#disorder poems on Hello Poetry

Ellyn k Thaiden Apr 2018

Drought

I'll ride this high
Until I die
That Ana high
Will keep you alive

She feeds you euphoria
She fills you with doubt
First there is a typhoon
But then there is a drought

But nevermind the downside
Ana can help you thrive
Eventually you'll feel so high
You will barely feel alive

I've been battling this since I was 17. You tell yourself you'll stop. You never do.

#ana #mia #ed #ednos #eating #disorder

Sally Apr 2018

Paper Thin

I didn't think things would turn out this way.
One day, I decided to cut out sweets.
A simple idea turned sour,
Running away from my problems gave me power
And I did it.
Five kilometres every day,
Followed by constant calorie counting.
The numbers were running through my head,
Until I struggled to get out of bed.
I stood up too fast,
And my world started spinning round and round
Until I hit the cold, hard ground.
The feeling of lightness became euphoric.
Challenging the scales,
Determined not to fail;
It was a wrong kind of rush to have.
The voices wouldn't leave.
Telling me all kinds of bad things like a high-school bully on repeat.
I started lying about what I had eaten to please my family.
Exercising like a deranged athlete.
Hopping around in my room without anyone knowing.
Starving myself to feel complete.
I was paper thin with a faint heart-beat.

#eating #disorder #anorexia #teenager #youth

levi eden r Apr 2018

"fat"

i looked at my hands closely,
pinching the skin covering bone and calling it fat.
looking in the mirror for over half an hour after i shower makes me want to disappear in my bed sheets again.
i stared at my open refrigerator only to pour myself a cup of lemon water,
calling my eating habits a "cleanse".
i put my hands up in defense every time my friends tried to feed me and endlessly offer me their food.

i don't want it.
i don't know what my goal is.
i want to feel okay in this skin.

i want my mom to take back every comment.
i want my little sister to think before she speaks when she's angry at me.
i want brendon, my first grade crush, to take back what he said to my face in second grade.
cause you see,
i remember it all.

i remember my mother calling me fat like it was a bad thing when my first grade thighs couldn't fit into my hannah montana jeans.

i remember brendon telling me he liked me until i started to get fat.

i remember every time my little sister has told me i have no friends and that everyone leaves me because i'm fat.

instagram // @introawake

i've never really written about this. i've always wanted to because i thought it would make me feel better, like i could just put it out there and it wouldn't bother me ever again. but writing it all out made me hug myself, trying to cover my body from people who aren't even looking.

#poetry #eatingdisorder #eating #disorder

Carolina Apr 2018

Nerves of steel.

I'll go bottled blonde,
I'll be, again, fragile and skinny.
In plastic surgeries
I want to waste every penny.
I wear makeup
until my skin's all messed up.
I took thousands of pills
until my stomach said stop.
I work out until fatigue,
I write down every meal.
When you say I look better
it gives me self esteem.
But fear strikes evey time
that I get closer to the scale.
It scares me that instead of a number
it'll show the word whale.
I desire to be
the prettiest in the land.
I long to have
the perfect golden tan.
Delicate flower
for everyone to stare.
The magnetic one
that has nothing to repair.
I want to look radiant,
I want to look like a star.
My idea of the perfect weight
will make me take it too far.
But I don't really mind
about my health nor my spirit,
as long as I'm adored,
as long as I have a merit.
They only see you if you're pretty,
they ignore all the wrong;
You may be unstable
but you're worthy of a song.
And I'm not even concerned,
not like someone will notice.
No one did the last time
but anyway I'll tell you this:
I don't care if you find out
all the things that I conceal.
You can talk all you want,
I have nerves of steel.

#tw #eating #disorder #fear #hate #ed #mental #health #relapse #selfesteem

Eleanor Sinclair Apr 2018

E.D.N.O.S

Choke it down though you know you don't want it
Cram the calories into the bottomless pit
With stress and starvation comes restrictive cravings
Ice cream for meals and depleted savings
Feel the pain in your stretched out belly
Scarfing down peanut butter and jelly
You're a pig and you know it
But you can't control it
Your clothes hug you close
As your stomach continues to bloat
Five, six, seven pounds up
When will it be enough
When will you realize you're a product of your own destruction
If you skip each meal tomorrow you can start reconstruction
The thin girls stare and laugh at your look
One more plate of pasta is all that it took
You're disgusting and vile
Put yourself here on trial
Tell yourself to succumb to the voices
Starting tomorrow make better choices
Starve yourself daily
You'll love yourself maybe
Nothing like the feeling of an empty stomach
Your own strung up puppet
Bones through skin is a beautiful thing
It's a reason to get up on the scale and sing
Dropping like boulders with each passing hour
Making up excuses like "I'm allergic to flour"
Whatever the condition
You know your mission
Start the cycle however vicious
Ignore the foods that are delicious
Indulge in water and a baby food diet
If they ask "who wants seconds?" stay quiet
Because soon you'll be pretty and fit your summer attire
You can't wait any longer now it's dire
The flavor will fade and you'll hate yourself more
How about skip the cake and you'll even the score
Till the number's brand new
And your bones pierce right through
Don't stop till you're nothing
Put your shoes on get running
Embrace the disorder
Create your own border

#ednos #eating #disorder #not #otherwise #specified

Her Apr 2018

Starvation

that moment
when the worry
begins to seep into
my veins

that moment
when the pain
begins to play
tricks within
my brain

i feel my collarbones
and know i'll be

o k a y

#eating #disorder #ed #bulimia #anorexia #love #hate #pain #personal

Moni Apr 2018

Deprsssion

It's funny how society shows us how to opress

The depressed teens and adults of this generation.

“It’s just a phase”

“I had it worse when i was a child”

“Attention seeking liar”

“Get over it”

But maybe i can’t get over it.

Depression turned my once happy stream of joyful thoughts

Into a rainy, dark pit of sadness.

A pit only to be filled with

Helplessness, insomnia, self-destruction, and a little madness.

This illness has broken me

I feel like I have to carry the burden of darkness on my shoulder

And each time I try to get better, I regress.

The only way to repress my feelings is to let

Niagara Falls drip from wrists, to my stomach, to my hips, & to my thighs

And hide it with a mouthful of lies

My inner demons gained control over my brain,

Bringing me so much pain that it became hard to do anything.

Even eating became a chore

Because it was hard to eat when I can’t even look in the mirror without fear

Of the Image standing in front of me.

Ugly, worthless, stupid

You don’t even have the drive to stay alive,

So why care about yourself or your health?

You’re better off dead.

But of course, it was all in my head, so no one understood.

No one understood that i stayed up til 4 in the morning

Having a mental breakdown, with death on my mind.

I just wish someone could reach behind my mask and find the real me

The sad me

The broken me

The mentally drained me

The me that has been drowning in my own darkness for years now

sorry if its not the best.

#despression #eating #disorder #mood #saddness #broken #alive #help

Anno Apr 2018

Melonolgy

hopelessness in technology
the beginnings of melancholy
frantically searching the internet for answers
hidden away in the darkest places
I feel isolated in my own mind
I feel isolated in my own mind
who am I?

#bipolar #disorder #madness #insecurity #depression #technology #answers

Magenta Blume Apr 2018

Dark thoughts

You
Are
So
Beautiful

4
Four words that I cannot comprehend.
They swirl in and out of the cracks in my brain dancing around trying to land on a tangible thought.
But they are lost.
Wondering.
The street lights are out and the darkness has taken over.
The moonlight isn't even glistening tonight. It's solid black.
So they search faster scanning for their place.
But it's not going to be found.
Thoughts plunged deep into oblivion filled with lies that have suddenly become truth because the switch has flipped and she is gone.

Gone
Like the weight that needs to be shed.
She looses herself in the number over and over again. It rises and falls like the heaving breaths she takes when she finishes making her mess.
Sobbing imperfection
"Beauty is pain"
Stop thinking about it you're not hungry again.

#eating #disorder