We all have a fatalist

Inside of us

Teetering a tight rope

Trying to fight fear for a good show

Those high hopes

are defined by the lies of someone else

We are Brave despite what we tell ourselves

When the circuitry comes caving in

Within the brain
Amidst the pain
Frequencies fade
Signals lost

Within the heart
Amidst the pain
Messages fade
Signals caught

Between the two
Amidst the pain
Thoughts fade
Signals gone

Within the soul
Amidst the pain
Decisions fade
Signals torn

Within my life
Amidst my pain
Life fades
Signals ignored

Lost between three
Past, present and future
Stuck in the middle
forever between the two

Trauma, trauma, trauma
Self defense mechanisms
Insecurities and flaws
Mental disadvantages

To put in simple terms
Feelings form into words
Confusion the product
The solution yet to be discovered

“I keep looking”

“Winter Nights”

I put on my headphones and walk out
into the winter snow.

It is 12:00 at night and the streets are dark,
the snow is falling,
the lights are throbbing.
Perfect place for a walk.

Walking in a way is relaxing,
it finds a way of enveloping the moment.
Quieting the loud noises.

Those quiet nights that almost feel isolating.
There’s no one out,
no one except me.

The silence is almost deafening,
it allows me to hear the thoughts I had hidden.
So my mind crowds,
full on unspoken words,
and heavy sentences.

Each time I walk my feet feel heavier,
the weight of my own life
holding me back.

But I don’t stop.
I keep walking even if
it gets hard.
Each breath coming out more ragged
and I’m just counting down the minutes
until I make it home.

I stop,
when I feel I can’t no more.
I get down on one knee and
catch my breath.
The coldness of the wet snow
sneaks into my warm jacket.

I don’t know why
or how,
but I get back up.
Back on the same two feet that once
brought me down.
And I walk,
until I’m sore,
until I can’t no more.

I rise because I swore I would never let myself fall into the kind of silence that swallows me whole anymore.

Until I finally see light.
I run faster,
and faster.
Then I reach it.

The light is you,
it’s always been you.
Because during the darkest times,
you never moved.
It was me.

You may find me...by the water, way too far to drown..in hell, waiting for the storm. Man of a lesser god. I am, who I claim to be, Child of the Blues. Resilient, nothing gonna break me. If it don't make cents. It's won't make dollars. left, right, body blow. Managing to slip few punches, but life is everlasting, unyielding meant to bend. Always outnumbered, always outgunned, I am not a mistake, like a supernova, the wind blows in from the west, to comfort and restore. I have no answers for what comes next, but I believe...I've been thru heartache and pains, and I won't lose to Me. See you at the summit.

A discarded white canvas,
that stares with hazy eyes.
It sees me contemplating
as I smile and cry.
  
I try intuition.
I try to forget the insults,
the petty competition.
  
Yet, the ink flows not
and the infinite cackles.
A million choices,
a singular outcome.
A singularity of
a dozen truths,
a dozen lies,
and a dozen perspectives.
  
“What do I say?”
  
The canvas smiles,
and my heart giggles.
  
They open their mouths to answer.
  
“Be as you are.”