i never understand this feeling
heavy breathing
can't sleep
can't eat
spacing out too often
wondering
what's next
between Otis and Maeve
or maybe
i'm just still wondering
what could've been
between you and me
and I know its way too late
for us
but I wish it's never the same for them
because they're just on their way to their 3rd season
and we have finished ours
and I don't want to see the same ending
twice

“The void will come to take us away,”
she said, tears streaking down her cheeks
“One by one, they pick us off.”
She let go

And I screamed
And screamed
And screamed

Still tightly grasping the wall
Still breathing
Still living

But barely

I yelled, muscles tensed in frustration
The room seemed to be closing in on me

“Calm down. Take deep breaths,” my therapist said
I strained against my head
My conscience breaking into a thousand dissonant voices

“I could have saved her. She didn’t have to go.”

“You couldn’t save yourself. The void was unavoidable,” she said,
Stroking my hair in long, tangled motions

“But I could have. I could have done more. I should have done more.”
Tears streaked across my face, like window wipers spinning out of control.

“The void comes to take us all.”
And with that thought,
I, too, let go

I may not be writing this story
I don't know what you're intending
But please, dear author, please
At least tell me if there is an ending

falling, falling, plummeting down this vast emptiness i've felt many times before
spiraling into tears, violent sadness & passive aggressive anger
further down the rabbit hole
i reach numbness, emptiness & an imaginary aloneness between every moment of every day
dreaming of another life once again,
craving of something beyond this world into another realm.
i never for a moment question my love for you.
but as this poison they call depression begins to spread through my veins once more,
i question your love for me.
& every moment of affection, love & kindness you give to me fades in hours from my memory
as if my mind can no longer cling to happiness as it once did
& every moment of even the most minuscule spec of negligence,
(or at least what this entity attempts to convince me is negligence)
becomes a heartbreak in itself & crushes my esteem & my spirit further down
it's getting what it wants, a mutiny of my mind & the very depths of my soul, the core of my being

but then.

in the very last moments, the very last minutes you have as you are here by my side
you see it in me, this darkness
this sadness & anger.
& i never mean to take it out on you yet somehow this thing, it convinces me to
in a way so subtle i don't even realize that it's happening until after it's happened
& you see it, but you also see me
you see the smiles & laughter, the passion, the fierceness, the fire, love & light in my soul
that once was & had never left but has been stuck behind bars
& you hold me & kiss me, tell me everything will be okay & that you promise you'll help me through this
& i smile
& my heart races
& my soul regains a moment of strength for now
& i adore you so much
because somehow you always catch me at the last moment of "all hope is lost"
& you know how much I love cliffhangers

It took me weeks to months
To simply contemplate
My words to sentences
So I can express
How much you mean to me

It took you a minute
To give me a bright white rose
Just to tell me
How you feel
And how to never be
Seen again

I cannot see my heart in anyone else's hands
but yours.
The fact that you hold on so tightly
whether you intend to or not
is still there every moment of every day.
Your attempts,

if that's what they are,


to         push      me      away,
areonlypullingmecloser.

I cannot let go of this rope I'm holding on to, this line between me and you.

If my hands set you free you'd no longer be cared for properly

and that's what I fear the most.