my own hand.  all because I seemed to have failed a person I truly came to.love in that place or state or what ever it can be called. yeah, you can be your worst critique and your worst enemy, more than you ever know. my friends , more than you ever know.

oh lord,where do I go now, how can it be?  and date I ever ask, how could I have failed to help them so utterly miserably that I am now, only now remembering , that horror.?.   how in gods name could that happen and never think things were a normal anything ,, guess I never did, thus this lie of a life and self deprivation and punishment I placed myself in of a sham of a marriage and utter sorrow none could relieve.  and now the memories start and oh soon the pull and reeling to come, oh how I truly wish I had never been so human as to allow electricity to steal my minds memories. the treatment failed but was a success in the fact that now only I get to pay for crimes I never committed but failed to alert to it seems. what? did you think a child could really save all of us , cause we sure did. write ******* did.... and then zap I failed all too late, and goofy eyes .......

The last time you were here my fan was making that annoying clicking sound it always makes.
I stood up on the bed, pushed the fan, and it stopped.
You said, "see, you're an engineer too."
I just smiled as you pushed me and pinned me down to the bed.
Now it's been over a month since I saw you last.
22 days since you last texted me.
I just don't understand what you want from me.
To be honest, you made me believe that you were the one.
The one I'd let it all go to.
I pushed comfort zones,
I tried to be the right girl for you.
I guess I was wrong.
And now every time my fan makes that annoying clicking sound, I think of you, and how you told me I was an engineer too.
Except this time,
it won't stop clicking.

Delete every trace,
Disguise the lingering numb,
Retreat from the race.