every man looks bigger than they are in the shadows
it takes courage to step in the light
and really be seen

To my dearest self,
Most of the time I yearn to be you again because growing up is weird
Growing up is having to adjust to each an every event that occurs on this planet
You lose yourself for a moment then fight for your sanity
Well, atleast half of it
You grow up to be a walking contradiction
Because society itself is contradictory
" Be yourself ": they say, " but not like that"
Now you tune into your survival mode just to get through the day
You lose friends, yes even the ones you called "bestfriend forever"
Because "Forever" now has a subtle "hopefully" prior to it
Everything now is shortlived
There's too much violence, malice and deceit
Many lives are taken
Many people are unhappy
Ego is the new 60% and 40 is figuring out what 20 could be.
We feed each other pain like it's a daily bread
While trauma is the new normal
And being cool means hurting the one you love.
We lie so much we end up lying to ourselves, then we go into a battle of trying to know ourselves.
Crazy right?
Growing up you find yourself in an academy, "a real life academy", a Wise one once said.
You learn, you unlearn and you survive then you learn again.
It's a whole neverending vicious circle.
But trust me when I say, you are going to be alright.
Because amidst the chaos, you will find a beautiful and deserving love.
You will lose friends and gain new precious ones.
You will find perfection in your imperfections and make it work.
You will find peace within yourself
You will understand the meaning of being in the moment.
Mostly, you will be happy and find healing.
Just be patient
Because life can be beautiful when you alienate yourself from the norm and just be!

Remember to love yourself always!

Love,
your older self

At times  I find myself blocked.
Stopped, unable to move forward.
Standing still, as the days pass me by.

Lost dreams, lost hopes.
Lost loves, lost friends,
Lost parents, siblings and children.
Lost heart, Lost soul.

Enter, exit, enter again and turn left
Or was it right?
May I go forward? Stop and  await.
Do this! Don't do that!
They are wrong. We are right!
Over manipulated. Over controlled.
Enough!!!! No more!!!

Watching loved ones leave
Never to return again.
Broken hearted,
Longing throbbing pain.

So easily distracted by appetite
The smells and enticing words
"Massaman curry with rice with spring rolls
A slice of cheese, with date or olive
Lost in tasting, numb in feeling....
Eating myself into the land of oblivion
Drifting, floating, never to return.

It came quickly!
The rain fell hard in my summer!
Can you see us?
Everyone in their own storm.
Oh, please be still my restless soul.

Watching "them" drawing up schemes
Complaining maneuvers and attacks
Smiling smugly, together
under their "justified" umbrella.
I turned my energy away.

The wind continues to blow
And the rain continues to fall
Do I give into despair?
Or take courage to persevere?  
Courage my friend.  
A  glorious choice, courage!

Moving gracefully through the storm
Calm stillness begins
Facing the sun
The shadows fell behind me.
"What if I grab the silver lining?
Will my life be forever changed?"

I am not a lone "Black Sheep" in this rain.
Each of us in line, shedding our fleece.
Letting it go, as white feathers
Gracefully floating higher
Upon sunbeams Home.

The storm continued as I built my  new home.
Among the quiet of the fragrant cedars
Maples, birch and pine.

The fragrance of the wind
and the touch of the rain
Now fills  my senses!

Opening, freely.
Spirit Dancing in the Rain!
My senses love the spring,
Summer and the fall rains!!

It was in this moment the clouds parted.
Revealing a flowing rainbow
With  vibrational colors of resonance
A phi ratio within each color
Singing, songs, and connecting
Each strand of my human DNA.

A smile expressing itself
Thousands upon thousands of Colors!
An adventure within each
New sunny and rainy day!!
Oh, how I love, this sweetness in life!!!

Unsuspecting, we rode the oceans
Wildly mysterious, and beautifully free
Blinded as we were, we laughed
And smiled as we dared the breeze

We never saw the waves coming
Not till we drowned in their hold
Not till we fought and struggled
And grappled for air, all alone and cold

Slowly, we learned to breathe underwater
And breath by breath, we eased into this life
We swam and we frolicked, delighted by these wonders
And, we started enjoying this fleeting dive

Months have passed now, and we remain underwater
Each day passes, the 'now' ordinary
We have done what we never imagined
And at night, we lie content with the usual beauty

But deep in the hearts and minds as we lie,
Our thoughts wander off to the day we would surface then
Maybe tomorrow or maybe centuries it might be
Before we laugh and smile, as we ride the oceans again

I’ve had nothing, but I have it all
The best part about being down was nowhere else to fall

I’ve spent my life building a capacity for chaos
Rescuing, saving, surviving, but mostly minimizing loss

As I approach 40, my mid and half lives loom to turn the page
My confidence shrouded in self doubt is somehow still in a cage

I have more blessings than I can count yet sometimes still sad
Mostly with the undone or for the childhood I never had

The love of my life is true and all knowing
I feel warm and grateful yet baggage I’m still towing

As much as I have it together, there’s so much work to do
On the inside, the dark places starting with self-love
....a challenge anew

When I was down, You lifted me up.
When I errored , You forgave.
When I was sick, You received me in your arms.
When I was lonely, You reminded me, "I am always with you."
When my broken heart despaired, You healed me with your Love.
When I did all that I could and wanted to quit, You carried me.
Lifting me securely into your arms.
When I learned to see you
I found you in everyone's eyes.

Divine Love, I love you.
Within my heart of hearts,  
As one Love,  never ever will we part.
Oh my beautiful Divine Love
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.