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Nola Leech Dec 2019
Breathe me in
Just to spit me out
If you’re not going to stay
Just leave already
I’m done
But I’ve said so many times that it feels almost normal
I forgot the word No
The word go
It’s time to focus on myself
Everything me
The spaces between
Everything from the outside to the middle
I don’t need anybody
I’m fine by myself
You’re nothing to me
But once you were my everything
I saw myself in you
Now I can’t recognize my reflection
I look for you everywhere
But you’re nowhere to be found
Nola Leech Dec 2019
It’s because of you this happened
Everything is because of you
And her
My mother
Because she didn’t protect me
And because you didn’t care about me
It’s because of you that I’m always scared
And mad
Mad that this happened to me
When God knows it shouldn’t have
I have no job experience
I have no volunteer experience
Because I sat in that house neglected for entire days by myself with no means of transportation
The only volunteer experience I have was with you when you molested me
And I’m not putting that down
So thank you
Thank you for making me cry in random classes at random times of the day
Because I can’t stop thinking about what you did to me
Now I can’t finish my homework
Because I don’t know what to put down
I’m writing this so I don’t get emotional
When I shouldn’t be
Because nothing is wrong anymore
I’m not hungry anymore
I’m not by myself
And I don’t have to be scared of you anymore
But I still am
And I wish I wasn’t
I wish that I was normal
And I had a real chance to survive in this world like everyone else did
I wish that I would have taken chances
I wish that I would have told sooner
I wish that my mom would’ve cared enough to help me
But she didn’t and I didn’t and you didn’t
No one did anything
And now I’m here
In this class
Writing this
When I should be doing my homework
Angry, When I should be happy
Remembering what never should have happened
I really don’t know what to put down
Because I just don’t
And I don’t want to put your name down
Your name makes me ***** in my mouth
I hate you
I wish you would just drop over dead
But I know God doesn’t want me to do that
He wants me to pray for you
But I don’t know if I can
Because I don’t wish anything good for you
I wish you everything you have ever done to me or my family ten times over
I wish you ever word, every touch bite against skin brass knuckles bruised lips from not speaking a word
I wish you all the hell you ever did on to me
I wish you a lifetime of tears
I wish you poor body image and low self esteem
I wish you every tear I ever shed because of you
In an ocean that would drown you
But because I’m a good person
I wish you realization
Correction
I wish you not a happy time
But a time of learning
Nola Leech Nov 2019
She doesn’t recognize herself
She stares into the mirror
But the face staring back
Isn’t her
This girl is feral
Dangerous
Liquid poison dripping from her tongue
This girl could snap at any point
Collapse at the drop of a hat
Freak out
Then there's no going back
You’re gone
There’s no saving you
You’re all alone
Like you always were
But you’re not anymore
Dark arms pull you in closer
You feel the cold glass hitting your skin
Your eyes closed briefly now you open
She switched spots with you
You bang on the mirror to get out
But now you’re trapped with everyone else
Who’s ever trusted their reflection
Shadows in dusk
Rain in the summertime
This was not supposed to happen
Nola Leech Nov 2019
Sometimes I hate myself
I don’t know why
Because I don’t say the right thing
And I shouldn’t
Because I’m so nervous
I wish there was something I could be
Something
Poison
Climbing down the stars
Something feral confident
Acid dripping from her tongue
Exhausted from the chase
She’s trying to hard
Dying
Her tears put out the flames
She doesn’t know why
Why she doesn’t recognize herself
Nola Leech Nov 2019
Summer is blue skies
Summer is pink lemonade daydreams
Summer is me and you
Winter is cold
Winter is leaving behind the old
Winter is me without you
Summer is warm, bright
Summer is happy days
Summer is when you held me tight
Winter is snowy, white
Winter is missing the flowers you used to bring me
Winter is saying goodbye
Nola Leech Nov 2019
When I drive
By your house
I look for you
Against  my will
I have to
Just anything to see you
Even though I don’t love you anymore
Even though you never loved me
Seeing you just reminds me
How beautiful and cruel the world can be
Even though you never loved me
Even though you never cared
Just because you didn’t doesn’t mean I can’t
You probably think this is about you
Without knowing anyone else I’ve been with
But none of them made me hurt like you did
Nola Leech Nov 2019
I don’t hate gym
it’s not my best class but it also not the worst
I will do push ups
I will run, do sit-ups, crunches and burpees
I will do everything you ask of me
Except play the games
Volleyball, Kickball, baseball
I just can’t
My body tenses, my lips quiver, my head freezes
Everyone’s just so much better than me
Runs faster than me, plays better than me
They look like their having fun
Like everything worth being alive
They look better than me
Dress better than me
This is what I think about during gym
Besides that, girls
Thin girls, thick girls, pretty girls, ugly girls
Who am I? And where do I fit in
Where do I belong?
Not here
In this gym, sweat pouring down my chin
legs wobbly, body tense with anticipation
Muscles weak, brain tired
From shouting
Over and over again
In my head, how useless I am
This is why I don’t participate in gym
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