thank you.

thank you for convincing me i had the world.
thank you for playing with my hair only after i styled it the way you like it.
thank you for holding me while i cooked our dinner,
and only letting me eat a quarter of what you did,
because my "voluntary" starvation turns you on.
thank you for touching me so gently,
gently enough that i thought it meant something,
and for showing me a constructed version of your heart.

thank you
for breaking my trust almost as much as you broke me,
for showing me that your needs mean more to you than mine ever did,
and for showing me that the sick satisfaction of knowing you could make me lose myself was more important to you than the fragility of my abandoned soul.

thank you
for testing the elasticity of my heart
and the bandwidth of my patience,
for showing me i deserve more than a man who uses manipulation
to hide his undeniable self hatred,
and for letting me build you up so high above this Earth that gravity would carry you
and you'd never have to fall back down and see what you left.

thank you
for showing me every single thing I don't want.

and when someone comes along and loves me in a way that you never could,
i hope you look down and see me shining brighter than every star in the atmosphere i lifted you up to.

and after crying for hours about the decisions you made all by yourself
i cannot do anything than keep my mouth shut and silently hope for a butterfly to fly by

I fell in love with someone who has a ***** past.
Some people say this type of love will never last.
Someone who's coming and going and doesn't ever stay.
If it's not one thing, it's another, & things simply just won't change.
You fight with them, disagree with them & tell them their wrong, but at the end of the day your all alone in all your thoughts, they start to sing a song.

Did I really let you make me cry?
I fell to the floor but nothing was heard
I gave you my heart, I wanted to try
Tears cascade down turning my vision blurred

I watched my heartbreak and I watched it fall
I saw love in many abusive ways
I didn't move, but I felt the need to bawl
I craved it, wanted it for many days

The love that I had, wasn't really love
Beaten and bruised my poor, lost, little heart
Most times it wasn't a friendly little shove
I just wanted to have a fresh new start

When I left, I finally was set free
I left to find the real, happy me

Four days before you broke up with me
you emailed me
"I love you a lot I love you so so so so so so so so much"
No, that's not an exaggeration
That is exactly what you said
I fell so hard for you

Three days before you broke up with me
you told me
"I only want you"
and I said that I only wanted you
And god, I did
I do.

Two days before you broke up with me
You said I wasn't your second choice
and that you "never wanted" me "to feel that way"
And I apologized
for feeling
and telling you exactly what I was feeling

One day before you broke up with me
you kissed me
and smiled
And I smiled right back at you
But I sobbed that night because
she posted about you

The day you broke up with me
We sat next to each other
And we smiled
while my friend recorded us
being simply happy
and in love

Four hours before you broke up with me
You made out with me
I wore your hat
and you gave me three
Blue Raspberry Jolly Ranchers
and laughed at my blue tongue

When you broke up with me
You cried
Looked me in the eyes
and said
"I can't say I see a future with you"
So I stood up, walked away, eyes dry

And sobbed when I got home.
And sobbed the next day.
And sobbed two days later.
And wrote this poem
while sobbing
Because I needed to tell someone

Eight hours after you broke up with me
You told me you still loved me
But you hadn't seen a future with me
recently
How long has it been? Since you love her more
I think I'm going to hurt myself

Are you reading this?
Fevaeaiky?

How are these tears so cold?
I flinch and shiver from each river.
The slow waters, freezes on my chin,
seeps into sore skin. It hurts.
Each drop as a hot coal, not cold,
timid yet so bold burns my eyes.
It’s so hard to type or even write.
Cascading waves, down my face,
as my faith and all fades away.
Are my tears even worth pushing away?
Shapes blurry, the water’s murky,
you say sorry but still hurt me.
Can you please stop hurting me?
Calm the entropy. You’re so empty.
Mercy! Please stop hurting me;
I can’t deal with the lack of gl—