Ring toss, you know,
where you try to get a small plastic ring to cling to the top of an empty bottle?
I've won it twice.
Both times, took home the biggest prize.

DUI's. I've had some close calls.
Passed a field sobriety test once,
but maybe she was just being nice.

Dice games;
I've only played three times in my life.
Lost a lot once,
but won big twice.

One day, maybe in two years, I’ll eventually
finally experience the rush
I’ve dreamt of the future
that I so terribly ached
for, that I would undoubtedly  risk
the factors of throwing away used

items that I no longer cherished, used
people only needed to be a stand-in, and eventually
the risk
will not catch up to me, since the rush
of real happiness overshadows the ache
like a penumbra clearing away in the future.

But it’s terrifying knowing that the future
will become a washed up, used
daydream to quiet the ache
I thought would never eventually
stop the overflowing rush
knowing that my biggest dream is entirely a risk.

I am willing to take the risk
so that my deserved  future
will swell over the echoed rush
coffee beans stained  used
cups will eventually
wash away ache.

"There are a lot of crazy-******-up-mind-blowing-things going on between now and eventually"

I want to believe that I'll be happy.
I want to try to enjoy while I can.
There is no cure at all for my problem;
Does that mean I won't feel normal again?
I was taught the rule: ignorance is bliss
And what I know now cannot be unlearned.
My issue lies in my beautiful life
And in the many memories I've earned.
My greatest pain rests in the idea of
One day losing the few people I love.

The months were passing
As my doubts growing
Higher and higher.
I was thinking that
She was just a summer fling,
That we were just mad
At each other,
That we will eventually
Get back together.

Anyway,
My doubts carried on
Until the merry merry day
I saw my grandmother's ring
Around her finger.
And I knew we were pretty much over.


F.Z.**N

I was so scared
of someone getting too close.
I was so scared
of someone getting close enough to break me.

I was so scared
of being broken so badly that I could never be fixed.
I was so scared
that I closed myself off.

                                                                    And I ended up breaking myself.

(a.d)