three*
I am dead inside
two
I have no place to hide
one
In death I will abide

60, 59,
the countdown has begun;
55, 54,
2015 was anything but fun.
50, 49,
alone on New Years Eve, as usual;
45, 44,
my desire to be loved; immovable.
40, 39,
i've had countless brushes with death
35, 34,
and it's like feelings of nostalgia are ****** in with every breath.
30, 29,
no family present on this miserable day,
25, 24,
all alone; make way as the unloved fade away.
20, 19,
i hope next year will be better;
15, 14,
that is, if i last until then.
10, 9,
i suppose it's crazy that in a few seconds,
something 365 days long,
will be over
5, 4,
oh please don't let this be the end...
3,
2,
1,
...
i am alive.
*happy new year

Ten.
These are the worst kinds of nights. The kind where you're gagging on your own breath that's hitching in your throat. The kind where you open your mouth to speak but you can't get those words out. To say them makes them true.
Nine.
The rain pounds against your window pain and the voice inside your head doesn't stop no matter how hard you cover your ears. You're screaming until you feel your throat bleed but you can't shut off the noise inside you. You can't stop the yelling within.
Eight.
You wonder if anyone ever notices your raspberry painted smile never quite reaches your eyes and you wonder if anyone ever wonders why your sleeves are stained red.
Seven.
Cold. You feel so cold like the wind that rattles your bones and you can't remember what it feels like to sit in the sun.
Six.
Rip the things from the walls. Tear off the bed sheets. Shatter the mirrors and blacken your own eyes. The hurricane that's made its home inside you needs destruction to keep on living, but you don't know ******* it.
Five.
you're falling to your knees and ******* it stop crying. Stop! Don't you dare ask for help. Tears and running down your face and you can't make them quit. Crimson runs down your arms with your hands clasped in prayer, you swear you'll never do it again.
Four.
The only thing left in you for now is the hollow feeling. Your thoughts are whirling around the room gaining turbulence.
Three.
Pick it up, rinse it under cold water, tape it up as best as you can. No one told you when you poured your heart out it might fall to the floor and shatter
Two.
if you smile tomorrow no one will know, and you could be beautiful. Honestly. Maybe someone could love you
One.
your thoughts and feelings come rushing back into your body and soul. something breaks deep within you. your whole heart falling down. Irreversibly damaged in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

ten** was the number of minutes you were on stage the day i first saw you & realized I'd be missing out on life if i never got a chance to know the mind behind the words you spoke

nine was the number of times i lied to my friends telling them i wasn't falling for you when every inch of me craved you in a way i never had craved anyone or anything before

eight was the number of times i almost told you i loved you that night when we spoke about life & how easy it was to lose your way while growing up, but i held my tongue thinking you would never feel the same way

seven was the number of times i saw you at school & so badly wanted to reach out and hold your hand, when i knew i couldn't

six was the class we hid in the first time you kissed me & it was as if my whole world had changed in the blink of an eye. the rebirth of love, hope & purpose in my life.

five was the time early morning when i finally collapsed after talking to you on the phone since the night before despite having school the next day

four was the date when you came so close to getting suspended from school because you just had to come see me for a couple of minutes. willing to risk anything for that time together.

three was the number of times you stayed up all night while i cried, reassuring me until I was all out of tears & fears.

two is the number of people who understand how difficult it is for us not to see each other every single day. me & you. no one else will ever be able to comprehend what it is like to live without you.

one is the number of people who my heart belongs to. just one. you. eternally.

zero is the number of times I've regretted falling hard & fast for you.