You
Are
So
Beautiful


4
Four words that I cannot comprehend.
They swirl in and out of the cracks in my brain dancing around trying to land on a tangible thought.
But they are lost.
Wondering.
The street lights are out and the darkness has taken over.
The moonlight isn't even glistening tonight. It's solid black.
So they search faster scanning for their place.
But it's not going to be found.
Thoughts plunged deep into oblivion filled with lies that have suddenly become truth because the switch has flipped and she is gone.

Gone
Like the weight that needs to be shed.
She looses herself in the number over and over again. It rises and falls like the heaving breaths she takes when she finishes making her mess.
Sobbing imperfection
"Beauty is pain"
Stop thinking about it you're not hungry again.

i finally remembered what it was
to feel happy and content
instead of just "not sad"
the sun comes around more often
sticks around longer
it paints my world in colors more beautiful
than those it gives the sky because suddenly,
when my friends laugh , i can too
and i am loud again
and instead of walking, i skip
suddenly, instead of dreading the day,
i wake up to moments full of potential
and i worry less about every single thing i do
suddenly, being with people
is as invigorating as it used to be
once upon a time ago.
of course, the rain will come again
and the sun will leave with summer
and it is then, especially, that i will hurt again
but suddenly, i have hope.

I weigh more than I have ever weighed
And I've never been more afraid.

The voices are louder than ever before
You're fat, you're ugly, a failure for sure

You'd think I know these are all lies
That this would just render many sighs.

But it doesn't.

It's pain, it's suffering, it's absolute hell
On these thoughts I continue to dwell

Tears are shed.

If I objectively weigh more
Than I ever have before
How can I disagree with the voices in my head?
More tears are shed.

Fix it, fix it! My mind berates.
Weight loss is your impending fate.
Not to lose too much, don't worry
A couple of pounds, you'll be fixed in a hurry.

I'm trying
to not
listen.

But on the cusp of believing it's true.
Restriction and exercise is all I'll have to do.
Control, control
Something I desperately want.

But I must stay strong
And keep holding on
And try to avoid trying to fix this.

I want to be a role model
For younger girls
Accept your body
it's as precious as a pearl

Its imperfections make it beautiful.
You do not have to look a certain way
Or worry about what you weigh
You are worth so much more than that
You deserve so much more than that
Believe in yourself, and start a new day

You left, like everyone else.
Excuses you spat, just to get away. Just like that.
“Too thin” you said, but you never complained in bed.
“Not healthy enough”, oh those words were rough.
I begged your forgiveness, not caring who witnessed.
“I’ll eat more, I promise.”, hoping my words would give you solace.
My only desire was to keep you. But away you flew.
Along with my sanity, where’s your humanity?
You didn’t care that I was sick, oh no, now I know your trick.
Just another guy thinking with his ****.
How could you, I was at my peak.
I should’ve known, you only prey on the weak.

Crying,
Over the bathroom scale because I think the numbers are taunting
Smiling,
Because if people actually saw how I was feeling they'd avoid me.
Hurting,
Because I'd rather bottle it up than tell anyone
Dying,
Because not eating is more appealing than being happy.

I feel it
I hate it
I can stop it. I can eat.
Food tastes guilty.
I lie,
I starve.
I hide the fact that I'm hungry,
But I'm not going to eat.
Not yet.
Not until I've taken control

Dear Body,

I am sorry
for the pain
I've put you through.

The problem never really was you.

The problem was my goal for perfection.

Be perfect or be nothing.

Doesn't make much sense.
Yet this thought made my life very intense.

I hated you deeply all of grade twelve
In dieting and restricting I began to delve

Desperately trying to diminish you.

Sadly it worked, and you became hurt.

Yet even when I was scarily thin
I never loved the skin I was in

Recovery was hard, but I did gain weight.
But relapse was my impending fate.

I loved feeling accomplished watching the number go down
But my mood and personality fatally drowned.

Who did I become?

My low mood drove me to change my ways
To try to brighten all the darker days

I regained weight.

Eating disorders are not all about weight
Or body image.

They're about repairing your relationship with yourself.

I tortured my body to achieve a goal
Hoping it would make me feel more whole.

And now here I am.

Still fighting.
Fighting to ignore the thoughts in my head
That tell me to hurt you again.

But you don't deserve that
You're worth so much more
Being perfect isn't what you were given to me for.

I am worth so much more than a number on a scale.

I must ignore the thoughts in my head
And treat my body with some respect.

Nourish and care for it, it's the only one I've got
Let media and culture's images brutally rot.
Have my drive for perfection no longer be a thought.
Accept myself and explore a lot.