Adding honey to my tea and grabbing a stirrer, I see you out of the corner of my eye, baseball cap on, nose buried deep in a book.

Walking on these downtown streets today I thought to myself “I’m happy, and I’m happy without him”


See, the pain of our love crashing and burning doesn’t matter until I see you.


My stomach drops, my veins seize up, I’m stopped dead in my tracks.


I wish I could’ve said hello, I wish I could’ve asked “reading something interesting?”

But this is our reality, pretending we’re strangers and forcing the nights we spent under the moon out, out, out of our heads.


I don’t think I could look you in the eyes, I think it would immediately tug my heart down to my feet


The idea of us being friends is bittersweet like lemon drops, but no one talks about the bitter aftertaste.


I wish you well, I wish you happiness, and I hope you enjoy your cup of coffee with your read.

I cannot tell whether we are friends.
I do not know how you are seeing me.
Friends or more than that.

I check websites like a teenager who fell in love for the first time to seek for any clues to find out your true feelings for me.
Your attitude marks as if you are not interested in me more than just a friend when I look up "signs your crush is not into you" pages.
Your behavior indicates that I am more than just a friend to you when I skim through "signs your crush is also into you" pages.

I hardly think we should date, even if we are both in love with each other.
Because I don't think we are compatible.
Because I am scared of any other rejection.
Because you have been one of my closest friends for years.
Because I am not strong enough to cut out my ex-boyfriend who might be the one for me.

I do not want to lose someone important in my life ever again.
Especially you. You are essential in my life.
But I do not want to miss out any possibility if we could be the best couple on earth.
I know I look sneaky by holding a chance to get back with my ex-boyfriend. But I am not into him at all currently, just he has been also one of the closest friends so I do not want to lef go of him if he is the one for me.
Someone guide me, please. Someone who knows the future, please guide me to the right decision.

As we’re lying down I breath in your scent, the scent of your cologne, your heavy musk.
It fills my lungs with each breath I take, like the way baked goods do when they come fresh out of the oven.
Together we feel each other’s skin.
I trace the outside lines of your soft yet firm muscle until I make my way up to your face; one that resembles mine.
One that has dark spots and whiteheads.
One that makes us so frustrated in our skin but we share that.
So I place my hand on this skin, the skin that resembles mine and caress it like it’s this perfect plum that I’m about to take a bite out of.
My eyes are locked with yours, as if we are looking right through them, right into our skulls.
Trying to read each other’s mind.
Ironically we are both thinking the same thing.
I pull in, you pull in, we pull in and take a deep juicy bite out of each other.
I feel your tongue and you feel mine as we taste the juices we give to each other.
Our hearts, they beat on a time that only loves sets.
A beat that feels so great, so great our hearts connect.
Our lips disconnect and we’re back to laying down.
Trying to catch our breath, we breathe in and breathe out, breathe in and breathe out.
Until the point where I’m breathing what you let out and I’m breathing recycled air.
That same air, the air of your musk or cologne, the air that feels like baked goods, when they come fresh out of the oven.
Our eyes connect back to each other, looking right into our skulls.
But this time we know what we’re thinking.

And we’re thinking “I love you”.

Amanda M Brown copyright ©️ 2019

and just like that
his fingertips know
after two years
they are back home

she is your dearest,
you hold her close, about a seat apart, miles of tension, unspoken words, uncomfortable silence.
she is your beloved,
i wonder how much you think of her, whether you compare her to me, if you’re bored of her.
she is your queen,
you, the knight in shining armour, are never there, she is constantly waiting for your arrival.
she is your sweetheart,
adorable, cute, big eyed, never your type.
she is your happiness,
and you wear her like a medal
simply because you
cannot find it within yourself.

i’m sorry i
broke up with you, i really am. i hope
you still do well for exams- i know it’s bad timing,
and i take responsibility for that,
but this relationship was really toxic
for me,
and i can’t
go forth with this.

****,
i didn’t think this would hurt so bad. it’s okay- this isn’t our first time
at the rodeo.. is that the saying?
i think i should
get back to studying
thanks for giving me my stuff back.
you can keep the teddy bear though

oh, you want answers? well, you kind of took it out on me alot, how do i say. oh. we’re using the word abusive. then you were kind of abusive, and i get that you’re psychotic and whatever but that’s never influenced
this decision
hope you understand.
have a good holiday,
see you in
two months

i’ll admit. in those two months, i did mess around with another girl. you know her. i won’t say who. that’s not the point though. i’m on a ****** vacation of sorts. oh. i’m sorry to hear that. hope you get better. hey, can i definitively say we’re friends?

yeah. it was her. how’d you find out? right, sorry. this school is too **** small. happy birthday, by the way. sorry if the hug earlier this day was awkward- wasn’t expecting to see you there. sorry to hear that. hope it gets better. live your best life, yeah?

everything okay? ah. thanks for the apology. i appreciate it. sorry for the way i handled the breakup. oh. yeah, we’re dating. you don’t have to be happy for me. okay. it’s alright. it gets better. hmm. i get that. i’ve been there before- oh right, i told you this story. i forgot.

well, moving on is just a matter of mindset. i was at my lowest. i made a lot of mistakes. but i kind of just stopped moping about it. decided to turn my life around. learn from my mistakes. just appreciate yourself. baby steps. yeah. see you around.

sunshine lands lightly on her eyelids,
sparks of orange and yellow
glide across her eyes.

image like a kaleidoscope
colorful and interesting, hard to resist.

a child playing in the front yard
on a summer's day
and laughter fills the air.

she is at peace when she feels the grass
under her feet.

a comforting blanket that she once had
ripped to shreds and sewn
back together again;

a flame in the darkness,
a star on Orion's Belt.

all she feels is the heat of serenity in knowing
that it might be okay now
and the sun has started to peak over the horizon,

covering her skin and
giving her the closure she needed.