It's as if no one hears your cries or sees your tears... Are you alone? Or is it that no one really cares? You find yourself lost and in distress. Wondering if you'll ever find your happiness.

I sit patiently and wait for the waves to consume the sand house I built
A sand house built with the hate that's grown over a period of time.
A sand house built like a sad house, growing weaker and weaker everyday.
The waves roll over my sand house filling the crevices with water.
After the water drains I look at my house and am shocked.
My sand house is packed with more sand, strengthening the walls.

My sand house built like a sad house, built stronger and stronger everyday.
I sit and wait again for the waves to consume the sand house I built
The sand house, filled with all the hate and distress created.
This sand house filled with me, filled with everything that I am.
So I must be strong if I can withstand these waves of trials and tribulations
If I can push out the water and come back a stronger me.

Do you even try
to understand the battle I'm fighting inside my mind?
Do you even understand
it's not because I want to, but it feels like my only option?

Do you even bother
to try to see it from my point of view?
See that my fear is eating me up inside,
that I'm also trying to starve it,
but the fear doesn't easily starve,
it takes what it craves
and it craves my soul

It's not like I want this,
but sometimes it feels unstoppable
my heart pounds crazy in my chest,
as my hands shake of distress,
it feels as if I go against my fear,
My life gets ruined,
I get ruined,
I'll wind up dead.

It's like the fear never gets satisfied,
it want more and more,
till there's nothing more left,
it never get's full,
just keeps on eating on my insides

I hope for the day I'll find my cure,
**** this fear
and just live my life again...

I stopped believing in love; because all I see is agony and heartbreak. It has been more than 445 days when things started to collapse. Your ignorance is unlike anything I have seen before. Much as I have been analysing your situation from different angles, there is nothing left to dig into. I am left alone; puzzled and hooked on the unknown…

I thought I saw heaven on the other side, but you were an incredibly deceiving black-hole. You should know that I’m entitled to this rage as much as you are entitled to the choice you made to leave me forsaken. Your traces are deep wounds, and they are yet extremely sore. Thus, I have no other option, but to shed tears more, and more…

Recalling the past is an incurable disease. You seem to have successfully latched onto my system. But do not get me wrong; I contemn the bitterness as I remember what we used to be. It is not a mystery that you strangely implicate the choices I make, and all the steps I am going to take. It actually boils my blood to admit that I have an incentive greed. I need to think that I am crossing your mind every second of the day just like you do mine. Otherwise, what is the point of falling in and out of love?

Still, your silence defies each drop of faith, I have stored inside. You have a ruthless soul; I’ll give you that. Now tell me; by what means can I possibly pull you out of a bottomless heart?
It is a curse you see; once you got in, you never got out…

"It is times like these where the happiness takes over.
Where every beautiful word you have ever said about me coming rushing back into my memories.
This is the time where it seems like it is just us against world.
But then again, there are also times where I begin to question everything.
Whether this is all just in my head or if you feel it to.
The confusing mixture of emotions is starting to make me dizzy.
Please just tell me.
Are you worth it?"

I miss that feeling
of when I had the power
to stir the ***
and change the tides
a single word could carry
so very far from me
and I could elect myself
most valuable liar
I love you
or at least I want to
don't give up on it
pick up your bags
you're not leaving
but now
I'm here,
in an empty, sad and little room
and I know there is not one
I can call
or with a click of a button
tell I want back
it's been far too long
I've distanced
I am distant

I've found hope in a far off dream
So distantly impossible it does seem.
Others think I'm a fool to believe 
Even though I know they think I know not.

This dream is the thing for which I reach
Even though I know I'm unlikely to succeed
Others they think I'm going insane
Even though I know they know not.

They tell me give up, they say to move on
Find another purpose, write a different song.
They don't understand, they can't comprehend 
Even though I know they don't know it's all I've got.

I ignore what they say, I choose to press on
But my heart starts to feel like it's wandering on.
I say I'm ok, that there will be hope for one day,
Even though I know they know I have not.

Not sure where I'm going, I hold on to where I've been
As if I have some sort of direction, I try to pretend.
Without this dream I have nowhere to go
Even though I know they know that I'm lost.

1/19/14

Laying In the bed staring at the ceiling fan, Infinite of thoughts cross my mind thinking what will my future be like?
Will it be like I always imagined or will it be like a ominous hell.
I was wondering and wondering, was lost in my own thoughts. I was hypnotised by the rotating blades and went to my own space. The place i where i love to be, The place where i find peace. Its my fanciful place, Its  my nirvana.
Its a place where i feel, free like wind, Beautiful like ballet, Soothing like lake, A bird freed from cage. place where there are no worries of my pietism life. A place where there are no more fetters, no more objections. A place where i can roar a place where i can scream. The place where i interrogate my inner self, Place which tells me the motive of my life.
Its like a garden in spring, Full of colours and joy. Its like blissful rain in summers, Making my mind fresh and alive.
No matter how painful life is, this place is my tome of panacea.
Its far away from the practicality of life, Its far away from the Judgemental Philosophy of the world.
Its my happy place, Its my pure place.  
With a blink of the eye my dream world is lost, Within a second the purity that place brought within me is bygone. All the beauty is just lost within a second, All my dreams are shattered within a moment.
I can again see that pale ceiling fan rotating, I can again see its blades making efforts to rotate. The calm mind of mine is lost somewhere again. And here i am laying on my bed, with numerous depressing thoughts again.
That place is a magic, That place is my pixie dust. That place is my dream which i will achieve. That place is My world.

Even Smokey the bear influence
couldn't save us from this forest fire.
Oil and fire will soon be mingled
with human anxiety and distress.