I fell in love when the Christmas lights blurred around you
Creating this halo effect, and that's when, I knew, I found my angel
But my angel is not Biblical
He wears sweatshirts and the same old shoes
He talks during movies
He plays with my hair
And he's not perfect
He hurts
Hurts in ways that I wish I could heal
Hurts in ways that only real angels, watching from above, can understand
He hurts so much that he ignores the pain
Ignores all the pain
Ignores me too

I try to keep my heart afloat
But it's like the titanic,
No matter how hard I try
Which way I steer
It always crashes into an iceberg
It break in half
And slowly drowns the passengers in a froze ocean of depression
Where they scream and scream and scream
But all that can be heard, up above the surface, is silence

I'm hurting inside
And no one seems to notice
Maybe because I am so good at hiding it
Pretending it isn't there
Ignoring the pain just like everyone wants me to
Or maybe because no one seems to care
Care enough to look a little bit harder
To dig a little bit deeper
And find the teary eyed girl that hides behind her painted smile
Who's drowned all her passengers

I wish I had the wings of an angel
Not to fly away
But to fold around me
Like a cocoon of soft feathers and to have the
Silence
And I'll stay there, never emerge, never becoming this beautiful butterfly
Because butterflies are loved, cherished, appreciated
I am still this caterpillar trying to grow wings
Painting on this face
Sailing my boat
And idolizing the angel up above the surface

This black ocean
Filled with frozen hearts
Is made up of my tears i cry every night
The tears i weep in silence

Inside and out
Humans are magnificent
We each have a single butterfly in our head
The Sphenoid is what I'm talking about
There in the back of the skull,
Without it, our mind would
Truly wander in our skulls

I know
I fancy you
Because
I got a notification on my emails
Telling me that you messaged me
And I was surprised
That it gave me butterflies
But that message was from
Yesterday when we were
Both busy

I know
I fancy you
Because I’m nervous
About when we’re
Going to be alone
Together
Instead of
Always hanging out in a group
And
Wondering
If I’m leaving
or staying  

I would stay if
It was just me
And you  

I know
I fancy you
Because I know that
On the other side
Of the phone
You’re probably nervous too

my stomach kinda hurts
feels like a coffee can incapsulates it
i can shake it up, pour it out, drink it up
but then i crash and burn
this only really happens, when I think of your face.
listen to your voice
watch you smile.
stop making my stomach hurt.

Do you ever re –read your chats with someone just to try and re - live the joy that person brought to you ?


That feeling,
The wide smiles, the flow of waves from your spine to your belly, those  butterflies,
You bite your lips giggling
The blushes in between
Those sweet tear drops, the emotions flaring
How your heart races when you get to a particular word
Then you start stitching those words into thoughts and dwelling in
The sudden wish to be with him
The way he looks at you
The thought of his lips touching yours
How happy it made you feel
You shut your eyes engrossed in passion
There, Then, you realize
You feel it in your heart
He is the One….
You snap out, memories come flooding in
Flashes of moments spent together,
The good, the bad, the not so pleasant.
Your mind gets thrown into a disarray
Could this be mixed feelings or a mind trick,
probably silly battles between thoughts and emotions,
Or a quest to find your truth
You close out every other thing
You beam your focus on that lingering thought
He is the one, He is the one,
The one

Golden laurel wreaths and golden wings
Crows that pecked at his eyes and legs
He had stopped fighting them off long ago
They were as integral part of him as the the tattoos on his spine that often nipped at his vertebrae

Koi fish with constellations glowing on their backs and lotuses growing out of eyes
Burning feathers steaming as they hit the waves
He had often watched the angel's fall
Many drowned when they sunk into the sea Wings of precious metals dragging them down into its depths

Bushes made of butterflies and trees held in the palms of scarred hands
Glowing leaves the only source of light in the dark world
He craved the brilliance of the sun
It's mighty beauty as it scorched the earth and dried the sea
Purging it of its demons

Glasses filled with moonbeams and dresses crafted from stars
Diadems of melted bones and cremated hearts
He watched from above them all
Burning the wings of butterflies and smoking cigarettes made from their ashes
Sweet smelling smoke drifting high into the void

Sometimes, it’s very difficult to trust you.
The butterflies in my stomach are alive again
But not because of love
This time
It’s because of incertitude
You changed
The sparkle in your eyes is gone
Your smile is so fake
Your chest is so cold
So I know
It’s not my brain
It’s your attitude