I hate the word love.
Not just for fun,
But because the last time I heard it,
it was from the mouth of my last boyfriend,
as he spat it out with such hatred,
and took every breath
from my lungs,
until my faced turned blue.

I learned the hard way.
He never loved me.
Never.
All he wanted to do was own me.
Use me as a trophy.

I was only 13 when my innocence was stolen from me.
When I learned
I love you
meant
Please me
and
I care about you
meant
I'm going to permanently destroy you

It's not my fault I hate the word.
It was ruined for me.
Not only did the word itself ended up damaged,
but so did I

I don't want to be loved.
I don't deserve to be loved.
At least that's what was constantly pushed into my head,
day by day.
I have too many insecurities now,
that I push people away before it can happen to me,
out of the fear of getting hurt

But then I met you

You broke down the walls I spent months building,
and accepted my insecurities.
Although my past experiences constantly try to destroy my future relationships,
You accept me for who I am.

For once I learned
I care about you
actually means
I ******* care about you
and
I love you
actually means
I ******* love you

I don't hate the word love anymore,
in fact,
I want to be loved
Not just by any random person though,
But by
*You

The world is a massive and untouchable beast, its rolling hills and sharp jutting mountains expand ever tauntingly against the vision of our eyes. Knowing full well we cannot truly explore the vastness and strange diversity of this blue pearl. So when compared to the unfathomably Godlike terrain of the universe we all stare in awe wondering what beauty and destructive natures it holds. Comparable our own gem twinkles in the sky ever fleeting next to millions upon millions of dancing stones and raging suns, even our own Sol is dwarfed, even made insect like to that of greater gasses throwing tendrils of blood red flames in all directions. We are but a speck, a stranger curiosity to the universe than the universe is as strange a curiosity to us. And beyond all this, all these dancing stones and despite our size our pirouettes and twirling lines of silk send the vast nothingness into a daze. For the universe is great and unfathomable and impossible we too are impossible. For we carry…
Life.

And that in itself is special enough to warrant wonder and amazement, but just like the ever expanding size of the universe the earth digs even deeper to the unthinkable. Seven billion men and women walk on these paths of man made concrete and Earth’s dazzling dirt and harsh ruddy mud and sand, all spread across the four corners of our home. We have made beautiful concepts such as honour, curiosity, family and love, we have raised buildings and amazing structures to honour these concepts and their brilliance. We harnessed the beauty of earth and shaped it into something even the universe cannot hope to recreate without our help.

But…
I still can’t understand something. I can grasp what many cannot - which I should think of as a illuminative and enriching gift - but i still cannot understand one thing; a strange being born from the universe somehow more amazing and diverse than our mother Earth.

And that's you. You are something that I absolutely cannot grasp, you in my eyes overshadow the infinite universe, and I am mad because I cannot for the life of me figure it out. Maybe it's because of your personality; your swings from happy to sad and everything in between, not unlike the diversity of earth, your beauty mimicking the glistening diamond seas, meadow fields and sunlit jungles that blaze with heat. The way you speak is like chirping birds and the wind rolling against fluttering bronze whistles. When you walk into a room it seems in a couth way everything seems to revolve around you, as if - and pardon my pun you were the Sol of the room and only i could see it. Maybe it's because just like Earth you have the potential to carry life and create something that just like Earth can never be replicated, your individuality and that of your possible child sends me into a crazed wonder of whether that's even fair to other women. Maybe it's because despite all the dancers in the world when you dance to me you are the most elegant even if it's not objectively true. But maybe it’s because you just seem too impossible, too great to be true. The physical embodiment of all the qualities that make Earth - Earth.

But maybe it's not even that. I think after assessing it I may know why I can’t understand the most amazing thing that floats around you taunting my vision and heart.

It’s that in defiance of the fact that you are an ungraspable demigod I still managed to steal you from seven billion people. From the earth, even from the universe itself. Against the wishes of millions it is I - a lowly man - that claimed your heart. I think it dazzles me so that I could grasp you from when I thought of you as ungraspable, I think it dazzles me how a being as small as you can still stand fast against floating entities of amazement like the Earth. I think it dazzles me how you laugh and sing, how you’ve mastered your own voice and the four stringed instrument that in my opinion should be named string full sound pan, but instead is dubbed ukulele. I think it dazzles me anytime you say you love me and just accept that my manhood can sometimes be too fragile to say it back. I think it dazzles me how you laugh at all my jokes - even the ones that in all respect don't even deserve a reaction. I think it dazzles me how you always listen and always remember when compared to me i'm always distracted and have the memory of an elegant goldfish. I think it dazzles me that in this world that is so cold and so unforgiving in which I sometimes find hard to grasp and instead turn apathetic too you still manage to dazzle me.

You dazzle me and it's the most annoying and frustrating thing in the world. You confuse me and make me question absolutely everything, there is no peace when you're around. You always have me on my feet and you always challenge me with your love. So please…

Never stop dazzling me.

he really is mean, you know
really, truly mean
and i know
yes, i know
so why do you keep sleeping in his bed?
it makes no difference
and you, you know this
you are not a person
you are hardly a body
he is so mean
and you fall asleep crying
(you've been crying every day)
but i, i love him, you know
and yet tell me this -
is this love you harbor
worth all of this ache?
this ache you can't escape
you know how to though
but you wait
you wait and wait
purely in vain
but i love him
and he loves me
but he is so, so mean

Everybody tells me to leave
before it gets worse
'What would you do
if our rolls were reversed'

I'd tell you to get out
cause you deserve so much better
'So why do you keep going back
like one of those annoying chain letters'

Well, I'd rather get a little taste of passion
than no flavor at all
And if I want someone on top of me
I have no one else to call

And when I'm dealing with my selfhating mind
I need someone to silence it
I feel so desperately lonely without him
Even though he treats me like ****

Somehow I prefer getting hurt
over being my own best friend
I know I'm better off without him
Yet I'm terrified that it will end

king of the sea,
with a rigorous exoskeleton peeling away
moulting causes such distress,
exposed to the thrashing undertow of the sea
and enemies

who protects you?
a callow arthropod poised on fractured shells

it isn’t your father,
balancing a bottle of brandy between his lips
or your confidant,
skidding his tires across your mind

a starfish tried,
she threw her arms round your shell
as you added new muscles underneath
she stuck her tube feet in her claws
as you brittled her skin
she said I love you
and you retreated

when you are 70
and clamouring the floor
put your arms behind your back to beckon her to you
try –
she is the sea and no one owns her.

I have fallen into dark holes,
Sometimes about six feet underground,
But somehow you were close ..
I hear your whispers through every bottle my lips touched. Your words were engraved into my heart. A motivational promise , "move forward"I breathe and I climb up and break through.Just when I am about to heal ,I lose sight of you.
Time is not ticking..
I'm not ready...
Please tick soon...

Here I fall again into an ocean abyss
I float into a darkness where I dream.
Every single time I dreamt of what it felt like to kiss your lips again ,I can feel it in my veins.
Every single fiber of your touch.
It's my favorite remembrance circulating around my veins , injecting into my blood.
A motivational promise ,"  till next time we are both strong."I swim to shore ,
but time isn't ticking yet.
Please tick soon..

Here I go falling again into a buried casket.
Where I lay dead with a dormant heart and restless soul and heavy mind.
Maggots crawling around my body , frozen I laid.
My restless mind began to ponder on the fire you brought into my heart. Dozen of wildfires you caused , I have inhale smoke from you that slowly awoke me . I see dust in my eyes. I was impaired .. paralyzed .
Time isn't ticking yet again.

As the nights went , I was walking zombie waiting to be saved , in hands of everyone else but never you. I laid in this casket remembering tasting you at least once . It felt like a home I never had , a home I wished I had. A placement that my heart yearn. Your dark eyes and impeccable smile. My delicate heart full of maggots began to beat and shake . Thought of you makes me feel alive. I screamed every single moonlight hoping soon you will hear me..  Under a blue moon , my ***** eyes got blinded by a light. I heard the bells chime and the church clock tick.

"Tick tick tick tick"
My heart felt you closer,
"Tick tick tick tick"
No more falling or being buried,
"Tick tick tick tick"
My soul ignited , you were close to me,
"Tick tick tick tick"
I blindly looked at you and you looked at me.
I knew your promise was true with every impatient kisses  , you are here in the pouring rain where time ticks. Where the world spins.Hard to believe,
That you always were my muse.
My distance far lover
hidden in the cracks of my heart ,
rebuilding me.
"Tick tick tick tick "
And I love you....

She makes me feel like superman, so why should I fear.
I am on-duty to protect her, love her and care for her
My only kryptonite are her tears.
She says "you're silly", "overprotective" and "nhnhnhnhnh"

I treat her like my Cleopatra, what she says goes
Will I soon fade out like her past affairs.
She worries too much, she shouts at me, oh how she woes
What else to do but listen, I mean I do truly care.

She asks me; "Do I look fat", I didn't hesitate to give my honesty
You're beautiful everyday, I love everything about you.
She calls me a liar, she starves herself to satisfy others constantly
I say to her that I want to lay with you.

What am I. Your friend, your boyfriend  your fiancee or husband
You say I'm crazy and tell me you love me, but am I enough.
We visit twice a month, yet we are both in London.
Am I a person who you met just for a bluff

a couple months ago, i was okay
a couple months ago, i was poking a skateboard into my thigh
a couple months ago, i found myself in your arms, hoping you'd never let go
a couple months ago, you'd lie to your dad so you could spend the night
a couple months ago, we were in love

but now, i'm not okay
now, i'm leaving art class to cry in the bathroom
now, i'm chainsmoking marlboros, even though i know you hated when i smoked
now, i'm wandering downtown wishing i'd bump into you
now, i don't know if i can handle myself without you
now, it's not okay
but now, i'm still in love

and in that moment, i thought i was over you. that moment when i was kissing another guy, you weren't on my mind. but now, you never ******* leave. my eyes strain from staring at my phone, reading our old messages. i'm already sick, but the endless tears and migraines are making me sicker. i thought i could work without you by my side, just like i did before but this time it was different. i depended on you for months but you slowly crept out of my life. there are points when i think i'm over you but i see something and all of a sudden, you're right back in my mind again. it's been about a month since you broke up with me, but every single nights since then i've been getting ****** up so i'm able to forget i miss you. sometimes i wish i could die so i'd never see your stupid ******* face again but i know if i go through with it, i'm stuck with you forever.

and recently, i haven't been eating, drinking, sleeping because i know if i do, it'll remind me of you.