What if I loved you before?
What if we lived all of our stories out and there’s nothing more?
What if we’re tired of each other to the point where I don’t see you anymore?
Then what, is there anything else to live for?
A new page has turned.
Your eyes are blinded by the bright shine of the clear page.
You’re not scared because you don’t know what your expecting.
You are scared because you’re leveling up.
With each level you move up in life, the more you develop yourself in your new skin.
Eventually, the right time will come.
You’ll look back at how much of the page you’ve covered.
Stories of happiness, hardships, lessons and much more.
When you look forward, you’ll keep putting your best foot forward.
Weeks, days wondering if I can live without him.
Can it be, will I ever get over him?
Thinking back to how it felt when he was ripped from my arms.
The feeling on the back of my head that made my head cold, numb.
The lack of movement in my arms, numb.
The lack of sleep, waking up at 4 a.m. every night.
The fact that I couldn't eat, losing 10 pounds.
I thought this is what happens when you can't live without someone, but in fact, this is all the signs of withdrawal.
You see when you really love someone and they leave.
The world ends.
When you think you love someone and they leave.
You get cut off that high euphoric feeling causing you to fall into withdrawal.
But once you recover, you start to see yourself.
That deserves better and won't settle for anything less.
My thoughts now that I am clean.
Does your heart still flutter every time you think of me?
Do you think of me every time you see a couple holding hands?
Does your stomach drop at the thought of us never being in each other’s lives?
Do you miss me?
Does your mind still race like a track star when you think about how we ended up like this?
Do you want me back?
Processing thoughts and unanswered questions.
As Mercury spun forward, so did we.
We communicated and were happy.
Mercury started to spin backwards.
And so did we.
We started to get angry and stop speaking.
I sat and thought about her.
How do I start over again?
Will she ever come back?
You see the last time I saw her was a year ago.
She had this vibrant smile.
Golden curly hair.
And this confidence that attracted everyone in a room.
But I silenced her for a whole year.
I forgot about her.
Never once looking back.
Not once going back and seeing how she was doing.
Not even thinking about the fact that she might not be there.
I miss her, now more than ever.
Amanda, are you there?
Blocking the hope of a text message.
A chance to even get in my head more.
Closing the sheets in my room so I don’t get a glimpse of you.
Keeping my head down as I walk into the room.
So that my eyes don’t “ironically” find you.
The chills I get when I walk past you.
The foundation of our “relationship”.
The series of actions I went through, throughout my break-up.