It was a long day of hating myself for eating
It was a day filled with crying, trying to throw up
Haunched over the toilet after the smoothie
After dinner
After the countless snacks, I had
Each time retreating to the bathroom
Tired of being empty but afraid of being full
When you caught me getting into the french fries
It was going to be my last snack I swear
My stomach was grumbling and just needed something I swear
I was going to dispose of it as soon as I finished
I took as little as I could so you wouldn't notice
I was craving it and craving it
I put them on my plate so many times today just to empty them back into the bag
And sigh and cry because I gained the last pound back from the big gulps of cold water I downed
Makes me wonder if I should have thrown that up too
I didn't want you to know because I was embarrassed
I shouldn't be eating like that
So much
Wasting so much
But I can't stop being hungry
And no matter how hard I try
I can't seem to not hate myself after I do it
I'm sorry I'm trying to fix it
I just don't know how to stop
I'm trying to not eat so I don't waste anything
But it's hard when you're hungry
And you're mouth waters
You just wonder when normal will be enough
When 1,000 calories won't feel like poison coming in and going out
When you're greedy eyes won't take too much, your stomach can't hold
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I don't know if my trying is enough
But I just can't stop hating myself
Today is hard
I think I threw up my anti-depressant too

Dry heaving your sorrows
Past flooded gates of stress
Teary eyes and your runny nose
Won’t make those problems go away
Receive the truth
Speak only lies
Hush your own ****** fluid
Until it can be mistaken for silence
Relapse
A quiet lullaby
Of hungered dreams
That only makes me seem smaller
Problems, so many problems
You have one more to overcome

Knowing I'll be feeling hopeless and could use the direction
the distraction.
What is the use?
I need to feel like I am being significant

But I am significant

But why bother?
there is no deadline
there is no action.

i find that time runs slow in the morning
eight skips later then it's 8 pm
three nights in a row

but what is happening?
Where is my will
my willingness
to REALLY live?

Everything
is always the same
same thoughts
same drive
but a drive to nowhere but dreams on broken foundations
monotonous.

I have to push myself, I know I must.
to be able to OPEN my eyes and SEE
because all I see is fog.

I am aware?
I do not feel aware.

i am trapped in a misty humid fog, waving my arms gasping.
trying to breathe
dying to breathe
i cannot breathe.

I want to experience life in all its glories
And I would have
Or do I just think I would have?

if circumstances weren't so hilariously unfunny
Why?
why do i get the thing i have wanted most,
At the cost of another?
I don't even get a say in the decision-making,
I am merely just the puppet in this simulation
Playing out the scenes after the act.
Why?
That's because the forces of the universe have a sense of humor.

I very dislike change, and so it finds me a perfect match.
But others who wish they can leave their hometowns, have to stay stagnant until adulthood.
Where is my right to a less stressful childhood?
Why.

why am i being forced to grow up?
Being forced to mature or else i cannot keep up

being organized is the only thing that keeps me sane
It is the only thing that I have control over

One of the only things I have control over.

I am the physical manifestation of anxiety
Screaming
to be heard
to be n o t i c e d


to be mistaken for art


It was
a way of rebellion in a circumstance where i was forced to mature quick
robbed of non-persistent
non-insistent thoughts

So i hope fate is happy now.
For through the course you have run,
you have molded this puppet,
exactly how you have planned.

you can check me off your list

1,000 calories

the sickness comes bearing gifts. we smile. we laugh. we're told not to worry about the problems growing within, only the problem of lying correctly.

800 calories

the kidnapper promises us a never ending paradise. we're intrigued and let us be taken away. forgetting our past and erasing our future.
the fairies lie and say that the kidnapper is a fraud. the kidnapper taught us self control. we plug our ears and listen to the lullaby in place of the fairies.

500 calories

the sky falls apart. only a green screen, was it? natures beauty is rotting. we're surprised but savior has taught us that the only beauty we must worry about is our own. we plug our ears and listen to the lullaby with eyes closed.

300 calories

the lullaby grows moldy. savior taught us that ugly has no value. since the song is no longer beautiful, it has no more worth to us. we find that everything around us has rot. savior is the only beauty left in this promised land. we plug our ears, close our eyes, and promise never to give in to the disgusting power of this world. we'll be by saviors side forever.

15 calories

the savior knows deep inside that we would like to leave. but truth is, we've grown fond of the pain fed to our stomach. we love our savior and the lessons we've learned. it would be unfair to leave when the utopia we've known all these years has decayed. we trust that the pain will be bearable if it means we can hold the beauty in our palms again one day. we must stay a little longer.




.cowboy.

a state of standstill is a state of decline
an excess of sediment, an ineffective wine

i only hear that defining moment of time
in the less and less frequent creaking of the keys
the same old letters sadly clack

but can't ever get it back
heart's not in it
can't stay ******
overreactions come to attack

an embarrassing pervert that you already *****
every hour since a desperate hour
wolf crying wolf every five seconds
where the collective cower

****** is always his death name
dont wear it out
wear it where the collective cower

every hour since a desperate hour
hands in the pockets
of that dress with pockets

calling out his death name
when the coming time comes

wolf hands caught in the pockets
of that dress with the pockets

i wonder how much coffee
no cream
no sugar
small glass just in case
will it take for you too notice me

I can't wait
until looking in the mirror makes me smile
instead of cower away in shame
that my face
this vessel that carries me
gives me warmth
yet I hurt her so much
but she keeps me going
it's not fair that I treat her this way
but I can't bring myself to love her
and cherish her like I should

They said it would heal with time
but does time really heal?
or are they just trying to put a limit on how much I can wallow?