What's the purpose of life,
when in darkness I drive,
when in darkness I dive,
when to darkness I strive,
in darkness I feel alive.

I am done fighting.
I am done struggling.
I am done.

There is nothing, no strength.
There is nothing, no willpower.
There is nothing.

I let myself fall,
something otherworldly I hear
but I feel no fear,
it's darkness's call.

I let go of all,
and still I fall.

A long sought sensation,
I now am darkness's creation.
I indulge into the depths,
as they welcome me
a part of them to be.

I let go of all,
and still I fall.

I am darkness.
I am depression.
I am.

In the moonlight,
I place my face on the cool hard wood floor,
in a futile attempt to feel grounded.

But my roots do not take easily
and I continue to wither,
awake on my bedroom floor.

I used to feel stress as some others do
I’d cry and pout and usually eat the stress away
Gaining 5, 10, 15 pounds in the process
But at what point does stress become too much?

Phase 1- Normal
A little stress
But less than should cause concern
Take a quick pause and breath
Till you feel fully awake and ready to handle the whole deal that is worrying you
Eating pattern: Normal

Phase 2- Intermediate
More substantial stress
Quite the mess inside the mind
Especially in an unkind situation
Eat a little more than normal for the sake of taking away the thought of the problem
Make a list and stick to it to reduce the impact
Don’t place the fist to the wall yet
Eating pattern: Calories increased by 25-40%

Phase 3- High
Stress has reached its max
Like a leach ******* the life away
Mind trying to stray from the food or the situation
But somehow falling pray to both
Like a host for a parasite
Eating pattern: Compromised. Calories increased by 60-75%

Phase 4- Immense
Stress too high to handle comfortably
Functional human abilities begin to cease
Like a paralyzing disease
Lies like not feeling well begin to find their way into play through each and every day
Not only is the issue stressful but the thought of eating becomes impossible
Now more problems creep in with the deep dive swim of an eating disorder side show
Eating pattern: Crippling loss of appetite. Calories decreased by 90%

I digress to address the source of my stress
A world I thought I knew and had nothing left to do but ride the wind with my sweetheart
But things fall apart yet the world still spins and at the end of the day the side I’m fearful of wins
And now I’m alone and scared of what’s next I just sit here with empty stomach rumbles hoping for your text

I'm sad
but i don't know why

thats a lie
i do know why

but i don't know why today
why is it bothering me
today

this is not something new
nor necessarily old
it just is
and today is just today

i don't know where i am
in my mind

i don't know who to talk to
about what i feel
and why i feel it
today
and not yesterday

i am sad
for many reasons
reasons that i keep to myself
reasons that make me feel empty

i want to scream
but at the same time
i want to lay on my back
and not make a sound

i want to cry
but also laugh

i want to run my car into a ditch
and be admitted into the hospital
so that i can still walk out
days later
and act as if nothing happened

i don't know what to do
i don't know anything
i don't know what i want
or who i want

i just don't know anymore