crying over a boy
introduces a new sadness
to your
nearly dry tear ducts

sure, you cry
over the bachelor
or a nicholas sparks
novel
but when the boy
is real
and tangible
losing him
hits
harder

you'd grown accustomed
to him
seeing him smile
watching his adam's apple
bob in his throat
when he laughed
hearing him sing
in the car
hearing him
breathe

he was alive

and you'd drop everything
when his name was the one
on your phone screen

you'd try to respond
as soon as you could
because then he could
respond
sooner

you weren't afraid
of running him off
because you knew
he would never leave

so when he did
you had to adjust

seeing someone
whose smile was
just barely
his
would break you

making your friends
laugh
but only wanting to hear
that strange and subtle
way
he would laugh

singing along to the radio
despite knowing
that he'll never know
the lyrics to your song
and you'll never
get to laugh about it
with him

breathing
even though
it hurts

even though he's gone
you still check your notifications
for his name

and you realize
maybe he ran away
because you
weren't worth the chase

and your boy tears
stain your face

revealing the patches
where your foundation
once was

Sometimes you want to force the tears out,
just so you can say you cried
over something other than him.

There was a time when i believed in falling
for falling is the first step to trust
and trust, i have lacked for the last few years
because sheded tears caused my steel heart to rust
for a while i was convinced there was a spark
hidden under heaps of high expectations and hope
past the overthinking, right next to quaint smiles and glances, and hidden under the wish that we’d finally elope
but love isn’t built with empty promises
nor is it molded with the lovley, “if only”
because when you fall in love with the idea of someone
falling turns to broken, the broken can’t mend, and your back to being desperate and lonely
i wish being loved wasn’t so difficult
but if it was easier no one would dare to fall
because we’d rather be shattered from falling with faith
than stay safe with nothing at all

I keep fighting.
I keep being told to stay strong.
Keep going on.
“You got this.”
Well you’re wrong.

My tears are my only vice.
And those tears just fall all night long.
Every day is just a roll of the dice.
Can I keep giving it my all?

I’ve ****** up.
I can never do anything right.
And I just keep hurting those around me
So what’s the point of continuing,
I mean I knew this along.

I should have stopped while I was ahead.
Now it’s in so deep
And it’s getting more painful to breathe.
I just keep thinking I want to be free.

These pills of my nightstand,
They feel so inviting.
It would stop all this crying.

I mean you all will forget my anyways.
One day I’ll be a distant memory.
Someone you just used to know.

A face that was just on the screen.
Someone standing in the crowd.
A person that was never quite whole.

You can hate me.
You can curse me.
Whatever gets you through it.
I’m the only one to blame.

But honestly, I can no longer handle this pain.
I’m sorry. Forgive me.
But I’ve got to end this game.
Just remember, one day you won’t even remember my name.