Yes I see these memories,
But was I really there?
Body and mind both there in time,
Though soul and thoughts, were where?

The past a story written down,
The pages in a book.
Photographs on camera roll,
The ones I never took.

It’s a funny sensation and I crave conversation
‘Cause lately, I’ve been suffering from disassociation.
So let me sum up my train of thought from yesterday:
Why did I think it would be a good idea to move to Taipei?
Nowadays I can’t recognize my own reflection
And hide behind a glass of whiskey’s protection.
After work last night, I went straight to the bar.
The place was clean but a little bit far.
The signal was bad so I cursed my phone carrier.
Then quietly cursed myself for this language barrier.
Can somebody flirt with me?
Better yet, hurt with me.
To sit down and eat a slice of dessert with me.
I just need someone to hold me.
These few weeks have been lonely.
“I just can’t trust you,” he recently told me.
With my eyes glued to the screen of my phone,
I promised myself I wouldn’t be alone.
I called up a friend to distract me from my questions.
He threw my way a couple of suggestions.
I can’t be left with my thoughts for too long.
My feelings are valid but my head’s ******* on wrong.
I stumbled outside, left my purse and laptop behind.
Luckily, the bartender caught up to me in time.
Thank you to everyone who listens to my rants.
I’m just proud that I got home before ******* my pants.

today is a Gone day
the kind of day where i can't
see past the blood on my fingertips
the kind of day where standing up
or thinking too long
makes my chest ache

today the world outside my thoughts
is cloudy and irrelevant
i want to sleep but my head is too loud
i can't even speak over the deafening sounds
those wretched voices reminding me
that i'll never be enough

today I can't leave my room
reality slips under me and i'm in a Gone world
my senses evaporate and i'm left in my head,
alone, again

today will disappear from my memory
in the stream of coming days
it's already starting to slip away
one moment, and it's Gone.

When I woke up this morning
I felt my skin crawl and body ache
And my entire being was sitting at the edge of a knife
And I could feel the backs of my knees being gently sliced into as I swung my legs

When I woke up this morning
I felt my mind reeling back and forth like a wind-up car
Forehead and heart alike pounding as I sat up
My ankles clicked and my jaw popped open
To reveal damaged clockwork within
And I was stuck at exactly 6:37 am

When I woke up this morning
Something felt off
My hands felt as though they were placed three inches away from where they are on my wrists,
My ears rung with noises I barely remembered
And my eyes stung with just the light from my dim screen,
and burned when I flicked the switch

When I woke up this morning
My nerves were on fire
And I was reduced to a pile of tear-stained ashes
Because why should I cry if I knew what was wrong?
Questions racing about my mind
Dulled by choked on routines electrifying my nervous system
necessary to keep me from going down the rabbit hole

I'm tired of wearing Alice’s armor
And the caterpillar’s smoke is making my lungs seize up and throat swell
I refuse to accept the fact that I am steadily losing control
But I will scream, cry, and break that I am nothing short of terrified.

When I woke up this morning
I told myself that I will be fine
And I ignored all the warning signs
And I fell

Fell

F e l l.

I'm broken and shattered.
You are broken and shattered.
My instincts want to make you whole.
Let me hold you.
Because in my arms we can be whole.
I feel you cry,
You shudder.
Let me hold you,
So we can be whole together.
Tears run down my cheeks.
My throat it knots.
The things I've seen,
The things I've felt.
Why must we be broken?

To mingle and live
With love so close and just out of reach
To connect and to touch
With someones out of minds
My body so alive without me
My mind so alive without my body

The disconnect is sometimes too much to bear,
I find myself wondering if it's a change required in me or in my surroundings,
How I would love to let go,
Without ruining me or something else

the bugs crawling, decorticating my skin,
my thorny spine trying to escape
as my mind starts sinking,
making me aware of every part of my body
the attentive audience of all i perceive to be staring at me
                                            Deserted
i thought, maybe isolation would get the better of me
as ever inch of my soul leaves my autonomy
                                           Floating
in a state of fear, but yet bliss
i see vivid colours melt in the sky
                                         Deteriorating
but i am away from all the fear,
i am away from my self
as soon as i venture back,
                                        Falling
i am scared once again