I want to breathe in different skin

It wasn't supposed to be, missing you at 2:05 am.
I imagined snorting lines of ******* and cutting my skin.
It wasn't supposed to be, missing you at 2:06 am.
I envisioned a drunken mess sprawled across my bed.
It wasn't supposed to be, missing you at 2:07 am.
I was supposed to be high and stumbling around campus.
I wasn't supposed to be thinking about you.
I wasn't supposed to miss you.
I miss you.

I am crying
because I am alone

I am crying
because going out  to buy dinner
is a constantly reminder that I am alone

I am crying
because no one is in love with me

I am crying
because I am hideous

I am crying
because I am hideous and no one is in love with me

I am crying
because I went to the supermarket
and saw love
and I am alone

Tell me you love me
I need someone
on days like this I do.
Hug me tight
and cuddle with me all night.
I need to feel something tonight.
I lost all my emotions
trying to fix myself
that I dont know how to feel anymore.
hold me tight,
help me feel something tonight.
My heart is dead
make it beat once again.

I’m scared of writing,again
Because I’m scared of crying
Crying is my enemy
When I cry I’m a easy target
When I cry you can manipulate me with your words
You can make me rethink my who perception of life
I don’t want that
But when it does because it will
I will have to restart my mind
Forget about what you told me
Forget about the visions of images you put in my head
And make you a target for changing me

Writing is my outlet
Have you ever dug inside your own mind so deep
Have you ever written every detail of your life on paper till this exact moment
Have you ever fell in love with something and never stop doing
Until you were afraid too
Because I’m afraid
Im afraid that every word I write comes back to haunt me
Afraid that when I reread this I cry
Because crying makes me venerable
And venerability makes me write  

Writing is my best friend but sometimes your best friend can hurt you
I am afraid to write because what I write is my life and that’s why I cry

I've tried to take my life seven times before
And no one ever talked about it after it happened
We all went on without addressing it
I carried the weight of my attempts on my shoulders like it was a backpack filled with stones
It made me feel like no one cared
I will attempt a new one in a matter of time
No one seems to notice how bad I'm actually doing
No one cares enough to talk
I'm so painfully hurt and I'm alone in this fight
I'm done

when he used to talk down to me and make me feel invisible i would dig my nails so deep into my hands that I bled

I forgot I did this, I tried over and over to repress that

I thought about doing it again today

It's been 9 years.